Negative Emotional Motivation Ep 256

Summary Notes


In a thought-provoking discussion, the host delves into the nuances of envy and jealousy, drawing from a conversation with Nick Bayerly of the billion dollar brotherhood. The host distinguishes between envy, the desire for something someone else possesses, and jealousy, the fear of losing what one has to another. Using personal anecdotes, the host argues that envy, while often seen negatively, can be a powerful motivator for individual and collective growth. Furthermore, the host explores the idea that the intentions behind actions are less important than the outcomes, suggesting that even self-interested motivations can lead to beneficial results. The episode concludes with the empowering message that acknowledging and naming emotions can create the space for better decision-making and that allowing oneself to want is a sufficient reason for desire, provided it doesn't harm others.

Summary Notes

Envy as a Motivational Tool

  • Envy can serve as a motivator within a group, pushing individuals to achieve more.
  • The presence of envy indicates a desire for something that someone else possesses.
  • Envy can elevate the collective performance of a group by encouraging members to reach the level of the envied individual.

If in a group, one person or one being, one animal, whatever brings more to the table, you are now envious of that person. And what it does is it elevates the rest of the group to go and achieve the same, which is good for the collective.

This quote explains how envy can be beneficial to a group by serving as a catalyst for others to improve, thereby enhancing the collective success of the group.

Introduction to "The Game" Podcast

  • The podcast aims to discuss strategies for acquiring and retaining customers, increasing customer value, and learning from past failures and successes.
  • The host expresses a desire to provide valuable content and encourages listeners to subscribe.

Welcome to the game, where we talk about how to get more customers, how to make more per customer, and to keep them longer, and the many failures and lessons we have learned along the way. I hope you enjoy and subscribe.

This quote introduces the podcast's main focus and sets the stage for the kind of content listeners can expect, including business strategies and lessons learned.

Conversation with Nick Bayerly

  • Speaker A had a valuable conversation with Nick Bayerly about motivation.
  • Nick Bayerly leads a mastermind group called "Billion Dollar Brotherhood."
  • The conversation's insights prompted Speaker A to share thoughts on envy and jealousy with the audience.

Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of the game. What I want to talk to you about today was a conversation that I had with Nick Bayerly. We went to dinner last night. He has a mastermind of men called billion dollar brotherhood, and we were having conversation about motivation, and I figured I would share it with you because I think it was of a lot of value.

This quote sets the context for the episode's topic, revealing the source of inspiration for the discussion on motivation, envy, and jealousy.

Delineation Between Envy and Jealousy

  • Speaker A emphasizes the importance of distinguishing between envy and jealousy.
  • Envy is characterized by the desire for something that someone else has and that one lacks.
  • Jealousy is the fear of losing something one has to someone else who does not have it.

And so I was sharing that recently, I had delineated between the feelings of envy and jealousy and how important it has been for me to be able to first name those emotions so that I could then analyze how I was feeling about them and the actions that I would subsequently take as a result of them.

This quote highlights the speaker's realization of the need to differentiate and understand these emotions to better manage their responses and actions.

Personal Experiences with Envy

  • Speaker A acknowledges feeling envious of a friend's success in running a weight loss company.
  • The speaker openly admits to experiencing envy after a conversation with the friend.

So, envy, I may be envious of a friend of mine. So I was actually talking to a good friend of mine who runs a big weight loss company, and right now, he's doing better than I am. And now I am envious of his success. I am. I can feel it. I'm envious. I got off the phone, and I was like, I am envious of you.

This quote provides a candid example of Speaker A experiencing envy, demonstrating how recognizing and naming the emotion is the first step in addressing it.

Personal Experiences with Jealousy

  • Speaker A uses the example of feeling jealousy when someone threatens to take away attention or influence from someone important to them.
  • Jealousy is linked to the fear of losing someone's attention or influence to another person.

On the flip side, if someone comes to talk to Layla, right, it is the fact that they pose the threat of taking attention or her attention that I think should continuously belong to me that I would feel jealous over. I haven't felt jealousy in a long time, but that is an example. It could also be like with your kids. If you have some other adult in their life starts taking their attention or has more influence over them, you are jealous of the influence that that person is threatening your influence.

This quote provides an example of jealousy, where the speaker describes a hypothetical situation of feeling threatened by someone else's potential to divert attention or influence away from them.

The Role of Envy in Success

  • Envy is often perceived negatively, but it can be a catalyst for success.
  • Envy is an adaptive trait stemming from our primitive instincts, shared with animals.
  • It serves as a pro-survival tool by motivating individuals to match or exceed the achievements of others within a group.
  • Acknowledging envy can lead to personal relief and more honest interactions.
  • Admitting envy can reduce defensiveness in conversations and potentially lead to support and assistance.
  • Disguising true feelings often leads to disingenuous interactions that others can sense.

"And when I was talking to Nick Barley about this, I was talking about how I think envy gets a bad rap. And I'm not going to go into the spiritual, religious side of this or even the happiness side of this, because I think envy absolutely does not make you happy, but I do think that envy will make you successful."

This quote introduces the concept that envy, while generally viewed negatively, can be a driving force behind personal success. The speaker chooses not to delve into the spiritual or emotional aspects of envy, focusing instead on its practical effects.

"Envy is adaptive, right? As human beings, this is actually from our old brain, right? So this is, animals have this too. They are envious of one another. And it's because if in a group, one person or one being, one animal, whatever brings more to the table, you are now envious of that person."

Here, the speaker explains the evolutionary basis of envy, suggesting it is an innate quality that humans share with animals. Envy arises when individuals notice others contributing more significantly to the group, which then motivates them to improve their own contributions.

"And what it does is it elevates the rest of the group to go and achieve the same, which is good for the collective, not happier for each of the individuals, but is a pro survival tool, right?"

The speaker highlights the collective benefit of envy, where the desire to match others' achievements leads to overall group improvement, even if it doesn't necessarily increase individual happiness.

"And so for me, understanding this and at least being able to name the emotion rather than saying, I don't like this guy, or I am angry at this person, or having this negative feeling that you cannot put words to, instead being able to say I am envious has been very relieving for me because now I can actually tell those people, hey, I'm envious of you."

Acknowledging and naming the feeling of envy is discussed as a personal coping mechanism. It allows for clearer communication and self-understanding, rather than harboring undefined negative emotions.

"And for some reason I think it just creates another level of candor because it's a certain level of vulnerability and saying you have something that I wish I had. But then you'll notice that the conversation is not defensive on that person's part. Most of the time they're like, well, let me help you."

Admitting envy openly is presented as a way to foster candid and non-defensive conversations. It can lead to vulnerability that invites others to offer help, creating a more supportive interaction.

"And it's only when we guise our intentions or try and feign pretend to be a different way than we are, where people also can sense that you're being disingenuous. Like, great job, man. Right? When realize deep down and they can tell from your subtle tonality changes and the way you look that you're actually not happy for them, right?"

This quote discusses the pitfalls of hiding one's true feelings, which can result in others sensing insincerity. The speaker points out that people can often detect when praise is not genuine, through subtle cues like tone of voice and body language.

The Importance of Authenticity and Word of Mouth in Podcast Growth

  • The growth of the podcast is attributed to word-of-mouth recommendations.
  • The host does not rely on advertisements, sponsorships, or sales for promotion.
  • Listeners are encouraged to share the podcast as a way to contribute to its success.

"The only way this grows is through word of mouth. And so I don't run ads, I don't do sponsorships, I don't sell anything. My only ask is that you continue to pay it forward to whoever showed you or however you found out about this podcast, that you do the exact same thing."

In this quote, the speaker emphasizes the significance of word-of-mouth in expanding the podcast's audience. They explain their approach to growth, which excludes traditional advertising methods, and instead relies on listeners to share the podcast with others.

Judging Motivations and Outcomes

  • The importance of motivations and outcomes in actions, particularly in entrepreneurship.
  • The speaker expresses preference for those who do the right thing for the wrong reasons over those who do the wrong thing for the right reasons.
  • The concept of self-interest driving superior outcomes is discussed through the example of a Navy Seal turned EMT.

"It is my belief that I would rather deal with people who do good things for bad reasons than bad reasons for good things. I'd rather someone who does the right outcome."

This quote emphasizes the speaker's belief that the end result (doing the right thing) is more important than the motivation behind it (whether good or bad). The speaker values the outcome over the intent.

The Navy Seal EMT Example

  • The story of a Navy Seal who became an EMT and was motivated by personal success rather than compassion.
  • The Seal's focus on statistics and being the best resulted in high survival rates for patients.
  • The speaker argues that self-interest can lead to more beneficial outcomes than compassionate motives.

"And he said the Navy Seal was saying, I was not compassionate at all... But what I did care about was my stats... I wanted to have the highest survival rates..."

This quote illustrates the EMT's lack of compassion and his drive to excel in his performance metrics. It underscores the argument that self-interest can lead to better results for others, despite a lack of altruistic motivation.

Emotions in Decision-Making

  • The role of emotions in shaping entrepreneurial behavior and decision-making.
  • The speaker suggests that identifying and understanding one's emotions can lead to better outcomes.
  • The concept of "pro adaptive" emotions is introduced, which are emotions that contribute positively to one's goals.

"And so I think that as humans, as entrepreneurs, we judge ourselves a lot on our motivations and our intentions, but I think that if we can take a step back and name the emotion so that it's not this amorphous thing that we can't understand, but then take the next step and say, is this a pro adaptive emotion?"

This quote encourages the practice of introspection and emotional awareness. By identifying and labeling emotions, individuals can determine whether their feelings are conducive to positive action and make more informed decisions.

Increasing the Gap Between Emotion and Action

  • The speaker advocates for increasing the time between experiencing an emotion and taking action.
  • The belief that a greater time gap leads to better decision quality.
  • The importance of self-regulation in the entrepreneurial process.

"And I think, at least even in naming, that we can increase the time between emotion and action. And the further that time gap is, in general, the better the quality of the decisions."

This quote suggests that by recognizing and naming emotions, individuals can delay their reactions, allowing for more thoughtful and higher-quality decision-making. The speaker highlights the value of emotional regulation in improving the outcomes of one's actions.

Emotional Rationality and Decision Making

  • Recognizing and naming emotions is crucial for making rational decisions.
  • Creating space between emotion and action allows for better decision-making.
  • Analyzing decisions helps determine their potential impact on one's life.
  • Avoiding self-judgment focuses on actions rather than motives.

"But the more we can decrease the triggers, the emotional triggers that cause us to make bad decisions, ultimately the better decisions we make."

This quote emphasizes the importance of managing emotional triggers to improve decision-making quality.

"First, naming the emotions is important. Second, it creates space so we can make better decisions."

The speaker underscores the two-step process of identifying emotions and then using that awareness to enhance the decision-making process.

"Third, we can analyze those decisions and say, is this something that is going to help me in my life? Or is this something that's going to hurt me?"

The quote suggests a method for evaluating decisions based on their potential impact on one's life, which is a key part of making informed choices.

Self-Perception and Emotional Acceptance

  • Self-awareness about one's emotional tendencies, such as envy, can lead to self-improvement.
  • Reframing thoughts about emotions can result in feeling better about oneself.
  • Avoiding self-criticism for having certain desires can be liberating.

"Because candidly, I am a very envious individual, and maybe this is me just rationalizing my own negative emotions, who knows?"

The speaker candidly shares their personal struggle with envy, highlighting the complexity of self-reflection and emotional management.

"But at least for me, saying it that way and framing the thought process in that way has helped me feel better about myself, or really just less bad, if that's probably a better way of saying it and not constantly berating myself for having desires that I think are wrong."

This quote illustrates the speaker's approach to coping with negative emotions by reframing their perspective, which helps reduce self-criticism.

The Validity of Desires

  • Desiring something is a sufficient reason to pursue it, according to Dan Sullivan.
  • Questioning the reasons behind desires may not change them, and acceptance can be freeing.
  • Focusing on desires without harming oneself or others is acceptable.

"He said wanting is reason enough, because so many times we ask, but why do we want that?"

Dan Sullivan's quote is shared to convey the idea that the act of wanting can be a valid reason in itself, without the need for further justification.

"And so letting ourselves desire things and giving ourselves permission to desire things and myself specifically, has been incredibly freeing."

The speaker reflects on how allowing oneself to want things without guilt can lead to a significant release of mental energy and a sense of freedom.

Elimination of Judgment and Focus on Helpfulness

  • Eliminating judgment from the equation can lead to a better understanding of one's emotions and decisions.
  • It's important to ensure that desires and actions are not harmful to oneself or others.

"And what it's done is given me a tremendous amount of my attention back that used to be allocated to analyzing why I'm feeling this way or why this is right or why this is wrong, and instead accepting the fact that I want something and that wanting it is okay."

By accepting their desires, the speaker has regained mental focus that was previously consumed by self-analysis, highlighting the benefits of self-acceptance.

"And so anyways, I hope that makes sense. I hope that provided you some value, or hopefully maybe some clarity around putting words to your own emotions, the decisions that results from them and whether they are positive or negative, and eliminating the judgment from that equation, provided it's something that helps."

The closing statement encapsulates the speaker's intention to provide insight on managing emotions and decisions without self-judgment, with the aim of aiding the listener's personal growth.

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