Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!

Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral investigator, discusses the importance of nonverbal cues in communication and how they significantly impact perceptions of warmth and competence. She explains that gestures often convey more than words, making them crucial in building authentic relationships and confidence. Vanessa shares insights from her research, emphasizing the role of cues in professional success and personal interactions. She highlights the importance of understanding one's own body language and vocal tones to improve communication skills. Vanessa also addresses the challenges of introversion, offering strategies to enhance charisma and likability without pretending to be extroverted, ultimately advocating for the power of intentional communication.

• Nonverbal cues, such as gestures and body language, strongly influence how messages are perceived, often more than words.
• Liars tend to use fewer gestures because it is challenging to lie convincingly with body language.
• Understanding and controlling nonverbal cues can significantly enhance personal and professional interactions.

"Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words."

• This quote emphasizes the power of nonverbal communication in conveying truth and authenticity, highlighting the importance of gestures in communication.

• Highly successful individuals use a "hidden language" of cues to communicate effectively.
• Mastering cues of warmth and competence can improve personal and professional relationships.
• A significant portion of first impressions is based on perceived warmth and competence.

"82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence."

• This statistic underscores the importance of managing warmth and competence cues to make a positive impression.

• Charisma is not genetic and can be learned through understanding and using social cues.
• Introverts and ambiverts can learn to communicate effectively without pretending to be extroverts.
• Identifying and optimizing environments and people that provide energy is crucial for social success.

"I used to believe that you were either born with Charisma or you weren't... Charisma can be learned."

• The quote highlights the transformative realization that charisma is a skill that can be developed, not an innate trait.

• Words significantly impact how interactions are perceived and can prime individuals for certain behaviors.
• The choice of words in communication, such as emails or meeting titles, can influence outcomes and cooperation.

"The words we're using in our emails, our subjects, our texts... are queuing people for how they should treat us."

• This stresses the importance of word choice in setting expectations and influencing behavior in communication.

• Success in life and business heavily relies on people skills, regardless of intellectual capability.
• Those lacking people skills may struggle with relationships and professional advancement.

"If you don't have people skills, you cannot succeed... you need people to have success."

• The quote emphasizes the critical role of interpersonal skills in achieving success across various life domains.

• Resting facial expressions can convey unintended emotions, affecting how others perceive us.
• Being aware of one's resting face and adjusting it consciously can improve social interactions.

"You need to look in the mirror and figure out what is the default of your face."

• This advice encourages self-awareness regarding facial expressions to ensure they align with desired social perceptions.

• Individuals have a self-narrative that shapes their outlook and interactions, categorized into hero, healer, and victim narratives.
• Understanding one's self-narrative can aid in personal development and improving relationships.

"Do you feel lucky?... People who have a resounding yes to I feel lucky are more likely heroes or healers."

• This question helps identify one's self-narrative, influencing how they perceive and react to life's challenges.

• Emotions and performance levels are contagious, impacting those around us.
• Proximity to high or low performers can respectively enhance or diminish one's performance.

"If you sit within 25 ft of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%."

• This finding highlights the influence of surrounding individuals on personal performance and the importance of choosing one's environment wisely.

• Negative and positive cues create cycles that influence interactions and perceptions.
• Recognizing and labeling cues can help break negative cycles and foster positive interactions.

"If you send me a negative cue, I internalize it, and that changes the cues I'm sending back to you."

• Understanding this cycle allows for intentional intervention to maintain positive communication dynamics.

• The concept of "name it to tame it" is introduced as a method to gain control over fear responses by labeling negative cues.
• Recognizing and naming micro-expressions can prevent the amygdala from activating fear responses, thus empowering individuals to remain calm and confident.

"If you know how to read the 97 cues and you see contempt or social rejection or a mouth shrug or a lip purse...you can in your head say lip purse I'm good or clocked noted...that Intel is actually empowering."

• Recognizing and naming negative cues allows individuals to control their emotional responses, reducing fear and increasing confidence.

• Hand gestures are crucial for effective communication, as they help convey intentions and reinforce verbal messages.
• Gestures can enhance listener engagement and retention, making speakers more charismatic and their messages more memorable.

"The most viral Ted speakers used an average of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes whereas the least popular Ted talkers use an average of 271 gestures."

• The frequency of hand gestures correlates with the popularity and effectiveness of public speaking, indicating their importance in communication.

• The physical setup, including seating arrangements and proximity, can significantly influence communication dynamics and expressiveness.
• Chairs without arms encourage more expressive gestures, while proximity affects the level of intimacy in conversations.

"I actually do recommend chairs with arms not in this setup because look at the difference...it makes it so that I want to put my hands up."

• The choice of seating and proximity can either enhance or restrict expressiveness and engagement in communication.

• Proxemics, the study of personal space, defines four zones: public, social, personal, and intimate, each affecting the nature of interactions.
• Understanding these zones can help set up conversations for success, ensuring appropriate levels of intimacy and engagement.

"The perfect distance between two people having a good conversation is that we could shake hands if we wanted to."

• Maintaining the appropriate distance can facilitate better communication and comfort in social interactions.

• Charisma is a balance of warmth and competence, influencing how people perceive and interact with an individual.
• Five science-based habits can enhance charisma by signaling warmth and competence, affecting impressions and interactions.

"To be charismatic, you have to be both highly warm and highly competent or more importantly...Signal High warmth and high competence."

• Charisma involves projecting both warmth and competence, which are critical for positive impressions and effective communication.

• Power cues, such as the steeple gesture and lower lid flex, convey competence and confidence.
• Warmth cues, including the triple nod and head tilt, enhance likability and approachability, fostering better connections.

"If we do a slow triple nod the other person speaks 67% longer...It's like a non-verbal dot dot dot."

• Employing specific non-verbal cues can significantly influence perceptions of competence and warmth, impacting interpersonal interactions.

• Vocal inflections, such as the downward inflection, enhance perceptions of confidence and authority.
• Avoiding the question inflection in statements prevents perceptions of uncertainty and reinforces credibility.

"The problem in this country is that we don't take seriously enough the issues of our people...we will be in grave trouble."

• Using downward inflection in speech conveys conviction and authority, crucial for effective communication and leadership.

• People often overestimate how well their emotions and intentions are perceived by others, leading to communication gaps.
• Explicitly expressing positive thoughts and feedback can bridge this gap, fostering better understanding and relationships.

"We think our signals are obvious that if we like someone or if we're having a good time we think oh they for sure know it they don't."

• Actively communicating positive sentiments can counteract assumptions and enhance interpersonal relationships.

• The discussion highlights the importance of paying attention to gut feelings and body language when interacting with others.
• Gut feelings can be an indication that something is off in a relationship, potentially due to unspoken issues or subconscious cues.
• It's essential to research and understand these feelings rather than making immediate decisions like cutting someone out of your life.

"Gut feelings are incredibly important because the best queue reading machine we have is our subconscious."

• Explanation: The subconscious picks up on cues that we may not consciously recognize, signifying the importance of trusting gut feelings.

• To improve relationships where discomfort is present, it's recommended to ask questions that deepen understanding and connection.
• Leveling up a relationship involves moving beyond superficial questions to find commonalities and shared goals.

"Research shows that the more commonalities we have with someone, the more that we understand them, the more compassion we have with them, the more that we like someone."

• Explanation: Finding common ground can increase empathy and liking, potentially breaking negative cycles in relationships.

• Replace mundane questions like "What do you do?" with more engaging ones to foster deeper connections.
• Questions such as "Are you working on anything exciting recently?" or "What's your biggest goal right now?" invite more meaningful dialogue.

"Stop asking what do you do for 30 days. I want you to go on a what do you do diet."

• Explanation: Avoiding routine questions encourages more authentic and engaging conversations.

• Asking about self-narrative through questions like "What book, movie, or TV character is most like you and why?" can reveal deeper insights into how individuals view themselves.
• Understanding self-narrative can strengthen connections and provide new perspectives on relationships.

"The answer to this question is so incredibly important. It reveals how someone relates to characters, their values, or personality, and how they see themselves."

• Explanation: This question can uncover surprising aspects of a person's self-perception, deepening understanding.

• The discussion explores the idea of whether one can truly find happiness or if life is an ongoing pursuit of goals and fulfillment.
• It emphasizes the importance of recognizing achievements while continuing to strive for future goals.

"If you feel that you've made it, it means you have freedom to pursue things and do work for meaning as opposed to hitting it."

• Explanation: Achieving goals provides a foundation for pursuing meaningful work and personal fulfillment.

• Non-verbal cues, such as leaning or maintaining distance, can significantly impact social interactions and perceptions.
• Understanding and using these cues effectively can enhance communication and connection.

"Too much of a lean is literally I am subservient to you, and that makes someone feel very uneasy."

• Explanation: Excessive leaning can signal submission, which may be perceived negatively in social interactions.

• Non-verbal bridges, such as light touches or gestures, help to bridge the distance between individuals and foster warmth in interactions.
• These cues can enhance the quality of conversations and relationships.

"Non-verbal bridges are when someone is trying to bridge the distance between you."

• Explanation: Using non-verbal cues to close physical or emotional distance can improve the quality of interactions.

• Proper greeting techniques, including signaling desired greetings from a distance, can prevent awkward encounters.
• Understanding the nuances of hugging and handshakes can enhance social interactions.

"You need to signal what kind of greeting you want from the moment someone first sees you."

• Explanation: Clear non-verbal cues can prevent awkward greetings and establish the desired level of interaction.

• Personal branding involves balancing the presentation of one's strengths and vulnerabilities.
• Showing imperfections authentically can enhance relatability and trustworthiness.

"Stop trying to be perfect. Own your authentic vulnerabilities."

• Explanation: Embracing imperfections can make individuals more relatable and trustworthy in personal branding.

• Personal branding should consider the neural networks activated by visual cues, such as images or colors.
• These cues can attract or repel potential partners or audiences based on shared values and interests.

"Every picture on your profile should be creating allergies and attractors, should be activating neural networks for your person."

• Explanation: Visual cues in personal branding should align with desired perceptions and attract the right audience.

• Effective communication requires purposeful movement and structuring of content to guide audience engagement.
• Understanding the emotional impact of communication can enhance its effectiveness across different mediums.

"What emotion do you want your person to feel when they see your name in their inbox?"

• Explanation: Tailoring communication to evoke specific emotions can enhance engagement and effectiveness.

• Profile pictures should convey warmth and competence through body language.
• Authentic smiles, head tilts, and open gestures enhance attractiveness.
• Avoid negative expressions like contempt or fear in profile pictures.

"Her main profile pictures should be showing warm and competent body language... make sure it's a symmetrical smile."

• Emphasizes the importance of non-verbal cues in creating a positive first impression.

• Vocal fry can be a sign of low confidence and is often unintentional.
• Speaking louder can help eliminate vocal fry by increasing breath support.
• Confidence can be communicated through voice and posture adjustments.

"Vocal fry happens from a lack of breath... the moment that I speak louder it goes away."

• Highlights the connection between vocal power and confidence.

• Activity dates encourage open body language and can break old patterns.
• Physical activities make it easier to display confident body language.
• Contextual familiarity can trigger old, less confident patterns.

"Go on hikes, go play pickleball... it's much easier to be broad."

• Suggests using activity dates to naturally encourage more open and confident body language.

• Women activate more brain areas than men when interpreting body language.
• Women tend to create narratives, while men focus on specific cues.
• Both approaches have their advantages in understanding body language.

"Women activated 14 to 16 areas of their brain... Men, I believe it was half of that."

• Explains the neurological differences in how men and women perceive body language.

• Social skills can be learned, and small changes can lead to big transformations.
• Confidence can be built through the application of social tactics and tools.
• Everyone is teachable and can improve their social interactions.

"I think anyone can learn it... everyone can make small or big changes."

• Encourages belief in the ability to learn and improve social skills.

• Open body language and signals of availability increase approachability.
• Small gestures and glances can communicate openness and interest.
• Both men and women respond to signals of availability in social settings.

"The people who got approached the most... were just had the biggest signal of availability."

• Emphasizes the role of body language in signaling availability and attracting attention.

• Finding friends is akin to dating; look for shared values and interests.
• Friendship dates can help test compatibility and build deeper connections.
• Vulnerability and openness are key to forming meaningful friendships.

"You should change your mindset finding friends is like dating... you are looking for your friend soulmate."

• Suggests approaching friendships with the same intentionality as romantic relationships.

• AirPods and technology reduce opportunities for micro-connections.
• Micro-moments are crucial for building friendships and weak ties.
• Hybrid work limits in-person interactions, impacting career success.

"AirPods are killing friendship... they destroy those tiny micro moments of connection."

• Discusses how modern technology affects interpersonal relationships and opportunities for connection.

• Most people are not good at detecting lies; accuracy is only slightly better than chance.
• Certain cues, like question inflection and volume drops, can indicate deception.
• Non-verbal incongruences, such as mismatched nods, can reveal lies.

"Most people can only spot a lie with 54% accuracy... we are usually not good at it."

• Highlights the challenges of accurately identifying deception and the importance of being cautious.

• Ambivalent relationships are more draining than toxic ones.
• Uncertainty in relationships can lead to stress and dissatisfaction.
• It's important to clarify and either strengthen or move on from ambivalent ties.

"Ambivalent relationships are the relationships in your life that are the most damaging... they are so energetically draining."

• Explains the negative impact of uncertain relationships on well-being.

• Simple conversation starters can break the ice and lead to deeper connections.
• Avoiding autopilot questions can foster more engaging interactions.
• Understanding personal social strengths can guide more effective communication.

"Starting a conversation is like hey I'm Vanessa... don't overthink your opener."

• Encourages using straightforward approaches to initiate conversations and build rapport.