Why Not All Friends Want the Best for You Ep 535



In this discussion, the host delves into the complexities of friendships, particularly within the context of entrepreneurship and personal growth. He challenges the binary notion of friendship, advocating for a dynamic understanding based on mutual support and alignment of long-term goals. He posits that true friends are those who root for your success, even behind your back, while 'enemies' actively work against your aspirations. The host also touches on the concept of seasonal friendships, emphasizing that it's natural for relationships to evolve as individuals pursue different paths. He shares his controversial view that relationships should be transactional to some degree, ensuring that both parties benefit and grow from the connection. Furthermore, he advises on managing friendships that don't align with one's life vision, suggesting a gradual reduction in interaction or a candid conversation to address diverging paths. Ultimately, the host advocates for surrounding oneself with people who inspire excellence and contribute positively to one's journey, even if that means making difficult decisions about who to keep in one's life.

Summary Notes

Understanding of Seasons in Relationships

  • Relationships have seasons that eventually end.
  • Both parties contribute to each other during their relationship.
  • Realizing that wanting different things is a part of growth and learning.

"Understand that seasons, by their very nature, end and then look back and say, like, we both contributed to another. And then we found out that we wanted different things, which is great. That's the whole point of learning."

The quote highlights the transient nature of relationships and the mutual contributions made during their course. It also emphasizes that discovering divergent desires is a natural and beneficial aspect of personal growth.

Entrepreneurship and Personal Relationships

  • Pursuing dreams can lead to lack of support from current associates.
  • The challenge is finding people who believe in the future version of oneself.
  • Old friends may hold onto outdated versions of a person, hindering growth.

"One of the hardest things about pursuing your dreams and pursuing your goals is that a lot of the people that are in your life right now will not support you and will not support the future version of you that you need to become in order to accomplish those goals."

This quote discusses the difficulty of personal evolution within the context of entrepreneurship, where existing relationships may not align with one's aspirational self.

Alignment in Long-term Relationships

  • Long-term alignment with close individuals like family and spouse is crucial.
  • These relationships should ideally intersect with one's best interests.
  • Differences may arise in the approach to achieving common goals, potentially leading to temporary separations.

"Now, the closer they are to you in terms of long term alignment, the more likely those two versions of you will intersect, which is often why, often, not always why family and your spouse should hopefully be the most aligned with you because long term, their best interest is often aligned with your best interest."

The quote suggests that those closest to us are more likely to have aligned interests, which should foster mutual support in long-term goals, despite potential disagreements on the means to achieve them.

Contrarian Views on Friendship

  • Friendship is not binary but rather a spectrum of closeness.
  • Understanding the opposite of friendship helps define it better.
  • Enemies actively undermine one's goals, while friends support one's success.

"Number one is that I don't see friendship as a binary term meaning it's not that we are friends or not friends, it's how good of friends are we?"

The speaker challenges the binary concept of friendship, suggesting that relationships exist on a continuum of closeness and support.

"So the reverse of that would be somebody who roots for you, in front or behind your back."

This quote defines a true friend as someone who supports you regardless of whether you are present or not, indicating genuine goodwill.

The Dynamics of Male Friendships

  • Male friendships can be competitive, especially when one's status rises.
  • Friends may attempt to diminish one's status to reduce perceived threats.
  • Techniques to undermine include gossip, emotional manipulation, and labeling with an old identity.

"And real talk, that's one of the hardest things out there, especially amongst guys where it's very alpha, competitive, et cetera."

This quote acknowledges the competitive nature of male friendships and the challenges that arise when one member's status increases within the group.

Decision-Making in Relationships

  • Relationships are evaluated based on their contribution to one's goals.
  • The decision to maintain a relationship depends on its alignment with one's objectives.
  • Achieving goals can lead to a new level of friendships that are more aligned with one's evolved identity.

"For me, it's a more helpful way to sift through who I want to keep in my life. And oftentimes when I actually make it that cut and dry, will this person make it more likely that I achieve my goal or not?"

The speaker describes a pragmatic approach to evaluating relationships based on their impact on personal goal achievement.

One Strike Policy

  • A single policy for ending friendships is based on lack of support for one's success.
  • Resentment of one's achievements is a deal-breaker.
  • Some may maintain a facade of friendship in hopes of benefiting from one's success while secretly attempting to undermine it.

"Like, I understand that people are human and people make mistakes, but if you want the one strike, not three strike, one way ticket out of my friendship, you only have to do one thing. You have to not root for me, meaning you actively resent, either explicitly or implicitly, when I win."

This quote outlines a strict policy for ending friendships, where resentment towards the speaker's success is intolerable and grounds for immediate separation.

Resistance to Change in Friendships

  • Friends may resist or criticize changes in your personality or life direction.
  • The criticism often comes in a form that implies you're doing something wrong by changing.
  • It is important to recognize when friends are trying to keep you in your current state for their comfort.

"They'll say you've changed, and they'll phrase it in a way that makes it feel like you're doing something wrong by changing."

This quote emphasizes the negative framing friends may use to criticize personal growth, implying that change is inherently bad.

Projection of Friendship Expectations

  • Individuals often project their own definitions and expectations of friendship onto others.
  • Disagreements in friendships can arise from mismatched expectations about the relationship's nature.
  • Being transactional in friendships means valuing a relationship where benefits outweigh drawbacks.

"The biggest issue that I've had with friendships in general is that people project what they believe friendships should look like in their minds onto our relationship."

This quote highlights the conflict that arises when friends have different visions of what their friendship should entail.

Transactional Nature of Relationships

  • Relationships should be beneficial, with the pros outweighing the cons.
  • A transactional approach to friendships prioritizes mutual benefit and support in achieving goals.
  • Help from friends should make life easier, not harder.

"For me, I am transactional, and this is going to probably piss a lot of people off. But what I mean by that is simply that the pros of this relationship should outweigh the cons."

This quote defines the speaker's transactional view of relationships, where the focus is on the net positive outcome of the friendship.

Allies vs. Enemies

  • It's easier to categorize relationships as allies versus enemies rather than friends.
  • True help comes from those who ease your life, acting as allies.

"If you think about this in terms of allies and enemies, it's probably easier than friends, which can seem really amorphous."

This quote suggests that viewing relationships through the lens of allies and enemies clarifies their impact on your life.

Abundant Exchange in Relationships

  • Belief in abundant exchange means both parties feel they are receiving more than they give.
  • Relationships thrive when there is a perceived excess of value being exchanged.
  • Disproportionate returns on investment in a relationship can ensure its longevity.

"So in terms of exchange, I believe in abundant exchange, same way in business as I do in personal relationship, which is if both of us feel like we're getting the better end of the deal, then relationship will continue."

The speaker equates successful personal relationships with business principles, where both parties benefit greatly from the exchange.

Decision Making: Hard vs. Easy Choices

  • When unsure about a decision, choosing the harder option is often the correct path.
  • The easy thing would have been done already if it were the right choice.
  • The concept of "burning bridges" can be misleading; sometimes it's necessary to let go.

"When you're faced between a hard thing and the easy thing, and you're not sure what to do, you should do the hard thing. Because if the easy thing were the right thing to do, you would have already done it."

This quote advises that when in doubt, the more challenging option is usually the correct one, as easy choices are typically already made.

Pruning Relationships for Growth

  • Cutting off draining relationships can be likened to pruning a tree for better growth.
  • Letting go of certain connections can be the healthiest choice for personal development.

"You can consider it burning a bridge, but you could also consider it pruning a tree in order for the tree to grow right where you only have certain amount of sunlight, water and minerals in the soil."

The speaker uses the metaphor of pruning a tree to illustrate the necessity of ending certain relationships to foster personal growth.

Seasonal Nature of Relationships

  • Relationships, like seasons, have a beginning and an end.
  • It's important to appreciate the time spent together and acknowledge when paths diverge.
  • Learning from past relationships is a part of growth.

"Appreciate the fact that you had a season, understand that seasons by their very nature, end and then look back and say, like, we both contributed to another. And then we found out that we wanted different things, which is great. That's the whole point of learning."

This quote reflects on the transient nature of relationships and the importance of valuing the experiences and lessons they provide.

Promoting Personal Work

  • The speaker has authored a book that represents a significant investment of time and effort.
  • The book is shared as a gift to the community, with the hope of building relationships and future partnerships.

"I have a book on Amazon, it's called 100 million dollar offers that over 8005 star reviews. It has almost a perfect score, you can get it for Kindle."

This quote serves as a self-promotion of the speaker's work, positioning the book as a valuable resource for listeners and a tool for potential future collaboration.

Alignment of Life Visions and Friendships

  • Recognizing when friends' interests and lifestyles no longer align with personal growth and vision.
  • Understanding that it's acceptable for friendships to evolve or end as life trajectories diverge.
  • Accepting the natural ebb and flow of relationships without animosity.

"If that's not aligned with your vision of your life, and it used to be your old life, and now it's coming in conflict, those people are going to, and rightfully so, they're losing a friend, so they want to keep you there, and that's okay."

This quote emphasizes the importance of acknowledging that friends may try to maintain a relationship even when life visions no longer align, and it's important to handle the situation without resentment.

Managing the Evolution of Friendships

  • Decreasing communication frequency can naturally phase out friendships.
  • Close relationships may require a direct conversation to address changes.
  • Emphasizing humanity and taking responsibility for personal changes during difficult conversations.

"Number one is that if you decrease the frequency of communication with someone over time, you get fewer and fewer invites, and then it kind of fizzles."

This quote explains a common method for gradually ending friendships, which is to slowly reduce the frequency of communication until the relationship naturally fades.

Hard Conversations in Friendships

  • Using a framework for difficult discussions that focuses on the other person's humanity.
  • Taking ownership of personal changes and explaining the impact on the friendship.

"I have one framework for having really hard conversations, but I stole from Layla, which is keep the other person as a human being at the forefront of the conversation rather than being right."

This quote provides a strategy for approaching tough conversations by prioritizing the other person's feelings and maintaining respect throughout the dialogue.

Acceptance of Friendship Seasons

  • Recognizing that friendships can be seasonal and that paths may diverge.
  • Understanding that growth involves changes in personal relationships.
  • Accepting that it's unrealistic to expect lifelong friendships with most people encountered.

"It is okay, in my opinion, to have seasons of friends."

This quote acknowledges that friendships can be temporary and that it's normal for relationships to have different durations, like seasons.

Personal Growth and Friendship Dynamics

  • Growth in entrepreneurship and personal life necessitates changes in social circles.
  • Being comfortable with solitude and becoming a self-sufficient individual.
  • Striving for interdependent relationships that mutually enhance both parties.

"You can't grow and stay the same."

This quote succinctly captures the essence of personal growth, highlighting that change is an inevitable part of development.

Perception of Friendships as Transactional

  • Acknowledging that prioritizing time can make friendships seem transactional.
  • Recognizing that high demands on time can necessitate stricter friendship criteria.
  • Understanding that extreme circumstances may require unconventional approaches to relationships.

"Some people have said that my approach or view on friendships is transactional, extreme, whatever. And I'll say, sure, you're right."

This quote reflects self-awareness in recognizing that prioritizing time and personal growth can lead to a more transactional view of friendships.

Balancing Friendships and Time Management

  • Adjusting the frequency of interactions to manage friendships based on available time and mutual benefits.
  • Differentiating between negative and positive friendships and their impact on personal growth.

"You might just be like, hey, we're not every week friends, but I'm a once or twice a year phone call friend."

This quote suggests a practical approach to maintaining friendships over the long term while balancing current priorities and the value exchanged in the relationship.

Relationship Dynamics and Personal Growth

  • Personal relationships should contribute positively to one's goals and personal growth.
  • Neutral friends who neither harm nor help one's goals are seen as occupying valuable space.
  • Relationships are investments of time and energy that should yield positive returns.
  • Not all returns from relationships need to be financial; they can offer different forms of value.
  • Excellence in one's craft, regardless of the field, is highly respected and sought after in friendships.
  • Friends should inspire and be admired for their excellence in various aspects of life.
  • The most important relationship, with a spouse, should be based on mutual admiration and support.
  • A spouse is considered the ultimate ally, rooting for each other's success without resentment.
  • Friendships should be evaluated on the basis of whether they make one better.
  • Sometimes relationships evolve, where one may become more of a mentor or advisor.
  • Relationships with children, despite being resource-intensive, are seen as enriching and improving parents' lives.

if you are not helping me, you are hurting me because you are taking the place and the time of attention of something that could be helping me.

This quote emphasizes the speaker's belief that relationships should be conducive to personal growth and that neutral relationships are a missed opportunity for positive development.

I have a very close friend of mine who is an FBI agent, and he's my oldest friend. He and I have been friends since 6th grade... But what we both mutually appreciate about one another is that we've both been committed to being excellent at our craft.

Here, the speaker values a long-standing friendship that is based on mutual respect for each other's commitment to excellence in their respective fields.

I think if you can see it that way, at least for me, it's been helpful. So I think that you can have friends who aren't necessarily pursuing greatness as long as they're helping you pursue yours.

The speaker suggests that friends don't have to be great themselves but should support one's pursuit of greatness.

I like to be inspired by the people that I'm around. I want to admire something in every friend that I have... They have to be better than me at something, and I want that.

The speaker desires to be surrounded by people who inspire them and possess qualities or skills that the speaker can admire and learn from.

The most important person that should be better than you at stuff is your spouse.

This quote indicates the speaker's view that a spouse should be someone from whom one can learn and who excels in certain areas more than oneself.

does this person make me better? And if they don't, then why are you here?

The speaker uses this rhetorical question to highlight the importance of having people in one's life who contribute to personal improvement.

Kids make parents a lot better in a lot of ways... But most parents would probably think, yes, my life is significantly better. I am better as a result of this relationship.

The speaker acknowledges that while children require a lot of resources, the relationship with them is seen as valuable and improving the lives of the parents.

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