Former No.1 PickUp Artist “We’re Wired to Cheat After 7 Years”, “I Was In A Relationship With My Mum”, The True Danger Of Porn Neil Strauss

In this engaging conversation, Neil Strauss, the author of "The Game" and "The Truth," delves into the complexities of relationships, fidelity, and personal growth. Strauss reflects on his journey from being a pickup artist to confronting his own issues with commitment and infidelity, influenced by his challenging relationship with his mother and a revelation in sex addiction rehab. He emphasizes the importance of humility, deep emotional work, and ongoing maintenance in healing and personal development. Strauss also touches on his approach to parenting, the impact of technology on connection, and the cultural shift towards redefining relationships. Additionally, he shares insights from his experiences working with figures like Rick Rubin and Kevin Hart, highlighting the value of non-resistance and focusing on the creative process. Throughout the discussion, Strauss advocates for a holistic approach to self-improvement and the pursuit of authenticity over societal expectations.

• Neil Strauss, a former pickup artist and best-selling author, discusses cheating and monogamy.
• He suggests that cheating can be linked to evolutionary psychology.
• Relationship issues are often rooted in personal history.
• Neil shares his own experience with cheating and its consequences.
• He went to sex addiction rehab and learned about the underlying causes of his behavior.

"After about seven years, that said, I realized that all relationship issues are historical."

This quote emphasizes that relationship problems, including infidelity, often have historical roots tied to an individual's past experiences.

"Went to a sex addiction rehab, and then therapist said, the reason you've never been in a healthy relationship, it's because your mother wants to be in a relationship with you."

Neil reflects on the therapist's insight that his unhealthy relationships were influenced by his mother's behavior, which affected his ability to commit.

• Emotional incest is described as a parent using a child to fulfill their own emotional needs.
• This dynamic can lead to feeling trapped in relationships later in life.
• Neil shares personal anecdotes to illustrate how his mother's behavior affected his adult relationships.
• He explains the different types of parenting: functional, abandonment, and enmeshment.

"We call that emotional incest."

The term "emotional incest" is used to describe the inappropriate emotional reliance of a parent on their child, which can have detrimental effects on the child's future relationships.

"As soon as you're in a relationship, you want to escape."

This quote explains the desire to escape from relationships as a result of feeling trapped, which is a common consequence of growing up in an enmeshed family dynamic.

• Neil discusses the process of recognizing and disengaging from unhealthy patterns learned in childhood.
• He emphasizes the importance of humility and surrendering to expert advice.
• The healing process involves intensive workshops, ongoing therapy, and practical tools.

"These little things program us."

Neil acknowledges that childhood experiences program our behaviors and responses, necessitating a conscious effort to reprogram ourselves as adults.

"The first step to heal is humility."

The quote highlights that admitting a lack of knowledge and seeking help is crucial to the healing process.

• Neil advises that people attract partners who match their level of growth and self-esteem.
• He recommends that individuals focus on becoming the person they want to attract.

"You're going to attract someone who's at your level of growth and self-esteem."

This quote suggests that personal development is key to attracting a compatible partner.

• Neil briefly mentions conducting a personal experiment related to masturbation, though he does not elaborate.

"I did an experiment once."

Neil alludes to a personal experiment, indicating his openness to exploring different aspects of sexuality and behavior.

• The hosts discuss the importance of subscribing to podcasts.
• They explain how subscriptions help to grow the show and improve production quality.
• They ask listeners to hit the subscribe button to support the podcast.

"The majority of people that watch this podcast haven't yet hit the follow button or the subscribe button."

This quote is a call to action for listeners to support the podcast by subscribing, which will help expand the show's reach and quality.

• Neil's books have influenced listeners' understanding of human psychology and relationships.
• His second book, "The Truth," helped one listener reframe his perspective on relationships and commitment.

"Your book, the truth, gave me an olive branch that maybe I was wrong."

This quote reflects the impact of Neil's book on a reader's perception of relationships, offering new insights and mental models for understanding commitment.

• Neil shares his backstory leading up to writing "The Truth."
• He talks about his struggles with relationships and how hitting rock bottom led to self-awareness.
• His experience with cheating and getting caught prompted him to seek change.

"I was dating someone who I thought, oh, this is more serious relationship. Maybe this could go the long way. And then I cheated on them."

Neil openly shares his personal experience with infidelity and the subsequent realization that led to his journey of self-improvement.

• Neil advocates for group therapy as a means of maintaining progress after intensive workshops.
• He explains the concept of reparenting as a tool for dealing with triggers and emotional responses.
• Group therapy provides peer support and helps correct wrong thinking patterns.

"Group therapy, I think, and a lot of research backs this up, actually, but research can back anything up, is that it works better than one on one therapy."

Neil endorses group therapy as a more effective form of therapy due to peer input and collective wisdom.

"Reparenting is like talking to your inner child or talking to yourself."

The quote describes the technique of reparenting, which involves addressing and comforting one's inner child to overcome past traumas and unhealthy reactions.

• Understanding personal reactions tied to past experiences is crucial for self-improvement.
• Intervening quickly when recognizing old behaviors or triggers can prevent unwanted reactions.
• Physical signs like a racing heart or tension can signal the onset of emotional distress.
• Taking a moment to step back and regroup can help maintain a non-reactive state.

"So once you've done that deep, intensive workshop and recognize, oh, shoot, I react like this because I'm getting flashbacks to being suffocated by my mom or my dad."

This quote highlights the importance of recognizing the root causes of one's reactions, which can stem from past traumas.

"Then now you're conscious about what's happening, and then as you consistently use the tools, you get to intervene quickly."

The quote emphasizes the value of awareness and the use of tools to intervene in one's habitual responses.

• Experimentation with abstaining from orgasm to potentially enhance creativity and productivity.
• Importance of ensuring that masturbation is not compulsive and does not negatively impact relationships or sexuality.
• The concept of using masturbation as a form of self-improvement and training.

"I did an experiment once because there were a lot of people who, Billy Corgan from the smashing pumpkins for like, doesn't let his band have an orgasm the day of a show or something like that."

Neil Strauss recounts an experiment with abstinence based on the practices of others, suggesting a possible link between orgasm and creativity.

"I just felt horrible and I was attracted to everything."

The quote reflects Neil Strauss's personal experience with the experiment, which resulted in heightened attraction to everything, indicating it may not be beneficial for everyone.

• Pornography's potential for both constructive and destructive effects on individuals and relationships.
• The importance of assessing whether the use of pornography is healthy or unhealthy in one's own life.
• The distinction between fidelity and honesty in relationships.

"I don't think it helps."

Neil Strauss succinctly expresses his view that pornography is not beneficial.

"Trying to do things that are constructive feels right."

This quote suggests that evaluating the constructive or destructive nature of actions, like consuming pornography, is a better approach than labeling them as inherently good or bad.

• Evolutionary perspectives on monogamy and fidelity, including serial monogamy and clandestine adultery.
• The distinction between evolutionary impulses and the ability to make conscious choices due to our prefrontal cortex.
• Redefining relationships as an ongoing dialogue between partners.

"She thinks it's natural to... be wired for seven years for serial monogamy with clandestine adultery."

Neil Strauss references Helen Fisher's evolutionary argument, suggesting a natural inclination towards serial monogamy interspersed with occasional infidelity.

"I don't believe evolution is destiny."

The quote expresses Neil Strauss's belief that evolutionary tendencies do not determine our actions, highlighting the role of choice in human behavior.

• Ethical non-monogamy as a transparent and consensual alternative to traditional monogamy.
• The importance of ensuring that both partners are fulfilled and in agreement with the relationship structure.
• The concept of "intention" being more significant than strict "rules" in relationships.

"Some people call it consensual non monogamy or ethical non monogamy. But that's basically you're not monogamous with your relationship partner, but your ethical."

Neil Strauss defines ethical non-monogamy, emphasizing the importance of honesty and consent in such relationships.

"Your partner has to have an abundance of you before they can sort of be with other people."

The quote suggests that ensuring a partner's emotional and physical needs are met is crucial before exploring non-monogamous arrangements.

• The paradox of increased connectivity leading to feelings of disconnection in society.
• The impact of technology and social media on personal relationships and societal expectations.
• The changing landscape of dating and relationships, including the rise of dating apps and the decline of workplace romances.

"Why is it when we're more connected than ever, that we feel more disconnected?"

Neil Strauss questions the paradoxical relationship between technological connectivity and social disconnection.

"There's so much abundance that they can just go back to the dating pool instead of working it through or riding it out."

This quote reflects on the impact of dating apps on people's willingness to work through relationship challenges, highlighting a culture of abundance and choice.

• The importance of understanding and addressing the root causes of loneliness and isolation.
• The need for honest communication and self-awareness in relationships.
• The significance of adapting to the evolving landscape of dating and relationships.

"Our biggest fear as a child is abandonment, because what happens if our parents out there, we don't get milk or water or food and we die?"

Neil Strauss discusses the deep-rooted fear of abandonment and its implications for adult relationships.

"So there's this new generation of men and women that are struggling now to find that love."

The quote acknowledges the challenges faced by contemporary generations in finding love and forming lasting relationships in the context of societal and technological changes.

• Recent statistics indicate a significant increase in loneliness and changes in relationship milestones and dynamics.
• Men are reportedly having sex later in life and experiencing an increase in sexual assault victimization.
• Women are marrying later, and divorce rates for women over 30 have doubled in the past 50 years.

"The number of men who have had sex by the age of 20 has decreased by 20% since 1990." "In 1970, only 13% of women over 30 were unmarried. Today, that number is nearly 50%."

These quotes highlight societal shifts in relationship timelines and marital status, suggesting a broader transformation in personal relationships and social behavior.

• Neil Strauss emphasizes the importance of fact-checking statistics and not blindly accepting them.
• He shares experiences where statistics were proven to be fabricated or misattributed.
• The discussion suggests that while statistics can be indicative of trends, they must be rigorously verified.

"If you really dig deep, you'll find that probably 50% of statistics are made up."

This quote underscores the idea that many statistics presented in media and literature may not be reliable, highlighting the necessity of critical evaluation of such data.

• Neil Strauss discusses the lack of emphasis on mental health in comparison to physical health.
• He advocates for mental health to be taken as seriously as physical health, given its impact on overall well-being and societal issues.
• The conversation addresses the cultural neglect of mental health education and support.

"Our culture is your teeth better look great? Got to make sure everything physically is fine. But no concern for mental health, no teaching of mental health."

This quote reflects the societal prioritization of physical appearance and health over mental health, pointing to a need for cultural change.

• Neil Strauss speaks about the difficulties of dating in modern times, especially through apps.
• He mentions the historical context of meeting strangers and how it still feels unnatural for many.
• The discussion touches on the inherent risks and uncertainties of online dating.

"The city is the first place where we had to meet a stranger that's not an enemy, and we're still not used to that."

This quote captures the evolutionary and historical challenge of adapting to urban environments where social interactions with strangers are common, impacting modern dating practices.

• Neil Strauss shares insights about personal growth, aging, and dating.
• He contrasts ego-driven behaviors with the process of healing personal wounds and contributing positively to life.
• The conversation explores the importance of self-awareness and authenticity in relationships.

"You can either live out of your unhealed wounds or you can sort of heal your wound and see, what else am I here to heal?"

This quote emphasizes the choice between pursuing superficial validation and engaging in self-improvement and healing for a more fulfilling life.

• Neil Strauss discusses the tension between love and the temptation to cheat.
• He emphasizes the importance of being the right person to attract the right partner.
• The conversation addresses the impact of cheating on the integrity of a relationship.

"All relationship issues are historical. It's not about them. It's about something that happened with mom or dad."

This quote suggests that relationship problems often stem from unresolved childhood issues, highlighting the need for personal introspection and healing.

• Neil Strauss debates the balance between honesty and trust in relationships.
• He argues that while partners should have access to each other's personal information, trust should prevent them from feeling the need to use it.
• The discussion raises questions about the boundaries of privacy and transparency in partnerships.

"Checking your partner's mobile phone behind their back is a form of cheating."

This quote challenges the notion of privacy in relationships, equating the invasion of a partner's personal space to an act of betrayal.

• Neil Strauss shares his experiences and lessons learned from collaborating with Kevin Hart and Rick Rubin.
• He admires Kevin Hart's lack of resistance to challenges and his positive approach to parenting.
• From Rick Rubin, he learned to remove ego from the creative process and to let the art guide its own creation.

"He just does it, rolls through it and moves on."

This quote about Kevin Hart's approach to obstacles illustrates the effectiveness of tackling problems head-on without dwelling on them.

• Neil Strauss reflects on his career journey and his focus on projects rather than overarching labels.
• He expresses a desire to excel in his current projects and move on to the next with enthusiasm.
• The conversation touches on the limitations of labels and the freedom of continuous personal evolution.

"Don't brand yourself, like, let the world try to brand you while you keep moving forward."

This quote encapsulates Neil Strauss's philosophy of avoiding restrictive labels and continuously pursuing growth and new opportunities.

• Individuals often label themselves based on their beliefs or missions, which can make it difficult to evolve or change perspectives over time.
• Growth-oriented people, like Neil Strauss and the host, are known to change and evolve, shifting identities as they learn and grow.
• The concept of identity is fluid, and it's important to allow oneself the flexibility to change and not be confined by past labels or roles.

"Because we grow and we evolve, and if you label yourself as something, well, man, it's hard to move on."

This quote emphasizes the challenge of evolving when one has strongly identified with a particular label or role.

• Neil Strauss discusses the success of his book "The Game" and the identity it created for him as "the game guy."
• The permanence of a book contrasts with the fleeting nature of social media, creating a lasting association with the author's identity.
• Success can be a double-edged sword, as it can lead to gratitude for recognition but also a pressure to surpass previous achievements or to remain tied to them.

"And my thought was, if I thought was, okay, I have to do something else that strikes people so powerfully, become the whatever guy it was to like, okay, what can I do?"

This quote reflects Neil's internal struggle with the expectation to outdo his past success and redefine his identity to the public.

• Neil Strauss reflects on the unexpected success of "The Game" and its real message about male insecurity rather than the perceived message about picking up women.
• The book resonated because it addressed the psychological aspects of social interactions and self-presentation.
• The ultimate goal of the strategies in "The Game" is to become "a natural" and let go of the tactics, achieving genuine self-improvement and esteem.

"To me, I was really writing about male insecurity. It isn't a book about, like, you were saying you were lonely, you felt disconnected, you didn't know how to connect."

This quote clarifies the author's intent behind "The Game," highlighting the underlying theme of addressing male insecurity.

• Neil Strauss discusses the misconception that external validation, such as from romantic partners, can lead to self-esteem.
• The journey to self-validation is a long and continuous process that involves introspection, self-improvement, and avoiding shortcuts.
• The concept of the "long cut" is introduced, emphasizing the importance of taking the time to work on oneself through various means such as physical health, mental health, and service to others.

"But I also think there's no shortcuts to this stuff. Like, again, blessings to everyone who does plant medicine, and I'm not against plant medicine in any way, but I think... It was like the many year journey per. The many year journey we went on to figure this stuff out is where we got there."

This quote highlights the belief that there are no quick fixes to personal growth and self-esteem; it is a long-term journey.

• Neil Strauss prefers his projects to be known rather than his personal identity, focusing on the quality and impact of his work.
• The desire to be recognized for one's contributions, rather than personal fame, is a theme discussed in relation to how one wants to be remembered or known.
• The conversation touches on the balance between being known for one's past work versus the excitement and potential of future projects.

"I guess I would like it like, oh, that's a new Neil Strauss thing. I can't wait to read it or listen to it or watch. Just, I just want to be known as, like, oh, if he does something, it's worth noticing or reading or paying attention to."

This quote reflects Neil's aspiration to be recognized for the consistent quality and impact of his work rather than personal celebrity.

• Neil Strauss discusses how events like 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina introduced a sense of existential uncertainty, challenging the belief in an infallible system.
• He explains how this uncertainty led him to write a book about prepping and to take practical steps to feel safe and secure.
• The conversation explores the necessity of mental preparation for the unknown and the limits of physical preparedness.

"I felt that existential uncertainty and the way I did that was doing the things that would allow me to feel safe and give me peace of mind."

This quote explains Neil's response to uncertainty, which involves taking constructive actions to mitigate feelings of insecurity.

• Neil Strauss reflects on whether he would encourage his son to read "The Game" or "The Truth," considering the potential influence of each book.
• The discussion includes the current whereabouts of characters from "The Game" and the ongoing relevance of their stories.
• There is contemplation on whether to continue writing in the same vein or to pursue different projects that may have a positive impact on others.

"Yeah, I talk. I sometimes hear from mystery who's out there doing his thing, doing workshops in Europe right now, I think."

This quote provides insight into the continued activities of individuals featured in "The Game" and their adherence to the identity formed by their past.

• The host briefly discusses his investment in Huell and promotes their new nutrition bar, emphasizing the company's efforts to create a product that is both nutritious and tasty.
• A recommendation is made for another podcast episode that listeners who enjoyed the current episode might also appreciate.

"After years and years and years and years of work and literally, I remember being in the boardroom about two to three years ago at Huel when they were working on this product."

This quote is an endorsement of Huell's product development process and the host's personal connection to the company.