The Speaking Coach: The One Word All Liars Use! Stop Saying This Word, It's Making You Sound Weak!

Jefferson Fisher, a board-certified trial attorney, shares insights on effective communication and conflict resolution. He emphasizes the power of words and how controlling one's breath and responses can de-escalate tense situations. Fisher suggests viewing arguments as opportunities to unravel rather than win, advocating for assertive communication that respects both parties. He highlights the importance of setting conversational goals and maintaining boundaries, particularly when dealing with difficult people. Fisher also discusses the impact of verbal fillers and the significance of vulnerability in persuasion, underscoring that effective communication can transform personal and professional relationships.

• Effective conflict resolution involves a strategic approach rather than a combative one.
• Silence, repetition, and acknowledgment of power can be key tools in managing disrespect or belittling behavior.
• Winning an argument might result in losing the relationship, highlighting the importance of understanding over victory.

"When somebody is belittling you or being rude or being disrespectful, what we typically want to do is throw it right back... Instead of that, here's what I would want you to do: one, you're going to have 5 to 7 seconds of silence; two, you're going to ask them to say it again because a lot of time in arguments people take it back; and three, this is where it gets fun, I want you to say, 'That's where your real power is.'"

• Silence and repetition can disarm a disrespectful interlocutor, shifting the power dynamic in your favor.

• Communication is pivotal in all aspects of life, influencing relationships, career prospects, and personal satisfaction.
• Being a skilled communicator can provide an unfair advantage in life, as it amplifies one's ability to convey ideas effectively.

"I teach that you never want to win an argument. When you look to win an argument, you will often lose the relationship."

• Prioritizing understanding over victory in communication can preserve and strengthen relationships.

• Trial attorneys resolve conflicts through advocacy and persuasion in legal settings.
• The ability to articulate and persuade is crucial in litigation, influencing case outcomes.

"I help people resolve conflict, resolve problems... The words that I give mean the difference between somebody getting their peace of mind back or losing everything."

• Effective communication can significantly impact legal outcomes and personal peace of mind.

• Communication skills directly influence career opportunities and personal relationships.
• Being an effective communicator can lead to success in various areas of life, from job interviews to maintaining healthy relationships.

"If you were a 10 out of 10 communicator, you could almost get to wherever you wanted to go... It comes down almost exclusively to how you communicated right there in that interview."

• Mastering communication can open doors to numerous opportunities and facilitate personal growth.

• In today's media-driven world, effective communication provides a significant edge.
• The ability to convey ideas clearly can overshadow technical skills or expertise in many fields.

"It's such an unfair advantage. If you can communicate, you can be 50% as good in terms of skills or experience, but if you can communicate effectively, the unfair advantage you will have in your life is just completely disproportionate."

• Communication skills can amplify one's presence and influence beyond their technical abilities.

• Poor communication can lead to negative self-talk, recurring relationship issues, and dissatisfaction in various life areas.
• Developing communication skills can alleviate these issues and enhance personal well-being.

"The outcomes are you're going to start to be negative on yourself... You're going to run into relationships where you're running into the same problem."

• Improving communication skills can break negative cycles and improve overall life satisfaction.

• Effective communication can attract a large audience online, as seen with Jefferson Fisher's following.
• Providing concise, actionable advice can resonate with a broad audience and establish authority in a field.

"They come to me because they want to know how to handle the next conversation... I give them the sense of, 'Hey, I can do that.'"

• Offering practical communication strategies can build a substantial online following and influence.

• Focusing on the next conversation rather than dwelling on past interactions can improve communication outcomes.
• The next conversation often reveals true intentions and can be more constructive.

"The key is how do you take that next conversation and get it there to be the first one."

• Preparing for future interactions can lead to more meaningful and effective communication.

• Control and confidence are essential components of effective communication.
• Techniques such as controlled breathing and slowing down speech can enhance clarity and authority in communication.

"Let your breath be the first word that you say... It keeps that analytical side, that logical side in it the whole time."

• Controlled breathing can prevent fight-or-flight responses and maintain composure during conversations.

• Assertiveness involves a balance between passivity and aggression, allowing for direct and respectful communication.
• Using assertive language can convey confidence and clarity without being disrespectful.

"Confidence is as assertive does... When you learn how to use your assertive voice, the result is feeling confident."

• Assertiveness enables clear communication of needs and boundaries, fostering respect and understanding.

• The choice of words and the amount spoken can significantly influence the perception of truth and authority.
• Brevity and precision in language can enhance credibility and effectiveness in communication.

"The more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie."

• Concise communication can prevent misunderstandings and establish authority and credibility.

• Over-apologizing for minor issues can erode self-esteem and self-worth over time.
• Apologizing excessively can make one feel like their value is tied to being less of an inconvenience to others.
• Instead of apologizing, using words of gratitude can be more effective and positive.

"They start to apologize for things that are not a mistake... it's slowly drip by drip corroding your sense of self-esteem, your sense of self-worth."

• Apologizing unnecessarily can negatively impact one’s self-esteem.

"Instead of the over-apologies, what I teach is use words of gratitude."

• Replacing apologies with gratitude can enhance communication and self-perception.

• Effective leaders communicate concisely and directly without unnecessary pleasantries.
• They focus on being direct and to the point in their communications, often using brief emails or messages.

"Your most effective leaders find ways of taking a lot of ideas and words and saying them very concisely."

• Successful leaders value concise communication.

"The richer somebody is, they could care less about an email signature."

• Wealthy individuals often prioritize brevity and directness in communication.

• Establish a conversational framework by stating the topic, desired outcome, and seeking agreement.
• Being clear about the conversation's goal can prevent misunderstandings and foster cooperation.

"Begin with telling them what you want to talk about... how you want to end the conversation... get their buy-in."

• A structured approach to conversations can lead to more productive outcomes.

"When you look to win an argument, you will often lose the relationship."

• Prioritizing resolution over winning is crucial in maintaining relationships.

• Recognizing personal triggers can help manage emotional responses during conversations.
• Understanding the historical context of someone's beliefs can improve communication and empathy.

"The person you see isn't the person you're talking to."

• People’s reactions are often influenced by past experiences and beliefs.

"Knowing your trigger is one of the biggest ways to defend against that."

• Awareness of personal triggers is essential for emotional regulation.

• Responding to insults with silence and questions can diffuse tension and avoid escalation.
• Asking questions about intent can force the other person to reconsider their words.

"Add silence, five to seven seconds of nothing. Ask them to say it again."

• Silence and questioning can be powerful tools in handling disrespect.

"When you hear someone say something rude or insulting, understand that they're wanting something from you."

• Recognizing that insults are often a bid for attention or control can help in managing reactions.

• Approaching conversations with curiosity can open pathways for understanding and connection.
• Asking questions about someone’s beliefs or experiences can create space for mutual understanding.

"You have to find ways to get really curious about who's the person behind the words."

• Curiosity can lead to deeper connections and better communication.

"Minds don't get changed in one conversation; they happen over a year of a hundred conversations."

• Change is gradual and requires sustained effort and understanding.

• Strategies for dealing with difficult people include delaying responses and framing follow-up conversations.
• Effective communication involves understanding the underlying issues rather than reacting to surface behaviors.

"Problems happen when you try and push people into having conversations on your timeline."

• Timing and patience are crucial in managing difficult interactions.

"Everybody has a struggle that you can't see; they're having a conversation in their head that you were not invited to."

• Empathy and patience can improve interactions with difficult individuals.

• Context plays a significant role in determining the appropriateness of responses, especially in hierarchical relationships.
• Power dynamics can influence how one chooses to respond to perceived rudeness or criticism.
• Strategies exist to manage and diffuse tense situations, such as asking someone to repeat a rude comment.

"I think if there's such a huge power dynamic, something like that, if you're an intern and you're like, look, this guy's just having a bad day, I don't think I need this is not the time for me to choose to try and have a way of making him feel bad."

• Recognizes the importance of context and power dynamics in deciding whether to confront rudeness.

"Another that I really like to use this would not be in that context, but that's below my standard for response."

• Suggests using set phrases to establish conversational boundaries and signal that certain behavior is unacceptable.

• Asking someone to repeat a rude or hurtful comment can diminish its impact by forcing them to reconsider their words.
• This technique can be useful in both personal and professional conflicts.
• It highlights the importance of boundaries and self-control in communication.

"When somebody gives you an insult and you say, you know, I didn't catch all that. I need you to say that again for me. Can you repeat that? Most of the time they won't because they know at now I look bad."

• Emphasizes the effectiveness of asking for repetition to make the other person reconsider their words.

"It's interesting because some of the things you as you were talking I was thinking is this like advice for dealing with really toxic people or is this also advice just for dealing with like couples arguing."

• Explores the application of these techniques in various relationship dynamics, including romantic and professional.

• Preparing oneself mentally and emotionally for challenging conversations is crucial.
• Timing and emotional readiness are key to effective communication.
• Being self-aware of one's emotional state can prevent escalation and misunderstandings.

"Never allow myself to be put in a conversation when I'm not ready, especially important conversations."

• Stresses the importance of being mentally prepared before engaging in significant discussions.

"Part of that self-awareness is saying that out loud, meaning I'm going to begin my sentence with I can tell I'm not ready for this conversation."

• Highlights the value of verbalizing one's emotional state to gain control over it.

• Silence can be a powerful tool in communication, especially when dealing with liars or in high-stakes situations.
• Pauses create space for reflection and can prompt the other person to reveal more information.
• Silence can also help maintain emotional control and prevent reactive responses.

"Pauses, though they are the absence of words, they're not the absence of communication."

• Explains how pauses can convey meaning and influence the dynamics of a conversation.

"Silence is the number one killer of liars because they have conversations in their head for you."

• Discusses how silence can disrupt a liar's narrative and force them to reconsider their story.

• Body language and emotional control are crucial in legal settings, as they influence perceptions of credibility.
• Good attorneys maintain composure and avoid overreacting to unfavorable information.
• Jurors and observers are highly attuned to non-verbal cues and inconsistencies.

"The good attorneys are pretty emotionless when they hear bad information, bad information being information that goes against your case."

• Highlights the importance of maintaining composure to avoid signaling weakness or uncertainty.

"Jurors are, I mean, they're just people, but we have a sixth sense about us that we can sense things about if someone is telling the truth or not."

• Emphasizes the role of intuition and perception in assessing truthfulness and credibility.

• Expressing vulnerability and acknowledging imperfections can enhance credibility and trust.
• Truthful communication, even when admitting faults, fosters long-term trust and respect.
• Establishing oneself as a truth-teller is a powerful position in any negotiation or argument.

"It's always better if I said now I believe after hearing the evidence you should give their client this, I agree with that, they deserve this, but it shouldn't be this number."

• Illustrates how admitting some faults can make one's argument more persuasive and reasonable.

"The people who don't tell the truth, oh, I mean, I can if I had a dollar for every time I've seen it where I've asked somebody the question back."

• Highlights the contrast between truthful and deceptive communication, emphasizing the confidence that comes with honesty.

• Treating people you dislike with respect can prevent unnecessary conflict and preserve one's integrity.
• Limiting contact and maintaining neutrality can help manage difficult relationships.
• Avoiding reactive behavior and maintaining professionalism are key strategies.

"The secret to dealing with someone you don't like, you treat them like they do, you treat them like they do like you and that you do like them."

• Suggests maintaining a facade of friendliness to avoid escalating tensions.

"But when you don't give them an enemy, there's nothing they can do."

• Emphasizes the advantage of not providing adversaries with ammunition to justify their behavior.

• Effective small talk involves asking open-ended questions to encourage deeper conversation.
• Having a conversational goal can guide interactions and reduce anxiety.
• Small talk can be an opportunity to build rapport and gather information.

"Don't ask questions that elicit a one-word response. These are what they call closed-ended questions."

• Advises against limiting responses to yes or no, promoting more engaging dialogue.

"You want to have a conversational goal really for any conversation that you're going to have."

• Encourages entering conversations with a clear objective to enhance communication effectiveness.

• Establishing a conversational goal can reduce anxiety and make interactions more meaningful.
• A simple goal, such as asking three questions, can lead to a deeper understanding of the other person.
• Focusing on how someone arrived at their present moment can elicit storytelling and engagement.

"Instead of saying I want them to be so impressed with me, what's more impressive is when you're curious about the other person."

• Being genuinely curious about others can leave a more lasting impression than seeking to impress.

• People enjoy sharing their journey and how they reached their current position.
• Asking about future plans rather than past activities can lead to more engaging conversations.

"If you get them to talk about a story of what led them to their present moment, much better."

• Encouraging storytelling can transform small talk into meaningful dialogue.

• Abraham Lincoln is admired for his ability to unify and lead through emotional intelligence.
• Lincoln's strategy of including rivals in his cabinet is highlighted as a model of leadership.

"He turned around and invited those men into his cabinet... and it went from them hating him to sobbing at his funeral."

• Lincoln's approach exemplifies the power of inclusion and understanding in leadership.

• Spiritual and religious philosophies often emphasize forgiveness and thoughtful communication.
• The power of words is significant in shaping perceptions and relationships.

"What you say is who you are... it's simply what you say next."

• Words have the power to influence one's reputation and life trajectory.

• Improvement in communication is not linear; focus on one aspect at a time.
• Eliminating verbal fillers and unnecessary words can enhance clarity.

"Just try and prove one thing... even the next sentence that they choose will be better."

• Incremental changes in communication habits can lead to significant improvements.

• Setting boundaries by saying no can prevent unnecessary stress and emotional energy waste.
• Being honest and direct with gratitude can maintain relationships without overcommitting.

"I can't make it work. Thank you so much for inviting me."

• Clear communication of boundaries can preserve energy and relationships.

• Verbal fillers can clutter communication and distract from the message.
• Awareness and reduction of fillers can improve public speaking and presentations.

"If you want to be an impactful speaker... don't use them."

• Reducing verbal fillers can enhance the effectiveness and professionalism of communication.

• Words have a lasting impact, influencing perceptions and future interactions.
• Positive communication can create a ripple effect, improving the atmosphere for others.

"What you say today affects how people think of you... it affects how your children will talk to their children."

• Thoughtful communication can have long-term positive effects on personal and professional relationships.

• Being a safe space for children encourages open communication and trust.
• The way parents communicate sets a precedent for how children will interact with others.

"Thank you for coming to me with this... I'm glad you talked to me."

• Encouraging open dialogue with children fosters trust and emotional security.

• The book aims to empower readers to harness the power of words for better conversations.
• The author reflects on personal growth and the importance of being present.

"I hope people will find that their words truly have power... one better conversation at a time."

• The book encourages readers to recognize the transformative power of words in everyday interactions.

• The podcast emphasizes the importance of effective communication in personal and professional life.
• Listeners are encouraged to explore the author's work for further insights into mastering communication.

"It's such an unfair competitive disadvantage... to be trapped behind an untrained tongue."

• Developing communication skills is crucial for unlocking potential and achieving success.