It’s Okay for Friendships to End Ep 647

Summary Notes


In this episode, the host discusses the personal and relational costs of pursuing ambitious goals, drawing insights from conversations with Dean Graziosi. They explore how success can lead to losing friends who aren't genuinely supportive, particularly when one's achievements surpass theirs. The host reflects on the natural progression of outgrowing relationships, emphasizing the importance of surrounding oneself with people who encourage growth and share similar values. The concept of relationships as an exchange of value is examined, with the host advocating for selective, meaningful connections over numerous transactional ones. Finally, the host encourages listeners to accept the loss of friends as a part of growth and to set high standards for new friendships that genuinely support their journey.

Summary Notes

The Nature of Friendship and Success

  • People often support others until they surpass them in success, then support may wane.
  • Success can lead to the loss of friends who don't genuinely want to see you succeed.
  • Speaker A reflects on the loss of friends from high school and college due to their journey of building a business and personal brand.

"What's interesting is that a lot of people will root for you until you do better than them, and then they stop rooting for you."

This quote highlights the idea that support from friends and peers can be conditional, often changing when one achieves a level of success greater than theirs. It underscores the complex nature of interpersonal relationships in the context of personal growth and success.

Building a Business and Documenting the Journey

  • Speaker A expresses a wish that prominent entrepreneurs like Bezos and Musk had documented their journeys.
  • The speaker is documenting their own journey with, aiming to build a billion-dollar business.

"I always wish Bezos, Musk, and Buffett had documented their journey. So I'm doing it for the rest of us."

The quote indicates the speaker's desire to provide a documented roadmap for others by sharing their own experiences in business, filling a gap they believe exists due to the lack of such documentation from other major entrepreneurs.

Network and Net Worth

  • The common saying "your network is your net worth" is discussed, questioning its validity.
  • Speaker A argues that the saying doesn't hold true for billionaires like Gates and Bezos, whose net worth exceeds that of their associates.
  • The phrase is considered "spiritually correct" but lacking in evidence.

"A lot of people have heard the term your network is your net worth. And to a degree, that's true. To the other degree, that's the average of the five people you spend the most time with."

This quote explores the concept that one's network can influence their net worth, but it also challenges the saying by pointing out exceptions among the ultra-wealthy. It suggests that while the saying has some merit, it is not universally applicable.

The Cost of Dreams and Fame

  • Speaker A discusses the cost of pursuing dreams and achieving fame with Dean Graziosi.
  • Dean Graziosi acknowledges the negative aspects of fame but accepts them as the price for making an impact.
  • The conversation inspires Speaker A to consider the personal cost of spreading their message despite potential negative consequences.

"And he said, yeah, I've got people who show up at my house and people who leave weird, mean comments, and he's like, all the time. And the thing is that that is a price I'm willing to pay to make the impact that I want to make with my life."

This quote from Dean Graziosi reveals his acceptance of the downsides of fame as a necessary trade-off for the ability to influence and make a significant impact. It reflects the reality that public figures often face unwanted attention and criticism as part of their public life.

Changing Friendships Over Time

  • Speaker A has gradually lost touch with friends from earlier life stages.
  • They discuss with Dean Graziosi the idea that people often don't support others' success.
  • The speaker mentions a personal quote about the nature of real versus fake friends.

"In the last year, I would say that I fell out of touch with the last two friends that I had from high school and or college."

This quote conveys Speaker A's experience of drifting away from long-term friendships, which is a common occurrence as individuals' paths diverge over time, especially when one's success changes the dynamics of those relationships.

"And I had a quote that went pretty viral on Twitter, which was real friends talk shit to your face and praise you behind your back, and fake friends do the opposite."

Speaker A's quote emphasizes the difference between genuine and insincere friends, suggesting that true friends are candid and supportive in private, while those who are not truly supportive often behave in the opposite manner. It highlights the importance of authenticity in friendships.

Developing Personal Relationships

  • Personal relationships are often categorized by their duration and impact: seasonal, for a reason, or for a lifetime.
  • Support systems can vary, with some individuals not receiving support from their parents or friends until success is evident.
  • Relationships evolve as individuals move closer to their goals and visions, which can create contrast with people from their past.
  • The speaker has developed rules of thumb for maintaining relationships, focusing on growth and future-oriented conversations.
  • Relationships based solely on past interactions tend to decline due to a lack of growth and new shared experiences.
  • The speaker experiences guilt over both losing relationships and the effort to maintain them without mutual benefit.

"And so we have these people that we collect throughout our lives, and sometimes that come in, you probably heard the saying, they're here for a season, a reason, or a lifetime."

This quote highlights the transient nature of relationships and the different roles people may play in one's life, emphasizing that not all relationships are meant to last indefinitely.

"But as we ascend towards our goals, and I don't say ascend in a literal sense in terms of socioeconomic status or whatever, but just like we move closer towards where we want to go and our vision and our mission in our lives become clear, it also becomes clear when you have contrast with people from your past."

This quote discusses the natural progression of personal growth and how it can lead to a divergence from past relationships as individuals' paths and goals become more defined.

"One of them is if I could only talk about the past with someone, they usually aren't good friends of mine because I don't really live in the past, I live in the future."

The speaker emphasizes the importance of forward-thinking and present engagement in relationships, suggesting that dwelling on past experiences can hinder the development of a dynamic and growing friendship.

"I have felt a tremendous amount of guilt around the loss of those relationships. But I also felt a guilt of carrying them on, as in I felt like I needed to water these plants out of necessity rather than out of some sort of exchange."

This quote reflects the internal conflict experienced when deciding whether to maintain relationships that may no longer be mutually beneficial or fulfilling, highlighting the emotional toll of such decisions.

The Concept of Exchange in Relationships

  • The speaker believes relationships are maintained through an exchange of value between individuals.
  • The depth of a relationship can be measured by the willingness to wait for a reciprocal exchange of value.
  • Parent-child relationships are used as an example of long-term exchange expectations.
  • The speaker compares relationship dynamics to intermittent reinforcement and addiction, where the frequency of positive exchanges can vary.

"Now, some people might decry that or speak against the idea of having an exchange, but I don't think that's realistic. I think that people stay in relationships because there is an exchange of value that occurs."

This quote introduces the pragmatic view that relationships are sustained by a mutual exchange of value, countering the notion that relationships should be maintained without any expectation of reciprocity.

"The difference is the strength or depth of the relationship is how long you are willing to wait for the exchange to occur."

The speaker indicates that the strength of a relationship is correlated with the patience one has for the reciprocal value to manifest, suggesting that stronger relationships endure longer periods without immediate exchanges.

"It's intermittent reinforcement from a behavior standpoint, right? Like we are literally reinforced in this relationship. And the way that addiction works is the same thing, right? Like you immediately get positive hits, and then you can start extending how long before you get another positive hit, which is also how abusive relationships work, right?"

By comparing relationships to behavioral reinforcement and addiction, the speaker highlights how the anticipation and receipt of positive experiences can sustain relationships, even when those experiences become less frequent. This comparison also touches on the darker side of such dynamics, as seen in abusive relationships.

Human Behavior and Relationships

  • Humans tend to respond to patterns of negative and positive reinforcement.
  • The pattern of alternating between positive and negative experiences can be seen in abusive relationships.
  • This dynamic is not exclusive to romantic relationships but can also apply to friendships and other human interactions.

"Like abuse. Positive. Abuse. Positive, positive, positive. And then abuse and then positive is a little bit later, and then a little bit later until the point where there's almost no positive whatsoever."

The quote illustrates a pattern often found in abusive relationships where positive reinforcement gradually diminishes over time, leaving predominantly negative experiences.

Personal Growth and Social Networks

  • Personal growth can lead to the loss of friendships that were present at the beginning of one's journey.
  • The departure of old friends creates space for new people to enter one's life, though it may not happen immediately.
  • Being comfortable with solitude can lead to more selective and meaningful relationships.

"And so the point of me breaking this down is that I have lost a lot of the friends, or almost all of the friends that I had when I started my journey."

The speaker is reflecting on the personal change that resulted in the loss of many friendships from the beginning of their growth journey.

The Importance of Being Comfortable Alone

  • Constantly surrounding oneself with people can be detrimental.
  • Spending time alone can improve self-awareness and selectivity in relationships.
  • Similar to dating, it's beneficial to wait for the right people rather than rushing into relationships out of fear of being alone.

"And I think getting comfortable with having space is a good thing. And a lot of people have the impulse or urge to always have people around them."

This quote emphasizes the value of being comfortable alone and not feeling the need to always be surrounded by others.

Quality Over Quantity in Relationships

  • Having a few close friends can be more fulfilling than many transactional acquaintances.
  • Friendships lost during personal growth should not be lamented but seen as a sign of development.
  • It's natural to drift apart from people who do not grow or change in alignment with oneself.

"My cup is very full. But I think where I feel drained is where I feel like I have lots and lots and lots of acquaintances that are transactional in nature."

The speaker expresses satisfaction with having a few good friends and finds numerous transactional relationships to be draining.

Growth, Change, and Relationships

  • Growth inevitably leads to change, which can be uncomfortable for those who do not grow or change themselves.
  • Relationships may end when values diverge too significantly, and that is a natural part of life.
  • It's essential to acknowledge and accept the emotional challenges that come with this aspect of personal development.

"If you grow, you change. Some people, most people don't like change, especially if they themselves have not grown or changed and or if they have grown in a different direction from you."

This quote discusses the inevitability of change with personal growth and the discomfort it may cause in others who have not grown or have grown differently.

Sacrifice and Fulfillment

  • Pursuing one's potential may require sacrificing relationships that hinder personal dreams.
  • Sacrificing old relationships does not mean sacrificing all relationships but rather making room for new, more aligned connections.
  • The speaker believes the emotional and relational costs are worth the fulfillment of realizing their potential.

"I would be far more sad that I had not realized my potential or what I hope to accomplish in my life in exchange for relationships that I sacrificed my dreams in order to maintain."

The speaker values personal fulfillment and potential over maintaining relationships that could impede their growth, indicating a willingness to make difficult sacrifices for their goals.

Friendship and Growth

  • Personal growth can lead to changes in friendships.
  • Friends who grow with you and push you to grow are more likely to remain long-term friends.
  • True friends support you even when you're not present (root for you behind your back).
  • People may feel envious or uncomfortable with your growth if they haven't progressed similarly.
  • It's important to have friends who challenge you and raise your standards.
  • Friendships should be mutually beneficial, with both parties learning and improving from each other.
  • The speaker's view on friendship is dynamic and continues to evolve.

"And unless the friends you have are growing with you and are pushing you to grow, then they are probably not friends who will stay with you for the long haul."

This quote emphasizes the importance of having friends who are not only growing themselves but are also actively encouraging your growth. It implies that friendships based on mutual development are more sustainable in the long run.

"I want friends who root for me behind my back. And that is rare."

The speaker values genuine support from friends, highlighting that it's uncommon to find people who will support you even when you're not around.

"The discrepancy between where you are and where they are over time, they personalize the fact that they are not with you because they had the same resources at the same beginning, and so you're in a different place as a result of your own decisions."

This quote addresses the issue of friends feeling left behind when one person advances in life. It suggests that friends may take another's success personally if they started from a similar place but did not achieve the same level of success.

"I hope to admire them. I want to strive to be more like my friends in certain ways, and I hope that they raise the bar for me to be better and be better in the ways that I want to be better."

The speaker expresses a desire for reciprocal inspiration within friendships, where each friend aspires to improve themselves by learning from the other.

Seasons of Loneliness and Standards in Friendship

  • It's natural to feel alone when friends are lost or when there's a lack of support.
  • There are seasons in life that lead to changes in one's social circle.
  • It's better to have higher standards for friendships than to settle for less fulfilling ones.
  • True friends are not just placeholders; they genuinely support and uplift you.
  • It's acceptable to lose friends if the relationship no longer aligns with personal growth.
  • Giving oneself permission to move on from friendships is part of personal development.

"And I think that there are seasons, and at the end of a season, when you have a vacuum, someone does step in to fill it."

The speaker suggests that life has different phases, and as one phase ends, new people will come into your life to fill the void left by others.

"You will end up with better friends who actually root for you and are not just place fillers or false friends who smile to your face, but stab you behind your back or actually talk down on you."

This quote implies that by maintaining high standards and being patient, one can cultivate friendships with people who genuinely care and provide positive support, as opposed to maintaining superficial relationships.

"I lost a friend, and that's okay, and I still love them as a human, even if I can't give the time that I once did, because it doesn't make sense for me anymore because we've grown apart, and that's okay."

The speaker acknowledges the difficulty of losing friends but also accepts it as a natural part of life and personal growth. It's a message of self-compassion and understanding toward both oneself and the friends who have drifted away.

Personal Growth and Life's Journey

  • Personal growth is a journey that involves overcoming challenges.
  • The process of becoming a better person is the real success.
  • Embracing the journey and its difficulties is essential to personal development.
  • The speaker encourages embracing the difficulties and the growth that comes with them.

"The road can be arduous, but I think the road itself is the reason we do it, because of the person that we hope to become, then the process of becoming, which is the success as I've defined it is the process of becoming and the process us of striving is the success."

The speaker defines success not as an endpoint but as the ongoing process of growth and self-improvement. The quote conveys that the challenges faced on the journey are worthwhile because of the personal transformation they facilitate.

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