The Desire To Be Seen | Art Of Accomplishment Podcast #115

Brett Kler and Tara Howley discuss the deep-seated human desire to be seen, exploring how societal and familial norms often suppress this need, leading to false identities and internal conflicts. They emphasize that genuine self-growth and flourishing come from acknowledging and embracing both our strengths and imperfections. Tara highlights that the fear of being seen stems from shame and the risk of exposing our true selves. The conversation underscores the importance of self-compassion and the practice of seeing oneself and others to foster authentic connections and personal development. They also discuss practical steps to break free from these internal and relational binds.

• The desire to be seen is a fundamental human need, present from childhood through adulthood.
• This desire is often driven by biological imperatives and societal behaviors.
• There is a bidirectional relationship between the desire to be seen and our capacity to see ourselves.

"People want to be seen. It is, I would almost say, a biological imperative where the first thing as babies, their vision is the length of a mama's face so they can see to Mama."

• The need to be seen is biologically ingrained from infancy, crucial for safety and connection.

"If we're seen and a wildfire comes, we know that the community will grab us and take us."

• Being seen ensures safety and survival within a community.

"We villainize it for a number of reasons. This basic instinct of wanting to be seen, we start telling children very young like, 'Oh, that's bad. Tone it down. Don't brag. Don't get excited. Don't ask for my attention.'"

• Society often suppresses the desire to be seen, leading to internalized shame and a false front.

• Shame plays a significant role in how we perceive ourselves and our desire to be seen.
• Shame leads to the development of a false front, hiding parts of ourselves deemed unacceptable.

"See me, see me, but wait, don't see me because if you see me, you're going to see my badness or my wrongness or all the ways I'm messed up."

• Shame creates a conflict between the desire to be seen and the fear of being judged.

"We were often shamed to stifle that emotion like, 'Oh, come on, don't ask for so much. Tamp it down. Don't brag.'"

• External reactions to being seen as children can lead to internalized shame and suppression of true self.

• The false front is a socially acceptable facade we present to others, hiding our true selves.
• This false front is developed based on what is acceptable in our families, cultures, or societies.

"We start developing a false front like, 'Oh, here I'm going to show you all the parts that are socially acceptable.'"

• The false front is a protective mechanism to avoid judgment and shame.

"If we're truly seen, people are going to see beyond it. It risks being seen beyond the false front, and I think that's what is terrifying."

• The fear of being seen beyond the false front creates a double bind, both externally and internally.

• The desire to be seen is linked to our capacity to see ourselves and others.
• When unmet, this desire can lead to behaviors driven by lack and not enoughness.

"When we cannot see ourselves, we will over-index on wanting to be seen, on longing to be seen because that biological need is there."

• An unmet need to be seen can result in overcompensation and seeking validation from others.

"When we're acting from lack, all we see is not enoughness."

• Acting from a place of lack can distort our perception and hinder genuine connection.

• Being seen is a primal human need, essential for safety, development, and growth.
• It involves being recognized and understood by others, fostering a sense of belonging and security.

"We developed in groups, hunter-gatherers in the early days, and we had to be seen by that group, that tribe, if you will, that community to stay safe."

• Being seen is crucial for survival and safety within a community.

"If we were seen, we were developed. It is through really being seen that we grow when elders, teachers really see us."

• Being seen by others, especially mentors and elders, supports personal development and skill growth.

• Initial Dependence in Childhood: Small children rely heavily on the support and teachings of their family and community for survival.
• Transition to Thriving in Adulthood: As individuals grow older, the need to be seen shifts from a survival instinct to a thriving instinct, where acknowledgment and being seen enable flourishing.
• Impact in Professional Settings: In companies, CEOs often fail to acknowledge their employees because they are used to being self-reliant, which can lead to a lack of acknowledgment and lower performance among employees.

"Imagine a small child absolutely needs, couldn't survive without the support and mentorship and teachings of the tribe of the family."

• This quote underscores the critical dependence of children on their family and community for survival and development.

"When we're really seen, we can flourish as we get older."

• Being seen and acknowledged is essential for thriving and flourishing in adulthood, beyond mere survival.

"If your CEO can acknowledge you, then you most people tend to thrive."

• Acknowledgment from leaders in a professional setting drives performance and helps employees thrive.

• Social Fabric of Organizations: Acknowledgment and being seen are crucial elements of the social fabric in organizations, supporting thriving and connection.
• Common Dynamics in Conflicts: In conflicts, both parties often feel unseen and unheard, leading to a cycle of reactions that exacerbate the situation.

"The acknowledgment and the seeing and being seen is a lot of the kind of social fabric in an organization or in a community that supports the thriving."

• Acknowledgment and being seen are foundational to the social structure that supports thriving in organizations and communities.

"Two people want to be seen by the other and then react in ways that cause the other to feel less seen."

• This quote highlights a common dynamic in conflicts where both parties' desire to be seen leads to actions that make the other feel less seen, perpetuating the conflict.

• Counterintuitive Approach: The way out of conflicts where one feels unseen is to focus on seeing and hearing the other person, which can de-escalate the situation.
• Settling into Senses: Truly seeing someone else requires settling into one's senses, which calms the nervous system and reduces the fight-or-flight response.
• Curiosity and Questions: Asking questions and being curious about the other person can help both parties step out of their mental traps and see each other's perspectives.

"It is to see and to hear. This is where view comes in really handy—asking questions, getting curious about the other person."

• The solution to feeling unseen in a conflict is to focus on seeing and hearing the other person through curiosity and questions.

"When you start asking your partner or direct report or someone else questions, it takes them out of the fight-flight survival instinct."

• Asking questions helps the other person move out of a defensive state and into a more relaxed and open state.

• Stepping Out of Mental Traps: Seeing someone else's perspective helps individuals step out of their mental traps and reduces feelings of being cornered.
• Identity Shifts: Truly seeing another person can lead to parts of one's own rigid identity dropping away, allowing for more openness and understanding.

"When we hear someone else's story and we listen, we don't even have to believe it, but when we just hear it and honor it as their perspective, it starts opening the trap in our mind too."

• Listening to and honoring someone else's perspective can help open mental traps and reduce rigid thinking.

"Parts of our own identity drop away when we're really seeing someone else."

• Seeing someone else deeply can lead to the dissolution of parts of one's rigid identity, fostering greater openness.

• Lack of Modeling: Many people did not have role models who demonstrated how to drop into their senses and get curious when feeling unseen.
• Old Traumas and Emotional Triggers: Emotional triggers and old traumas can prevent individuals from dropping into their senses and settling their nervous system.

"Very few of us had a model of when being unseen to actually get curious and drop into our senses."

• The lack of role models showing how to handle feelings of being unseen contributes to the difficulty in adopting this approach.

"Often it's an old trauma, a very young part of us that's getting re-triggered."

• Old traumas and emotional triggers from younger parts of ourselves can make it challenging to drop into our senses and calm our nervous system.

• Current Situations for Healing: The current situation, rather than the past, holds the potential for healing and addressing the need to be seen.
• Recognition of the Need: The first step in addressing the need to be seen is recognizing it and acknowledging its presence in the current context.

"The current situation is where there's the potential for healing."

• Healing and addressing the need to be seen can occur in the present situation, not just by addressing past wounds.

"The key is to recognize it: 'Oh, I just want to be seen here.'"

• Recognizing and acknowledging the desire to be seen is the first step in addressing it effectively.

• Internal Conflict Resolution: Recognizing the desire to be seen can soften internal conflicts and lead to self-acceptance.
• Self-Acknowledgment: The first step in resolving internal conflicts is acknowledging the desire to be seen.

"Of course I just want to be seen here."

• Recognizing this desire can stop internal fights and lead to a sense of softening and acceptance.

"When you say of course to yourself, you're starting to see yourself right that's honoring a part of yourself."

• Acknowledging this desire is a form of self-honor and self-recognition.

• Introspection and Awareness: Being more introspectively aware helps in sharing deeper parts of oneself with others.
• Seeing Beneath the Surface: This process allows individuals to see beyond surface-level insecurities or fears to deeper cares and longings.

"In this process of wanting to be seen and then checking in with our body with our sensations... we might be seeing beneath the surface layer insecurity or fear into the deeper care or the deeper longing."

• Introspection aids in recognizing deeper emotional layers and improves how we share our experiences.

• Bragging: Often a sign of wanting to be seen; it can come across as bragging when it's a deeper desire for recognition.
• Judgment of Others: Judging others for bragging or taking up space can indicate an unacknowledged desire within oneself.
• Envy: A pointer to parts of oneself that are disallowed or unrecognized.
• Daydreams: Represent unacknowledged strengths, skills, and capacities.
• Compliments Pushed Away: Indicates a fear of being seen and a reluctance to accept one's positive attributes.

"Anytime we're like, well did you know that the other day I was... usually under that there's this wanting to be seen."

• Bragging often masks a deeper desire for recognition and visibility.

"Anywhere where you judge anybody else for wanting to be seen or being seen or taking up space... is a great pointer to a part of yourself that's not allowed to be seen."

• Judgment of others can be a reflection of one's unacknowledged desires.

"Envy rocks right because it is it's that pointer to parts of ourselves we've disallowed."

• Envy reveals parts of oneself that are disallowed or unrecognized.

"Daydreams... can point to parts of selves that want to be seen like your strengths and skills and capacity."

• Daydreams highlight unacknowledged strengths and desires for recognition.

"Anytime someone gives you a compliment and you discredit it in your mind... those are parts of yourself that are longing to be seen but you're not allowing yourself to see."

• Pushing away compliments indicates a reluctance to accept and recognize one's positive attributes.

• Shame and Fear of Flaws: Fear of being seen often stems from shame and the fear that others will see one's flaws.
• Empowerment and Wholeness: People often can't see their own goodness and empowerment, leading to a reluctance to let others see it.
• Fear of Pride: The fear that accepting compliments will lead to arrogance and narcissism.

"If we're given a compliment and they're saying oh this is awesome but we actually think we're bad then it's triggering a Badness."

• Compliments can trigger feelings of inadequacy and shame.

"We can't see our own goodness therefore can't let someone else see our goodness our power."

• Difficulty in recognizing one's own positive attributes can prevent others from seeing them.

"Most of us assume if we take on the compliment that we will become arrogant and prideful and narcissistic."

• Fear of pride and arrogance can lead to rejecting compliments.

• Parental Influence: Parents' reactions to children's achievements can impact their ability to accept recognition.
• Avoidance of Emotions: Parents may avoid certain emotions like excitement, pride, or joy, affecting their children's sense of accomplishment.

"The earliest way that parents stop seeing kids... often you'll hear the reaction don't let it get to your head."

• Parental reactions can discourage children from recognizing their achievements.

"If I'm not allowed my own excitement and a kid comes to me say look what I did I'm going to be like Tamp it down kid."

• Parents' inability to handle certain emotions can lead them to suppress their children's emotions.

"I remember another father being like don't get too wild in there... because his wildness wasn't allowed so he couldn't allow his kids wildness."

• Parents' restrictions on their own emotions can lead to similar restrictions on their children's expressions.

• Polarity of Self-Perception: The dilemma between being seen for one's true self versus a false image.
• Balancing Realities: The challenge of holding both positive and negative aspects of oneself without letting external validation affect self-perception.

"The fear is if I actually let in this compliment it will go to my False Image."

• Accepting compliments can be challenging due to fears of reinforcing a false self-image.

"We can't hold that we're good and bad we're flawed and perfect we're human and everything."

• Balancing the acceptance of both positive and negative aspects of oneself is crucial for genuine self-recognition.

• The suppression of wildness and authenticity starts from needing to be seen in a specific way for safety in families.
• Emotional work, such as processing anger and grief, helps reconnect with one's wildness and true self.

"The minute we start needing to be seen in a certain way to be safe in our families which happens to all of us it is a tamping down of our wildness and it is a tamping down of our musculature and our authenticity and who we really are."

• Needing to be seen in a specific way suppresses our true nature and authenticity.

"I do believe that anger work and grief brings us back to our wildness brings us back in touch with that."

• Processing emotions like anger and grief can help reconnect with our wildness.

• The journey to being seen involves grounding, safety, and compassion.
• Compassion is essential to see beyond the false self and accept imperfections.

"It usually involves getting some ground some safety... compassion is a big piece in it."

• The process starts with grounding and safety, followed by self-compassion.

"We really need to have compassion to see our... beyond our false self beyond that mask we need to have a lot of compassion."

• Compassion is necessary to see beyond the false self and accept our true nature.

• Grieving ignored parts of the self is a common initial emotional response.
• Anger, fear, and encountering the shadow self are other common experiences.

"One of the first things I see people bump into is having to grieve all that they ignored all the ideas they had all the parts of themselves that they had to kind of stamp down in order to maintain a false front."

• Grieving the ignored parts of oneself is a common initial emotional response.

"Hand in hand with that usually anger and fear so there's a huge emotional emotional experience that happens."

• Anger and fear often accompany the grieving process.

"Then you start bumping into the imperfect part the shadow truly... the parts of the self that weren't allowed."

• Encountering the shadow self, including imperfections and disallowed parts, is part of the journey.

• The desire to be seen often masks deeper needs and parts of the self wanting acknowledgment.
• True acknowledgment involves recognizing deeper aspects of one's wildness.

"All of those are the parts that really wanted to be seen and it might have been like oh I want to be seen for doing the dishes but it's on some really deep level it's what you just described that is actually actually wanting to be seen."

• The desire to be seen often masks deeper needs and parts of the self wanting acknowledgment.

"A conflict will just continue you can you can see me for doing the dishes five or six times and it won't necessarily change the pattern unless like the those deeper Things become unless the wildness yeah is welcome."

• True acknowledgment requires recognizing and welcoming deeper aspects of one's wildness.

• Practice seeing oneself and acknowledging personal efforts and desires.
• Extend this practice to others by acknowledging their efforts and contributions.

"See yourself right like oh I see how hard I'm working or I see how much I want it and just have a little practice of oh these are all the things I see about me so that you're practicing that internal gaze of seeing self."

• Practice seeing and acknowledging personal efforts and desires.

"See your partner see your community share things you're seeing with them see your direct reports and acknowledge you see like oh I see how hard you work to get the dishes done or I see how hard you're working to get XYZ."

• Extend the practice to others by acknowledging their efforts and contributions.

• Sharing love and acknowledgment with the community creates a mirror effect, enhancing one's ability to receive love and acknowledgment.
• Practicing acknowledgment helps in recognizing and receiving when others see us.

"The more love we share with our community it's it's that mirror effect it comes back to us and we're practicing the muscle so when it does come back to us we can receive it."

• Sharing love and acknowledgment with the community creates a mirror effect, enhancing one's ability to receive love and acknowledgment.

"Oftentimes we want to be seen and we can't see all the ways we are being seen you know it might be that our partner is telling us things all the time but we're like blocking it or literally not hearing it or not translating it as being seen."

• Practicing acknowledgment helps in recognizing and receiving when others see us.

• Self-recognition and acknowledgment are crucial for internal fulfillment and reducing the "hungry ghost" feeling.
• Allowing oneself to feel seen internally helps in processing associated emotions like fear and grief.

"If they're not giving themselves that seeing if they're not seeing themselves then there's still something in that hungry ghosts that's missing."

• Self-recognition and acknowledgment are crucial for internal fulfillment and reducing the "hungry ghost" feeling.

"Letting your own body feel it I see how everything that comes with that and everything that comes with that that's right that fear and the grief yeah letting it hit the Body Hit the heart and the gut ricochet around like a pinball machine."

• Allowing oneself to feel seen internally helps in processing associated emotions like fear and grief.