How can I fix my partner?

In this episode of "Real Talk with Daada," AD Dula Emmanuel discusses the complexities of relationships where one partner attempts to "fix" the other, emphasizing that this approach often leads to resistance, disappointment, and emotional strain. Emmanuel distinguishes between healthy support, which involves aiding a partner's growth without imposing change, and the detrimental act of trying to alter a partner's core personality or behaviors. He advises setting healthy boundaries, recognizing when resistance occurs, and understanding that some issues are beyond one's ability to fix, advocating for either supportive partnership or walking away from unhealthy dynamics.

• Definition of Fixing: One partner feels the need to change the other’s core personality, habits, values, or behaviors.
• Commonality: Many people find themselves in relationships where they feel compelled to fix their partner.
• Consequences: Attempting to fix someone can lead to resistance, disappointment, and psychological effects on the fixer.

"This is where one partner feels the need to change the other."

• This quote highlights the central issue of one partner wanting to change the other rather than accepting them as they are.

"You're trying to make a better version of someone right and this often sometimes leads to different things either from you it could lead to resistance it could lead to you being disappointed."

• The act of trying to create a better version of someone can lead to negative outcomes such as resistance and disappointment.

• Definition of Support: Providing emotional support and helping with goals without imposing changes on the partner.
• Healthy Aspect: Supporting a partner in a way that is non-imposing and respects their individuality.

"Supporting in the actual way is a healthy way right that's the healthy aspect of you supporting your partner and this kind of thing is maybe you're supporting the goals you're supporting the emotional support you know and you're not sounding imposing."

• True support involves helping with goals and providing emotional backing without trying to change the partner.

"Supporting the goals you're supporting the emotional support you know and you're not sounding imposing right."

• Support should be about aiding in achieving goals and offering emotional support without being controlling or imposing.

• Psychological Impact: The effort to fix someone can have an emotional toll on the person attempting to make the changes.
• Unhealthy Dynamics: Fixing someone can create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship where one person feels superior or more knowledgeable.

"This actually has an emotional toll on a person."

• Attempting to fix someone can lead to emotional strain on the person trying to make the changes.

"You're trying to change this person's core personality you're trying to change this person's habit you want to change the person's value you know you want to change a person's behavior just because you think you can take the role of a fixer."

• The desire to change fundamental aspects of a partner can lead to significant emotional and psychological stress.

• Key Distinction: The main difference between fixing and supporting lies in the intent and approach; fixing is about changing the person, while supporting is about helping them grow without imposing changes.
• Healthy Relationships: Emphasize support over fixing to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship dynamic.

"There are two things this thing does when you're trying to fix someone you're either trying to say okay I'm trying to support the person which is now not fixing but or I'm fixing the person."

• The distinction between fixing and supporting is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship dynamic.

"Fixing however is the contract where you have the idea of okay you're trying to change this person's core personality you're trying to change this person's habit you want to change the person's value you know you want to change a person's behavior."

• Fixing involves a desire to change fundamental aspects of a partner, which can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics.

• Attempting to fix someone in a relationship often leads to disappointment, burnout, and emotional strain for the person trying to fix the other.
• The person being "fixed" typically resists these efforts, feeling unappreciated and potentially leading to a strained relationship.
• This dynamic can negatively impact the self-esteem and identity of the person being fixed, making them feel inadequate and unloved unless they meet certain conditions.
• Resentment and relationship strain are common outcomes when one partner tries to fix the other.
• Acceptance is crucial in relationships; partners must understand that supporting each other is not the same as trying to fix each other.
• Setting healthy boundaries involves clear communication about mutual support and ensuring that efforts to help are collaborative rather than controlling.

"Anybody trying to do that because it's an unrealistic expectation this is where you get disappointment this is where you're burnt out and then you you have an emotional strain on you because really you're trying to do something and then the person would definitely resist it it would resist it it's just normal right when you're trying to fix somebody."

• Attempting to fix someone sets unrealistic expectations, leading to disappointment and emotional strain for the fixer.

"Now we're not saying supporting we're saying fixing the person and when you're trying to do this I mean the person becomes resistant right because he doesn't want it it feels unappreciated then you the fixer now starts getting burned out we now start having emotional restrain which is also not a good thing."

• Fixing someone is different from supporting them; the person being fixed often feels unappreciated and resists, causing burnout and emotional strain for the fixer.

"The impact on that person that you're fixing now has lot of self-esteem and then identity because when you're doing this you're making the person think the person is not good enough you're making the person feel like okay I do not truly love you unless you do certain things and this is where resentment and relationship strain comes in."

• Fixing someone can harm their self-esteem and identity, making them feel inadequate and unloved, leading to resentment and relationship strain.

"There are certain input there are certain things that you have to learn when you're trying to you know balance this thing out you have to learn that there is the importance of acceptance this person must be able to accept that she's not trying to fix me or he's not trying to fix me as it way but she's trying to support me and make me a better person."

• Acceptance is key; partners should recognize that support is about helping each other grow, not fixing each other.

"When you're doing this fixing to you need to set healthy boundaries healthy boundaries by explaining to the person you're trying to support that we're doing this together I'm not trying to change your lifestyle I'm not trying to change your ways I'm not trying to change you know I'm no."

• Setting healthy boundaries involves clear communication and ensuring that efforts to help are collaborative, not about changing the other person.

• Emphasizes that trying to change someone else is often futile and can lead to unhealthy relationships.
• Suggests that people have deep-seated issues that predate the relationship and are not easily altered.
• Highlights the importance of recognizing when someone is resistant to change and how it impacts the relationship dynamics.

"I just wanted to be a better person because when you do this and it brings out fruit, I mean it turns out okay then the better for you but if you're doing this and then you're facing resistance all the time then you have to walk away because then the relationship becomes unhealthy."

• Trying to change someone can lead to resistance and an unhealthy relationship.

"There are some people that actually have some issues that are deeper than you. They've had this issue before they met you and they're not ready to change these things."

• Some issues are deeply ingrained and predate the relationship, making them difficult to change.

• Differentiates between supporting someone and trying to fix them.
• Asserts that fixing someone is not the right approach; instead, understanding and support are crucial.
• Warns that taking on the role of a fixer can be detrimental to both parties involved.

"You cannot be the fixer. One party has to be willing to be supported and if that party doesn't want to be supported then you cannot take the place of being a fixer."

• Fixing someone is not a viable solution; support is only effective if the other person is willing.

"Fixing is really not the right way to do it. You either support the person or you get to understand that these things are unhealthy."

• Fixing is not the correct approach; understanding and recognizing unhealthy behaviors are essential.

• Stresses the importance of identifying personal deal breakers in a relationship.
• Advises walking away when faced with persistent resistance to change, especially regarding deal breakers.
• Uses the example of habitual lying to illustrate a common deal breaker that should not be tolerated.

"The key takeaways today are that you can't fix anybody. Number two is when you meet resistance and especially when you know that these things you're trying to talk about are not receiving the attention or are coming with resistance, and if these things are your own deal breaker, you need to walk away."

• Identifying and respecting personal deal breakers is crucial; persistent resistance to change necessitates walking away.

"Only you know your deal breaker. For example, someone that lies all the time to you, calls black white all the time, and you keep telling this person that you don't like it when they lie."

• Personal deal breakers, such as habitual lying, must be acknowledged and acted upon if not addressed.

• Setting boundaries is crucial to avoid burnout in relationships.
• Constant insults or demeaning behavior from a partner can lead to emotional exhaustion.
• It's important to distinguish between supporting a partner and trying to fix them.

"Take for example someone that is always ready to insult you in front of people, always ready to insult you in front of his friends or our friends."

• Example of a toxic behavior that necessitates setting boundaries.

"Why would you want to stay in an unhealthy relationship because at the end of the day it makes you burnt out?"

• Staying in an unhealthy relationship can lead to emotional burnout.

• You cannot take on the role of a fixer in a relationship; focus on supporting the good aspects.
• Enabling bad behavior can have a negative impact on your own well-being.
• Support should aim at mutual growth rather than changing the partner to suit personal needs.

"You cannot take the place of a fixer. You either support the good things and make sure you support the good things, but you cannot afford to enable the bad ones."

• Emphasizes the importance of supporting positive traits and not enabling negative behavior.

"There is a thin line between support and fixing."

• Highlights the nuanced difference between supporting a partner and trying to fix them.

• The goal of support is to guide the partner towards a healthier relationship.
• It should be a mutual effort without resistance from either party.
• If a partner is not receptive to advice or change, it may be better to walk away.

"As you're supporting your partner, you're not trying to change them to suit you, but you're trying to make them a better person and guiding them towards having a healthier relationship together."

• Support should aim at mutual improvement and healthier relationship dynamics.

"You cannot fix someone that is broken. You can fix someone that is not ready to take your advice; you need to walk away because at the end of the day you are better for it."

• If a partner is unwilling to accept support or change, it’s healthier to leave the relationship for your own well-being.

• Encourages listeners to reflect on their roles in their relationships.
• Invites questions and engagement for further discussion.
• Reminds listeners to subscribe and stay engaged with the content.

"I encourage you today to consider what you're trying to fix in your partners."

• Encourages self-reflection on the listener’s approach in their relationships.

"Throw your questions if there's anything you want to ask, just talk about it."

• Invites audience interaction and engagement for a deeper understanding.

"Always ensure that you subscribe."

• Reminds listeners to subscribe for continued engagement and updates.