In this engaging conversation, Neil Strauss, the author of "The Game" and "The Truth," delves into the complexities of relationships, fidelity, and personal growth. Strauss reflects on his journey from being a pickup artist to confronting his own issues with commitment and infidelity, influenced by his challenging relationship with his mother and a revelation in sex addiction rehab. He emphasizes the importance of humility, deep emotional work, and ongoing maintenance in healing and personal development. Strauss also touches on his approach to parenting, the impact of technology on connection, and the cultural shift towards redefining relationships. Additionally, he shares insights from his experiences working with figures like Rick Rubin and Kevin Hart, highlighting the value of non-resistance and focusing on the creative process. Throughout the discussion, Strauss advocates for a holistic approach to self-improvement and the pursuit of authenticity over societal expectations.
"After about seven years, that said, I realized that all relationship issues are historical."
This quote emphasizes that relationship problems, including infidelity, often have historical roots tied to an individual's past experiences.
"Went to a sex addiction rehab, and then therapist said, the reason you've never been in a healthy relationship, it's because your mother wants to be in a relationship with you."
Neil reflects on the therapist's insight that his unhealthy relationships were influenced by his mother's behavior, which affected his ability to commit.
"We call that emotional incest."
The term "emotional incest" is used to describe the inappropriate emotional reliance of a parent on their child, which can have detrimental effects on the child's future relationships.
"As soon as you're in a relationship, you want to escape."
This quote explains the desire to escape from relationships as a result of feeling trapped, which is a common consequence of growing up in an enmeshed family dynamic.
"These little things program us."
Neil acknowledges that childhood experiences program our behaviors and responses, necessitating a conscious effort to reprogram ourselves as adults.
"The first step to heal is humility."
The quote highlights that admitting a lack of knowledge and seeking help is crucial to the healing process.
"You're going to attract someone who's at your level of growth and self-esteem."
This quote suggests that personal development is key to attracting a compatible partner.
"I did an experiment once."
Neil alludes to a personal experiment, indicating his openness to exploring different aspects of sexuality and behavior.
"The majority of people that watch this podcast haven't yet hit the follow button or the subscribe button."
This quote is a call to action for listeners to support the podcast by subscribing, which will help expand the show's reach and quality.
"Your book, the truth, gave me an olive branch that maybe I was wrong."
This quote reflects the impact of Neil's book on a reader's perception of relationships, offering new insights and mental models for understanding commitment.
"I was dating someone who I thought, oh, this is more serious relationship. Maybe this could go the long way. And then I cheated on them."
Neil openly shares his personal experience with infidelity and the subsequent realization that led to his journey of self-improvement.
"Group therapy, I think, and a lot of research backs this up, actually, but research can back anything up, is that it works better than one on one therapy."
Neil endorses group therapy as a more effective form of therapy due to peer input and collective wisdom.
"Reparenting is like talking to your inner child or talking to yourself."
The quote describes the technique of reparenting, which involves addressing and comforting one's inner child to overcome past traumas and unhealthy reactions.
"So once you've done that deep, intensive workshop and recognize, oh, shoot, I react like this because I'm getting flashbacks to being suffocated by my mom or my dad."
This quote highlights the importance of recognizing the root causes of one's reactions, which can stem from past traumas.
"Then now you're conscious about what's happening, and then as you consistently use the tools, you get to intervene quickly."
The quote emphasizes the value of awareness and the use of tools to intervene in one's habitual responses.
"I did an experiment once because there were a lot of people who, Billy Corgan from the smashing pumpkins for like, doesn't let his band have an orgasm the day of a show or something like that."
Neil Strauss recounts an experiment with abstinence based on the practices of others, suggesting a possible link between orgasm and creativity.
"I just felt horrible and I was attracted to everything."
The quote reflects Neil Strauss's personal experience with the experiment, which resulted in heightened attraction to everything, indicating it may not be beneficial for everyone.
"I don't think it helps."
Neil Strauss succinctly expresses his view that pornography is not beneficial.
"Trying to do things that are constructive feels right."
This quote suggests that evaluating the constructive or destructive nature of actions, like consuming pornography, is a better approach than labeling them as inherently good or bad.
"She thinks it's natural to... be wired for seven years for serial monogamy with clandestine adultery."
Neil Strauss references Helen Fisher's evolutionary argument, suggesting a natural inclination towards serial monogamy interspersed with occasional infidelity.
"I don't believe evolution is destiny."
The quote expresses Neil Strauss's belief that evolutionary tendencies do not determine our actions, highlighting the role of choice in human behavior.
"Some people call it consensual non monogamy or ethical non monogamy. But that's basically you're not monogamous with your relationship partner, but your ethical."
Neil Strauss defines ethical non-monogamy, emphasizing the importance of honesty and consent in such relationships.
"Your partner has to have an abundance of you before they can sort of be with other people."
The quote suggests that ensuring a partner's emotional and physical needs are met is crucial before exploring non-monogamous arrangements.
"Why is it when we're more connected than ever, that we feel more disconnected?"
Neil Strauss questions the paradoxical relationship between technological connectivity and social disconnection.
"There's so much abundance that they can just go back to the dating pool instead of working it through or riding it out."
This quote reflects on the impact of dating apps on people's willingness to work through relationship challenges, highlighting a culture of abundance and choice.
"Our biggest fear as a child is abandonment, because what happens if our parents out there, we don't get milk or water or food and we die?"
Neil Strauss discusses the deep-rooted fear of abandonment and its implications for adult relationships.
"So there's this new generation of men and women that are struggling now to find that love."
The quote acknowledges the challenges faced by contemporary generations in finding love and forming lasting relationships in the context of societal and technological changes.
"The number of men who have had sex by the age of 20 has decreased by 20% since 1990." "In 1970, only 13% of women over 30 were unmarried. Today, that number is nearly 50%."
These quotes highlight societal shifts in relationship timelines and marital status, suggesting a broader transformation in personal relationships and social behavior.
"If you really dig deep, you'll find that probably 50% of statistics are made up."
This quote underscores the idea that many statistics presented in media and literature may not be reliable, highlighting the necessity of critical evaluation of such data.
"Our culture is your teeth better look great? Got to make sure everything physically is fine. But no concern for mental health, no teaching of mental health."
This quote reflects the societal prioritization of physical appearance and health over mental health, pointing to a need for cultural change.
"The city is the first place where we had to meet a stranger that's not an enemy, and we're still not used to that."
This quote captures the evolutionary and historical challenge of adapting to urban environments where social interactions with strangers are common, impacting modern dating practices.
"You can either live out of your unhealed wounds or you can sort of heal your wound and see, what else am I here to heal?"
This quote emphasizes the choice between pursuing superficial validation and engaging in self-improvement and healing for a more fulfilling life.
"All relationship issues are historical. It's not about them. It's about something that happened with mom or dad."
This quote suggests that relationship problems often stem from unresolved childhood issues, highlighting the need for personal introspection and healing.
"Checking your partner's mobile phone behind their back is a form of cheating."
This quote challenges the notion of privacy in relationships, equating the invasion of a partner's personal space to an act of betrayal.
"He just does it, rolls through it and moves on."
This quote about Kevin Hart's approach to obstacles illustrates the effectiveness of tackling problems head-on without dwelling on them.
"Don't brand yourself, like, let the world try to brand you while you keep moving forward."
This quote encapsulates Neil Strauss's philosophy of avoiding restrictive labels and continuously pursuing growth and new opportunities.
"Because we grow and we evolve, and if you label yourself as something, well, man, it's hard to move on."
This quote emphasizes the challenge of evolving when one has strongly identified with a particular label or role.
"And my thought was, if I thought was, okay, I have to do something else that strikes people so powerfully, become the whatever guy it was to like, okay, what can I do?"
This quote reflects Neil's internal struggle with the expectation to outdo his past success and redefine his identity to the public.
"To me, I was really writing about male insecurity. It isn't a book about, like, you were saying you were lonely, you felt disconnected, you didn't know how to connect."
This quote clarifies the author's intent behind "The Game," highlighting the underlying theme of addressing male insecurity.
"But I also think there's no shortcuts to this stuff. Like, again, blessings to everyone who does plant medicine, and I'm not against plant medicine in any way, but I think... It was like the many year journey per. The many year journey we went on to figure this stuff out is where we got there."
This quote highlights the belief that there are no quick fixes to personal growth and self-esteem; it is a long-term journey.
"I guess I would like it like, oh, that's a new Neil Strauss thing. I can't wait to read it or listen to it or watch. Just, I just want to be known as, like, oh, if he does something, it's worth noticing or reading or paying attention to."
This quote reflects Neil's aspiration to be recognized for the consistent quality and impact of his work rather than personal celebrity.
"I felt that existential uncertainty and the way I did that was doing the things that would allow me to feel safe and give me peace of mind."
This quote explains Neil's response to uncertainty, which involves taking constructive actions to mitigate feelings of insecurity.
"Yeah, I talk. I sometimes hear from mystery who's out there doing his thing, doing workshops in Europe right now, I think."
This quote provides insight into the continued activities of individuals featured in "The Game" and their adherence to the identity formed by their past.
"After years and years and years and years of work and literally, I remember being in the boardroom about two to three years ago at Huel when they were working on this product."
This quote is an endorsement of Huell's product development process and the host's personal connection to the company.