13 Semi-Controversial Truths About Masculinity - Adam Lane Smith

In this episode, the conversation centers on relationships, focusing on the dynamics of choosing the right partner and the roles within a partnership. The discussion highlights the importance of men finding a partner who complements their goals, likening the ideal relationship to a CEO-COO dynamic. The guests, including Adam Lane Smith, explore the concept of attachment styles, emphasizing the need for secure attachments to foster successful relationships. They also touch on societal issues, such as the impact of modern dating trends and the challenges men face in finding purpose and connection in a rapidly changing world.

• Choosing the right partner is crucial for achieving personal and professional goals. The wrong partner can lead to a life spent managing their problems, while the right one can propel you forward.
• A relationship should function like a business, with the man as the CEO and the woman as the COO. Both should work as co-executives towards common goals.
• The right partner should be securely attached, focusing on long-term goals rather than short-term emotional states.

"If you choose the wrong woman, you are sacrificing your goals for a life spent managing her problems that she refuses to fix. The right woman will augment your life goals."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of selecting a partner who complements and enhances your life goals rather than detracting from them.

"You need to pick a woman who's an appropriate COO, operations officer who's going to work with you, a co-executive."

• Highlights the need for a balanced partnership where both parties contribute to mutual success.

• Secure attachment in women leads to focus on long-term goals and ethical principles. Insecure attachment results in short-term survival focus.
• Men have a responsibility to provide four levels of safety: physical, resource, emotional, and bonding.
• Many women today are not trained to receive safety, leading to a cycle of insecurity.

"A man provides safety in four degrees. One is physical safety... Two is resource safety... Three is emotional safety... And the fourth is bonding safety."

• Outlines the different types of safety a man should provide to foster a secure relationship.

"A lot of women can't trust any of those four levels of safety because we got four generations of women now taught, don't trust men."

• Explains the generational mistrust that affects women's ability to feel secure in relationships.

• Modern dating is plagued by insecure attachment, with 65% of Gen Z being insecurely attached.
• Securely attached individuals tend to marry young, leaving a pool of insecurely attached people in the dating scene.
• The focus on short-term emotional states rather than long-term goals is detrimental to forming lasting relationships.

"Modern dating is what happens when the estimated 35% of securely attached people get married young and leave the pool and the other 65% of insecurely attached people try to figure out how to manipulate each other into shed stimulation."

• Describes the current state of modern dating and the challenges faced by insecurely attached individuals.

"Men and women are not connecting because they can't form a human bond to each other. Instead, they're forming an emotion-focused bond of how do I feel?"

• Highlights the shift from goal-oriented relationships to those based on fleeting emotional states.

• Avoidantly attached men often lack oxytocin, affecting their ability to form intimate connections and leading to various health issues.
• Oxytocin is crucial for synthesizing GABA, which suppresses cortisol and aids in stress management.
• High-performing men often suffer from blocked oxytocin receptors, leading to a cycle of stress and health decline.

"Most modern men don't get physical contact after the age of 12, if they even get it up to the age of 12."

• Points out the lack of physical affection in men's lives, contributing to oxytocin deficiency.

"Their oxytocin receptors block... they cannot form sentimental, warm, affectionate bonds with people."

• Explains how blocked oxytocin receptors prevent men from forming meaningful connections, impacting their overall well-being.

• A successful relationship involves a symbiotic integration of male and female nervous systems, benefiting both partners.
• The female system requires safety to thrive, while the male system benefits from the calming influence of a secure partner.
• This integration leads to biochemical improvements, enhancing both partners' quality of life.

"The female nervous system needs safety to maintain high levels of fertility, bonding, peace... as she receives oxytocin, it becomes contagious."

• Describes the mutual benefits of a symbiotic relationship where both partners provide and receive necessary emotional nutrients.

"Oxytocin goes up, GABA goes up, serotonin goes up, testosterone goes up, human growth hormone goes up."

• Lists the biochemical benefits of a successful partnership, emphasizing the healing power of a secure relationship.

• Many dating advice platforms encourage anxiously attached men to adopt avoidant behaviors, leading to manipulative relationships.
• This approach often stems from unresolved childhood issues, particularly with personality-disordered parents.
• True connection requires emotional regulation and secure attachment, not manipulation.

"Most dating advice you find on the internet encourages anxiously attached men to act avoidantly attached instead so they can prey upon anxiously attached women."

• Criticizes the prevalent dating advice that promotes manipulative tactics rather than genuine connection.

"They go out and they teach guys who are anxiously attached and nervous and terrified how to pretend to be more in control."

• Highlights the cycle of manipulation perpetuated by those with unresolved attachment issues, leading to unhealthy relationships.

• Red Pill ideology often involves controlling and manipulative behaviors towards women, stemming from personal insecurities and unhealthy relationship patterns.
• Many men find themselves regretting their adherence to Red Pill teachings and seek healthier relationship dynamics.
• The ideology contributes to pain and suffering for both men and women, creating a cycle of mistrust and emotional damage.

"Most of my clients come in and say, 'Adam, I was red pill for a while.' All right, let's untrain you from that."

• Many individuals regret following Red Pill ideologies and seek to unlearn these behaviors for healthier relationships.

"It's not just women that are suffering. It's men and women."

• The Red Pill ideology creates suffering for both genders, emphasizing the harmful impact on relationships.

• Emotional openness is crucial in relationships, but fear of vulnerability can prevent individuals from forming deep connections.
• Both men and women may retreat from emotional openness due to past emotional damage or fear of being hurt again.
• Some online advice discourages emotional openness, which can perpetuate unhealthy relationship patterns.

"There is a moment in everyone's relationship where you need to kind of make the decision, okay, am I actually going to open my heart to this person?"

• Emotional openness is a critical decision point in relationships, essential for forming genuine connections.

"I really hope that those people can kind of be fixed or saved in some way because it would make life a lot easier."

• The speaker expresses hope for a shift towards healthier advice and emotional openness for better relationship outcomes.

• The concept of masculinity has evolved, especially post-World Wars, with many men checking out due to overwhelming societal pressures.
• Masculinity is experiencing a rebirth, moving from juvenile expressions to a more mature understanding.
• The current phase of masculinity involves reclaiming personal sovereignty and embracing responsibility.

"I think that masculinity actually died in the West, America, Western Europe. I think it died."

• Historical events have significantly impacted the traditional concept of masculinity, leading to its decline and transformation.

"I think we're emerging into a mature masculine."

• There is a perceived shift towards a more mature and responsible form of masculinity in modern society.

• Certain male behaviors, such as aggression and dominance, can be perceived as threatening, leading to societal pressure to conform to less traditionally masculine traits.
• The narrative that men should act less masculine to solve their problems is prevalent but controversial.
• The success of women in various socio-economic metrics has led to calls for men to emulate these traits, though this approach may not address underlying issues.

"If only you acted less like a man and acted more like a woman, all of your problems would be fixed."

• There is societal pressure for men to conform to less traditionally masculine traits, which is seen as a solution to personal issues.

"The same thing hadn't happened for guys."

• Men have not experienced the same socio-economic success as women, leading to different societal expectations and pressures.

• Despite socio-economic achievements, many women report high levels of anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
• There is a growing movement among women to embrace femininity and call for a resurgence of masculinity.
• The societal bubble that makes the world artificially safe for women is beginning to erode, leading to a need for a balanced masculine presence.

"One quarter of American women is now on some sort of psychmed."

• Despite achievements, many women face significant mental health challenges, indicating underlying societal issues.

"We're seeing a lot of women trying to be feminine and call men to be more masculine."

• There is a movement among women to embrace femininity and encourage a resurgence of balanced masculinity.

• Men crave validation through accomplishments, and empty validation without achievement leads to feelings of inadequacy and shame.
• The lack of genuine accomplishment can lead to a cycle of depression and a sense of being a burden.
• Proper validation involves recognizing genuine achievements and encouraging growth and problem-solving.

"Validation is meaningless to men without accomplishment."

• Men derive self-worth from accomplishments, and validation without achievement feels hollow and inadequate.

"The empty validation with no accomplishments is one of the worst things for us on the planet."

• Validation without genuine achievement can lead to feelings of being a burden and contribute to mental health struggles.

• Men are not meant to operate solo; they thrive in networks where they can share solutions and support each other.
• The disconnection from male networks contributes to loneliness and depression among men.
• Reintegrating male networks can provide the necessary support and mentorship to overcome challenges and achieve personal growth.

"No man is meant to operate solo. Men are not meant to operate that. We're meant to operate in clusters of men working together in a tribe."

• Men thrive in supportive networks, and operating solo leads to disconnection and mental health struggles.

"The answer to male loneliness, male depression, and male stuckness is not feminine intervention. It's masculine intervention."

• Reintegrating male networks and providing masculine support and mentorship is key to addressing men's mental health issues.

• The discussion highlights the dual nature of modern role models, particularly those found in podcasts, blogs, and social media, which can offer both positive and negative influences.
• There's a critique of superficial measures of success, which prioritize external achievements over genuine emotional well-being.
• The conversation emphasizes the dangers of sacrificing personal happiness for success, leading to issues like damaged self-esteem and lack of meaningful relationships.

"I get the sense that for a lot of people, the podcasts and Reddit threads and Substack blogs and authors and thinkers on X that they follow are in many ways giving them some version of a role model."

• This quote underscores the role of modern digital platforms in shaping people's perceptions of success and role models.

"You've sacrificed the thing you wanted which was feeling good for the thing which was supposed to get it which was success."

• This reflects the paradox of pursuing success at the cost of personal happiness and emotional fulfillment.

• Male connection is portrayed as crucial for well-being, emphasizing the need for men to form meaningful friendships with other men.
• The lack of male friendships leads to overworking and dissatisfaction, as men attempt to fill the void with excessive work.
• Historical examples, like the building of Rome, are used to illustrate the power of male brotherhood in creating strong societies.

"Men need to connect to men and remember how to be men together."

• This quote highlights the essential nature of male bonding for personal and societal well-being.

"We are building a new realm but digitally globally men are connecting from outcasts and we are forming a new identity in society."

• This indicates a modern shift towards digital connections among men, forming new societal structures.

• The persistence of the "bad boy" archetype is discussed, with women often drawn to men who exhibit traditional masculinity.
• Anxiously attached men are often friend-zoned due to perceived weakness, while avoidantly attached men appear more masculine but are emotionally unavailable.
• The discussion critiques modern relationship structures and the challenges men face in forming healthy bonds with women.

"Masculine men have that juvenile juvenile masculinity."

• This suggests that many men display a superficial form of masculinity that lacks emotional depth.

"Women overwhelmingly choose masculine men who exhibit strength and assertiveness."

• This highlights a societal preference for traditional masculine traits in romantic relationships.

• The conversation suggests that life's complexity, not its difficulty, is the main barrier to happiness.
• Simplifying life and understanding personal needs can lead to greater fulfillment.
• There's an emphasis on the importance of knowledge and skill acquisition to reduce life's complications.

"Your life does not need to be made easier. It needs to be simpler."

• This quote encapsulates the idea that reducing life's complexity can lead to greater happiness.

"Men are designed to face terror and pain and agony every day."

• This reflects the belief that men are inherently equipped to handle challenges but struggle with unnecessary complications.

• The discussion laments the loss of knowledge throughout history and the need for individuals to relearn basic life skills.
• There's a call for a return to community-based knowledge sharing to prevent future generations from being "orphans" of information.
• The role of modern platforms and individuals in preserving and disseminating knowledge is emphasized.

"You and I are the vehicles by which information is passed on to make sure it doesn't die."

• This highlights the responsibility of individuals to preserve and share knowledge for future generations.

"We are all of us now orphans, Chris. And we shouldn't be endless waves of generations of orphans."

• This metaphorically describes the current state of knowledge loss and the need for collective efforts to rebuild informational continuity.

• The modern world's focus on comfort and safety has led to men being stripped of their drive to overcome hardship and prove their worth.
• Men are sedated by escapist entertainment like video games and pornography, leading to a lack of purpose and increased rates of male loneliness and sexlessness.
• The concept of "male sedation hypothesis" suggests men are anesthetized out of status-seeking and reproductive behavior, which could explain the lack of antisocial behavior despite high levels of loneliness.

"We are comforting men to death. The modern world's obsession with comfort and safety softens men and strips them of their drive to overcome hardship and prove their worth."

• The modern emphasis on comfort and safety is detrimental to men's drive and self-worth.

"In America, the average American man spends 8 years of his life in escapist entertainment, running away from his actual life."

• Men spend a significant portion of their lives escaping reality, contributing to a lack of purpose and fulfillment.

"Men are kind of being sedated out of their status-seeking and reproductive behavior with video games and porn."

• Video games and pornography act as sedatives, reducing men's natural inclinations towards status and reproduction.

• Young male syndrome refers to the disruptive behavior of numerous unmatched men in society.
• Testosterone levels and risk-taking behaviors decrease when men are in relationships or have children.
• The lack of antisocial behavior despite high sexlessness rates raises questions about societal sedation.

"There's a question to be asked, which is if we're seeing some of the highest rates of sexlessness that we ever have in high population density areas, why is there not more antisocial behavior?"

• Despite high rates of sexlessness, there is not a corresponding increase in antisocial behavior, suggesting other factors at play.

"Men are kind of being sedated out of their status-seeking and reproductive behavior with video games and porn."

• Sedation through entertainment might explain the lack of expected disruptive behavior in young men.

• The 50% divorce rate statistic is misleading; first marriages have a higher success rate.
• Couples who pray together or have arranged marriages report higher happiness and lower divorce rates.
• Secure attachment and purpose in marriage are key factors in reducing divorce likelihood.

"You're actually looking at perhaps about 65 to 70% of first marriages succeeding and 30 to 35% failing."

• First marriages have a higher success rate than commonly perceived.

"People who are praying together as a couple every single day, the vast majority of people who only pay lip service to whatever their religion is."

• Couples who engage in daily prayer together often have a shared mission and purpose, contributing to marital success.

• Relationships based on dopamine or oxytocin alone are unlikely to thrive.
• Men need to align with partners who share a unified purpose and mission.
• Seriousness and earnestness in relationships can lead to deeper connections and fulfillment.

"Relationships that are built on dopamine never will thrive. Never."

• Relationships based solely on short-term pleasure are unsustainable.

"You need a woman who has a mission aligned with yours. And then you need to go conquer together."

• Shared goals and missions in relationships foster loyalty and long-term success.

• People confuse love with affection; true love involves continuous actions and choices for another's well-being.
• Fear of losing love stems from misunderstanding its true nature.
• Defining and understanding love is crucial for those who have never experienced it.

"People have confused love with affection. Okay? Affection is a feeling. Love is a series of continuous actions and choices for the person's well-being."

• Love is more than just a feeling; it involves consistent, purposeful actions.

"People aren't afraid of love. They're afraid of losing it."

• The fear of losing love is often based on misconceptions about its true nature.