"This Is A Woman's Sexual Fantasy" - Stop Being The Nice Guy & Master Seduction | Robert Greene

Tom Bilyeu and best-selling author Robert Greene delve into the art of seduction, emphasizing its strategic and genuine aspects. They explore why understanding women's fantasies about vampires and billionaires can provide insights into seduction, revealing that both genders desire an element of danger and loss of control. They discuss the importance of individualized attention, avoiding generic approaches, and the role of vulnerability and power dynamics in relationships. Greene also highlights the impact of early childhood experiences on adult attraction and the necessity of balancing masculine and feminine traits in seduction.

• Seduction should be approached as an art form, requiring strategy and genuine engagement.
• Every action or inaction can make one more or less desirable.
• Understanding women and being both artful and genuine in seduction increases chances of success.

"If you want to do well with women you are going to have to understand it as an art. You don't need to be fake, but you do need to be strategic."

• Emphasizes the necessity of strategy and genuine behavior in seduction.

• Women fantasize about figures like vampires and billionaires, indicating a desire to lose control and be overwhelmed.
• Men share a similar attraction to dangerous women or those with strong sexual energy.
• Fantasies reveal underlying desires and psychological patterns.

"Seduction involves the desire to lose control, and men share this as well, which is why men are often attracted to women who are slightly dangerous."

• Highlights the shared human attraction to danger and loss of control in seduction.

"The fantasy of you can have any kind of object that you desire like in a fairy tale because this man has billions of dollars."

• Explains the allure of billionaires as figures of security and unlimited possibilities.

• Men’s pornography searches are predominantly visual and body-part focused.
• Women prefer story-based erotic stimulation, often engaging with written erotica.

"Male pornography and male pornographic searches are all around like body parts... whereas women are into a totally different kind of erotic stimulation."

• Contrasts the visual nature of male erotic interests with the story-based preferences of women.

• The Dandy archetype blends androgyny and danger, appealing to women’s fantasies.
• This archetype reflects the algorithm running in a woman's brain, different from that in a male brain.

"The Dandy blends the two, so there's a familiarity for the woman of a vamp... mixing the androgyny but then you need the like you talk a lot about Errol Flynn who had flashes of danger."

• Describes the Dandy archetype and its appeal in seduction.

• Successful seduction requires understanding and catering to the individual fantasies and preferences of each woman.
• Men often fail by thinking in generic terms and not individualizing their approach.

"You want to drop everything and you want to enter their world and look at the signs that they are giving out as to what their fantasies are."

• Stresses the importance of personalized attention in seduction.

"The worst thing you can do in seduction is to give the other person the idea that you are coming at them and thinking of somebody else."

• Warns against generic approaches and emphasizes individualized attention.

• Seduction involves vulnerability, openness, and the willingness to be wounded.
• Historical and psychological roots of seduction link to early relationships, often with a mother figure.

"Seduction involves a sense of vulnerability... the willingness to be wounded."

• Defines vulnerability as a crucial element in seduction.

"The origin of seduction actually comes from our relationship to our parents."

• Connects seduction to early childhood relationships and psychological development.

• Modern society's puritanical and politically correct constraints increase the desire for seduction and vulnerability.
• People are ambivalent, often hiding insecurities behind strong qualities.

"When people reveal a strong quality such as defensiveness... lurking underneath is a deep deep insecurity."

• Explains the psychological ambivalence and hidden desires in people.

"People secretly want to be seduced... it's what I wrote about in human nature about the Dark Side of our shadow that we're trying to repress."

• Discusses the repressed desire for seduction in contemporary culture.

• Resistance and the sense of not being able to have someone increases desire and excitement.
• Seduction thrives on the element of naughtiness and taboo.

"We are by nature attracted to what we cannot have... a sense of resistance entices us into it."

• Highlights the importance of resistance and unattainability in seduction.

• Seduction should never involve coercion, force, or violence.
• Respecting boundaries and cultural codes is crucial in ethical seduction.

"There is nothing in The Art of Seduction That ever even comes close to advocating violence or rape or coercion."

• Emphasizes the ethical boundaries in practicing seduction.

"The fifth chapter... is about isolating the other person... but you would never ever start out of seduction with that strategy."

• Explains the ethical considerations and appropriate use of strategies in seduction.

• Seduction is often misunderstood and criticized, but it provides valuable insights into human nature and relationships.
• The book "The Art of Seduction" helps readers understand and protect themselves against manipulative tactics.

"My book explains to you how a seducer works and it gives you the knowledge for how to resist him."

• Clarifies the educational and protective aspects of the book.

"Half the book is about women seducing men... it's about seduction in general, the whole psychological process."

• Addresses misconceptions and the comprehensive scope of the book on seduction.

• Understanding human nature and the underlying desires is essential for navigating relationships and seduction.
• The book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" reveals shocking truths about human erotic interests.

"It is what people search for when they're searching for pornography... it is shocking and that's just who we are."

• Emphasizes the importance of understanding the reality of human desires and behavior.

• Powerlessness can lead to self-hatred, depression, or passive-aggressive behavior.
• Admitting the desire for power and influence is essential for personal authenticity and effectiveness.

"We all desire a degree of power and control in life...The sense that I cannot influence my boss, my colleagues, my wife, my children, the people around me is deeply, deeply miserable for us."

• The inability to influence others can lead to feelings of misery and powerlessness.

"When we're powerless, we either turn in on ourselves, we end up hating ourselves and we get depressed, or we become passive-aggressive and we start manipulating other people."

• Lack of power can lead to either self-destructive behaviors or manipulative actions towards others.

• Niceness is beneficial if controlled and used strategically.
• Pleasing others often stems from deep insecurity and can be counterproductive.

"Niceness is okay if it's under control... if you use it and you know how to use it strategically."

• Niceness should be genuine but controlled and strategically applied.

"Trying so hard to please and trying so hard to be nice secretly indicates that you're actually very weak inside, and it's very much a turnoff."

• Excessive niceness can signal weakness and insecurity, making it unattractive.

• Understanding relationship dynamics can be akin to marketing oneself.
• Seduction involves strategic revealing and creating excitement through controlled presence and absence.

"I was so bad with women for so long and then figured out how to play the game... I could be successful sort of when I wanted to be."

• Learning the "rules" of attraction can drastically change one's success in relationships.

"Seduction is real; people need to stop pretending that it's not... from my perspective, this is based on Evolution."

• Seduction is a natural and evolutionary-driven aspect of human relationships.

• Observing and understanding women individually is more effective than relying solely on generalized knowledge.
• Men should develop their observational skills and emotional intelligence to better connect with women.

"If you pay attention to the person that you're trying to seduce... you will see these qualities in them."

• Direct observation and emotional connection are crucial for understanding and seducing women.

"The main thing you want is to be getting out of your head and into your emotions and into observing and into feeling what the other person is feeling."

• Emotional engagement and observation are more effective than analytical approaches in seduction.

• Generosity in attention, time, and personality is highly seductive.
• Balancing generosity with strategic absence can enhance attractiveness.

"Generosity is a very powerful seductive quality... you're generous with your attention, you're generous with what you're giving to the other person."

• Being generous with one's attention and time is highly attractive.

"The sense of being generous with your personality, with the time, with the attention you get is incredibly, incredibly seductive."

• Generosity in various forms, not just financial, is a key element of seduction.

• Both men and women possess a mix of masculine and feminine qualities.
• Crossing traditional gender boundaries can enhance seductive power.

"We're a mix of qualities; nobody is completely masculine and no woman is completely feminine."

• Understanding and embracing one's mix of qualities can enhance seduction.

"The sense of kind of crossing boundaries with gender is actually a sign of some of the periods in history where things were the most open to seduction."

• Historical periods of high seduction often involved fluid gender norms.

• Pornography and virtual interactions have altered young men's perceptions and needs.
• Economic instability and high anxiety levels contribute to less physical and emotional interaction.

"For men, a lot of it has to do with porn... their idea of sex and what is pleasurable comes from those ideals in pornography."

• Pornography has changed young men's expectations and needs regarding sex.

"Young people have grown up in these periods of massive economic instability... that anxiety makes you want to kind of retreat into your own inner world."

• Economic instability and high anxiety levels are significant factors in reduced physical and emotional interactions.

• Modern society has often condemned masculine impulses, contributing to male insecurity.
• Male sexuality is intricately tied to power dynamics, which are often misunderstood or suppressed.

"I think that a big part of the problem is what you're talking about with insecurity... society that's really spent the last several decades telling men that their masculine impulses are bad."

• Societal condemnation of masculine impulses contributes to male insecurity.

"Sex itself dances around power dynamics... it's one of the main things in female erotica as power dynamics."

• Understanding the power dynamics in sexuality is crucial for both men and women.

• Men face challenges related to economic instability, high debt, and easy access to pornography, which can affect their confidence and sense of power.
• Confidence and a sense of power are crucial for men to feel good about themselves and maintain sexual health.
• Physical health, including diet and nutrition, plays a significant role in men's self-esteem and overall well-being.

"If men are either because the economy is weird and they're not able to get on the property ladder and they've got, you know, $180,000 in debt and they don't feel like they're going anywhere and they're lost in a sense of hopelessness, they have easy access to pornography, they're just not feeling powerful."

• Explanation: Economic and social factors contribute to a sense of powerlessness among men, which affects their confidence and mental health.

"A guy has to feel confident and powerful, not in a weird 'I'm a dominant' way, but strong and confident, rooted in his body and feeling good about himself to get and maintain an erection."

• Explanation: Confidence and physical well-being are essential for men's sexual health and overall self-esteem.

• Contemporary society presents a confusing landscape for men regarding their roles and virtues.
• Positive male role models are scarce, leading to confusion about what constitutes masculine virtues.
• There is a societal tendency to view traditional masculine traits as negative or "ugly."

"It's not a good time to be a man right now. It's very confusing. Our role models are very mixed up. We don't really know what is a positive virtue for a man."

• Explanation: The lack of clear and positive male role models contributes to confusion about masculine identity.

"Men are seen as something kind of ugly in our culture. It seems like ugly energy that comes from men."

• Explanation: Society often portrays traditional masculine traits negatively, contributing to a crisis in male identity.

• Positive masculine traits include leadership, strength, and the ability to dominate a room constructively.
• These traits need to be channeled in socially productive ways.
• The ideal male figure should exhibit inner strength, confidence, and the ability to lead by example.

"To me, a masculine quality is a kind of inner strength. It doesn't need to yell; it doesn't need to scream; it doesn't need to bully people."

• Explanation: True masculine strength is characterized by inner confidence and the ability to lead without aggression.

"The ability to set an example, to tell people 'this is how you should be' by how I'm behaving, taking responsibility—these are masculine qualities."

• Explanation: Leading by example and taking responsibility are key aspects of positive masculinity.

• Aggression is a natural part of male energy, driven by testosterone.
• This energy needs to be channeled constructively, such as through ambition and competitiveness.
• Men should have an aggressive "gear" but not live there permanently.

"Men have aggressive energy; it's the testosterone flowing through us. You can't repress it; you can't get rid of it. It's there, and how you channel it is the key."

• Explanation: Aggression is an inherent male trait that needs to be directed towards positive outcomes.

"Being competitive is aligned with being ambitious, and a man who seems ambitious is very seductive. Having no ambition is very unmasculine and very anti-seductive."

• Explanation: Ambition and competitiveness are attractive and essential traits for men.

• Effective leaders know when to be aggressive and when to be strategic.
• Aggression should be controlled and used judiciously, not recklessly.
• The ability to adapt and shift strategies is crucial for long-term success.

"Aggression has to be not just physical; it has to be intellectual, it has to be mental. You have to be aware of how to channel it to best effect."

• Explanation: Successful use of aggression involves strategic thinking and self-awareness.

"You have this energy, this strength, this ambition, this competitive desire. If you don't control it, it's going to run you into all kinds of problems."

• Explanation: Uncontrolled aggression can lead to negative outcomes; it must be managed effectively.

• Mastering oneself is essential for channeling aggressive energy constructively.
• Martial arts serve as a metaphor for this mastery, balancing aggression with control.
• Leaders must be adaptable, knowing when to be aggressive and when to be gentle.

"You can't be a master in martial arts if you haven't mastered yourself and your brain and your energy. You have to master yourself, and then you can kick butt in any kind of encounter or battle."

• Explanation: Self-mastery is crucial for effectively channeling aggressive energy and achieving success.

"The great leaders and a great masculine quality come from Warfare, being strategic, knowing what fits the circumstance."

• Explanation: Strategic thinking and adaptability are key traits of effective leaders.

• Physical violence is less common today, but psychological violence and manipulation are prevalent.
• Understanding the dynamics of power and being prepared for psychological challenges are essential.
• Men need to develop a core strength to face both physical and psychological threats.

"The violence that we're facing in the world today is not the violence that ancient Romans faced on the battlefield. We face veiled violence; we face people who don't want to hurt you physically, but they're going to hurt you mentally."

• Explanation: Modern challenges often involve psychological manipulation rather than physical violence.

"If you enter life being naive, thinking that appearances are what people are, that people aren't necessarily so tricky, you're in for a life of pain."

• Explanation: Being naive about people's intentions can lead to significant challenges and setbacks.

• Courage involves a willingness to face challenges without regard for the consequences.
• Fearlessness is an essential part of masculine strength, enabling men to push through difficulties.
• The ability to remain committed to a goal despite obstacles is a key aspect of courage.

"I have an element of 'I don't care,' and I think that's an important part of courage in life, where you're willing to; you don't really care about the consequences."

• Explanation: True courage involves a disregard for personal consequences in the pursuit of a goal.

"When I was writing the laws of human nature, I had a feeling like I'm killing myself writing this book because it's too much. I didn't pull back because damn it, I have to do this, and I don't care."

• Explanation: Commitment to a goal, even at personal cost, is a significant aspect of courage and fearlessness.

• Physical and Mental Strength: The speaker emphasizes the importance of both physical and mental toughness in sports, likening it to a battlefield experience that strengthens individuals.
• Strategic Aspect: The speaker is fascinated by the strategic elements of sports, particularly football, and how mental toughness is crucial for success.
• Admiration for Athletes: The speaker admires athletes, especially football players, for their ability to stay attuned to the moment and make quick decisions under pressure.

"It's important that you do it and if it hurts you physically, so be it. That's the nature of it."

• The speaker acknowledges the physical pain associated with sports and views it as an essential part of the experience.

"What I love about sports is it's the mental aspect that makes you a great athlete."

• The speaker highlights that mental strength is what separates good athletes from great ones.

"Thinking like a quarterback... he's thinking but he's thinking so quickly."

• The speaker admires the quick decision-making abilities of quarterbacks like Patrick Mahomes.

• Evolutionary Basis: The speaker suggests that women's attraction to ambitious men has evolutionary roots, indicating a man's ability to provide and survive in a tough world.
• Ambition as a Support Mechanism: Ambitious men are seen as reliable and capable of providing both material and psychological support.

"Why do women find ambition seductive? I think you'd have to go to evolutionary reasons."

• The speaker believes that the attraction to ambition is rooted in evolutionary biology.

"An ambitious man... he's going to be able to survive in a very tough world."

• The speaker asserts that ambition signals a man's ability to navigate and succeed in challenging environments.

• Visual and Sensory Cues: Women use visual and sensory cues like appearance, voice, and perfume to seduce men.
• The Role of the Rake: Men, particularly "Rakes," seduce by being intensely attentive and creating a captivating experience for the woman.

"Women will use the visual sense factors... how they dress, how their body looks, their perfume."

• The speaker explains that women utilize sensory cues to attract men.

"The quintessential male Seducer is The Rake... he's 100% attuned to them."

• The speaker describes how "Rakes" seduce women by being fully attentive and creating a poetic experience.

• Mother's Influence on Men: The speaker discusses how a man's relationship with his mother influences his attraction to certain types of women.
• Father's Influence on Women: Similarly, a woman's relationship with her father impacts her attraction to certain types of men.

"The mother figure for a boy... is extremely powerful."

• The speaker highlights the significant impact a mother has on her son's future attractions.

"A lot of women will admit that the Father Figure had a very powerful impact on what they're attracted to."

• The speaker notes that women are generally more open about the influence their fathers have on their attractions.

• Nonverbal Cues: Seduction involves a lot of nonverbal communication, including body language, eye contact, and overall presentation.
• Confidence and Security: Being confident and secure is crucial in seduction, as insecurity is highly anti-seductive.

"Seduction is a language that does not involve words... it involves what is not spoken."

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of nonverbal communication in seduction.

"The most anti-seductive quality is insecurity."

• The speaker points out that insecurity is a major turn-off in seduction.

• Adaptation to Online Dating: While the medium has changed, the fundamental rules of seduction remain the same.
• Being in the Moment: Staying present and attentive during interactions is crucial for successful seduction.

"It's a different playing field, but the main thing is... pay attention to the nonverbals."

• The speaker acknowledges the shift to online dating but stresses the continued importance of nonverbal communication.

"Be in the moment... you're alive, you're attuned, you're listening."

• The speaker advises staying present and attentive during interactions to enhance seduction.

• Authenticity: It's essential to be authentic and use one's unique qualities in seduction.
• Avoiding Moral Judgment: Being non-judgmental and open is crucial for creating a seductive environment.

"You have to use who you are... it has to fit who you are."

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of being authentic in one's seduction techniques.

"Any kind of moralizing, judging quality is very anti-seductive."

• The speaker advises against being judgmental, as it is detrimental to seduction.

• Deep Listening: Paying close attention to the other person and remembering details can be very impressive and seductive.
• Interactive Engagement: Engaging in a dynamic and responsive conversation is more effective than sticking to a preset agenda.

"I would listen very deeply... and then bring it up again later."

• The speaker highlights the power of deep listening and recalling details in conversations.

"If the person interviewing me is in the moment... then there's a nice flow."

• The speaker compares effective seduction to a good interview, emphasizing the importance of being present and responsive.

• Follow and Learn: The speaker encourages following their work for more insights into these complex topics.
• Be Legendary: The conversation ends with a motivational note to be legendary in one's endeavors.