Esther Perel (Love & Sex Expert) Why Men Love Porn More Than Their Partner! It's Time To Enjoy Sex Again! The Real Reason Men & Women Cheat!

In this engaging conversation, relationship therapist Esther Perel delves into the complexities of human connections, addressing why relationships and sex often become lackluster over time. She emphasizes the importance of actively nurturing relationships, highlighting that love is a verb requiring continuous effort and creativity. Esther discusses the paradox of needing both stability and novelty in long-term relationships and how eroticism can be maintained through new experiences and maintaining a sense of individuality. She also touches on the reasons behind infidelity, suggesting that affairs can stem from a desire to feel alive and reconnect with lost parts of oneself, rather than simply being about dissatisfaction within a relationship. Moreover, Esther underlines that communication and honesty about desires can revitalize intimacy, and that dealing with conflict is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, as explored in her course "Turning Conflict into Connection."

• Esther Perel highlights a common negligence in the way people treat their relationships compared to their businesses.
• Relationships, unlike businesses, are often not given the same level of meticulous care and effort.
• Love is not a self-sustaining state but requires continuous enthusiasm and work.

"Do you know a single person who would treat their business the way that people treat their relationships? The business would be dead. Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm that just exists."

The quote underscores the idea that if people treated their businesses as carelessly as they often treat their relationships, the businesses would fail. Love requires active maintenance, much like a successful business does.

• Esther Perel discusses the complexities of sexual desire, particularly in women.
• She suggests that a lack of desire may not be due to a lack of libido, but rather a lack of desire for the type of sex being had.
• Perel also touches on men's fear of rejection and how it relates to the allure of pornography.

"In order to want sex, it needs to be worth wanting. So when women don't want sex, is it really that they have less desire? Or is it that they don't have desire for the sex they have?"

This quote reflects on the nature of sexual desire and its dependency on the quality of the sexual experience, suggesting that the issue may not be with desire itself but with the desirability of the sex on offer.

• Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of being fully present in a relationship.
• The lack of presence can lead to feelings of loneliness and testing from a partner to seek attention.
• Relationships degrade without presence, leading to a cycle of neglect and dissatisfaction.

"The more he refuses to be present, the more alone she feels. And the more alone she feels, the more she tests him to see if you're really not there."

This quote explains how a partner's absence or lack of presence can make the other feel isolated, prompting them to seek confirmation of their partner's engagement in the relationship.

• Esther Perel defines her mission as improving the quality of relationships, which she believes are central to the quality of life.
• She observes that relationships are often disregarded in professional environments and undervalued in personal growth.
• Perel aims to provide guidance and skills for navigating the complexities of modern relationships.

"The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. And relationships are often not taken very seriously as a subject of inquiry."

This quote encapsulates Perel's belief in the significance of relationships to overall life quality and her mission to elevate their importance in personal and societal discourse.

• Esther Perel discusses how childhood experiences shape adult relationships.
• She argues that while childhood has an influence, individuals are not solely defined by their past.
• Perel suggests that people can rewrite the legacy of their childhood through their actions and choices as adults.

"A lot. But we are not just what happened to us. We are also who we become."

The quote emphasizes that while past experiences shape us, we have the capacity to evolve and redefine ourselves beyond our childhood experiences.

• Esther Perel identifies patterns in how couples interact, often based on their childhood experiences.
• She describes a "figure eight" loop where each partner's actions and reactions create a dance of vulnerabilities and survival strategies.
• Recognizing and understanding these patterns can lead to transformative change in relationships.

"The pattern is what two people create. That's the pattern."

Perel points out that the pattern in a relationship is not just a result of individual backgrounds but is actively created by the interaction of both partners.

• Esther Perel stresses the importance of acknowledging interdependence in relationships.
• Expressing gratitude for a partner's contributions can reinforce their significance and the balance they bring to one's life.
• Recognizing and thanking a partner for their role can deepen connection and appreciation.

"I couldn't do this without you."

This quote highlights the value of expressing the interdependent nature of relationships and the importance of recognizing a partner's contributions.

• Esther Perel warns against taking relationships for granted and letting them become an afterthought.
• She compares the effort people put into work with the lack of creativity and attention given to personal relationships.
• Perel advises against the complacency that leads to the degradation of relationships over time.

"If you'd give the best of yourself at work and then you bring the leftovers home, taking out your phone and not present, slowly, your relationship degrades."

The quote illustrates the detrimental effect of not prioritizing relationships and the gradual decline that ensues when one does not engage fully at home.

• Esther Perel introduces the concept of ambiguous loss to describe the feeling of being with someone who is not fully present.
• The constant distraction of technology can lead to a sense of loneliness even when physically together.
• Perel suggests simple actions, like taking a walk without phones, to reconnect and be fully present.

"Ambiguous loss is a term that was developed by a colleague, Pauline boss, a wonderful psychologist, when she talked about what happens when you have some parent, for example, that has Alzheimer's, they are physically present, but they are psychologically gone."

Perel uses this quote to draw a parallel between the psychological concept of ambiguous loss and the emotional distance created by technology in modern relationships.

• Esther Perel discusses the interconnectedness of relationships and personal change.
• Small, creative interventions can significantly affect relationship dynamics.
• The concept of the "figure eight" illustrates the cyclical and reciprocal nature of relational influence.
• Changing oneself can lead to changes in the other person within a relationship.
• This principle applies to various relational systems, including work environments and intimate relationships.
• The concept of a feedback loop from cybernetics is mentioned as a foundational aspect of relational systems.

"Once you understood the figure eight and how we create the other, you understand that if you do something else, sooner or later they do something else too."

The quote emphasizes the idea that individuals within a relationship influence each other's behaviors, and by altering one's own actions, they can indirectly cause a change in the other person's actions.

• The concept of "bids for connection" is introduced, referring to small gestures that foster connection in a relationship.
• These bids are critical as they signal togetherness and consideration for the other person.
• Neglecting these small moments can contribute to the waning of the relationship's spark.
• The importance of acknowledging these bids is highlighted, as it reinforces the shared connection.

"It's the little things. It's the difference between turning towards someone or turning away."

This quote captures the essence of how small gestures can either strengthen or weaken the bond between individuals in a relationship.

• Acknowledgment in relationships is not about the content shared but the shared experience and connection.
• Ignoring the small gestures of connection can lead to a partner feeling taken for granted.
• The decline of a relationship is often linked to a lack of acknowledgment and appreciation over time.

"The acknowledgment is we are part of a thread. We're connected."

Esther Perel explains that acknowledgment is about recognizing and maintaining the ongoing connection between partners, not just about the specific item or content being shared.

• The survival of the family now depends on the happiness of the couple, a historical shift.
• Economic independence and legal changes have made relationship quality the primary reason for staying together.
• Love is described as a verb, an active practice that requires ongoing engagement and effort.
• The analogy between treating a business and a relationship is used to illustrate the consequences of neglecting a relationship.

"The only thing that holds the couple together... is the relationship quality. If you don't have that, there is no family."

Esther Perel emphasizes that the quality of the relationship is now the central element that keeps a couple and, by extension, a family together.

• Relationships can deteriorate gradually, often due to neglect and taking each other for granted.
• The balance between personal responsibilities and nurturing the relationship is crucial.
• The metaphor of a relationship being the "residual beneficiary" illustrates how it can suffer when it only receives leftover attention and resources.

"It's a practice. If you stop doing all those things that you're telling me... when that thins out, it means that you have not been conjugating the verb."

This quote highlights that love requires continuous action and engagement, and falling out of love is often a result of ceasing those actions.

• Conflict in relationships is seen as a manifestation of underlying issues with connection.
• Esther Perel introduces her course "Turning Conflict into Connection," emphasizing the importance of addressing the root causes of conflict.
• Understanding what partners are truly fighting for, such as trust, recognition, and control, can lead to more productive conflict resolution.
• The need for social skills and the ability to handle conflict are discussed in relation to societal changes and the impact of technology.

"Instead of asking, what are we fighting about? Ask yourself, what are we fighting for?"

The quote suggests reframing the perspective on conflict by focusing on the underlying needs and desires that fuel disagreements, rather than the surface-level issues.

• The shift in children's play from unstructured outdoor activities to screen-based entertainment is linked to a decrease in social skills and resilience.
• The ability to handle uncertainty and conflict is seen as essential for innovation and mental health.
• Esther Perel suggests that a return to real-world interactions and unstructured play could improve societal resilience and conflict management skills.

"Let your kids go and have sleepovers. Connect with other people. Don't just stay in your little nuclear system."

The quote encourages fostering real-world connections and experiences as a way to develop social skills and resilience in the face of conflict and uncertainty.

• Esther Perel explains her reasons for writing "Mating in Captivity," which explores the reconciliation of security and adventure within relationships.
• The book addresses the expectation for one partner to fulfill a multitude of roles that were historically spread across a community.
• The changes in sexuality from duty to desire and the impact on relationships are discussed.

"I thought we used to have religion to experience belonging and continuity and identity. And then we had family for security and economic support and children and social status."

Esther Perel reflects on the historical distribution of roles and expectations across various institutions and how these have converged onto the romantic partnership in modern times.

• Romantics are described as aspirational, imaginative, and seeking transcendence, while realists are pragmatic and content with the status quo.
• The dynamic between romantic and realistic perspectives in relationships is explored.
• Gender differences in this dynamic are dismissed, with childhood stories and broader gender identification playing a more significant role.

"Romantics are aspirational. Romantics live in the realm of the imagination."

This quote defines romantics as individuals who are driven by their aspirations and imagination, constantly seeking more from life and relationships.

• Men are socialized to value stoicism, fearlessness, and competitiveness over emotional engagement.
• Boys often lose access to a rich emotional vocabulary by age seven due to societal norms.
• When men are supported and listened to, they can express their emotions despite the socialization to do otherwise.
• Men and women may want similar things but express these desires in different vocabularies assigned by society.

"I don't buy the thing that men talk less. I do think that, yes, men are often emptied out from the vocabulary of emotions by age seven." "So they will talk about it in the language of sex. Women have basically not been given the license to say what they want sexually."

These quotes emphasize the impact of societal norms on how men and women communicate their needs and desires, particularly emotional and sexual ones.

• There is a misconception that men's sexuality is autonomous and spontaneous, while women's sexuality is context-dependent.
• The rise of feminism and gender equality has influenced sexual dynamics in relationships.
• Sex can be playful and consensual, yet politically incorrect, with desires sometimes contradicting daytime beliefs.

"Like, we like to think that men's sexuality, it's autonomous, it's unprompted, it's spontaneous." "Yes, sex is not always politically correct."

Esther Perel challenges common stereotypes about gender and sexuality, suggesting that both men and women have complex sexual emotions that are often simplified by societal narratives.

• Most research on desire focuses on women, implying they have challenges with desire, while men's challenges are overlooked.
• This bias in research affects the support and understanding available to men regarding sexual desire.
• Changes in society, science, and politics intersect, influencing sexual dynamics and the recognition of women's sexual desires and pleasures.

"I think it's about 97% of research on desire is about women." "Have women changed fundamentally around the fact that, at least in the west, in most situations, hopefully, sex is no longer just a woman's marital duty, but that it is also about her desire, her pleasure, their connection together?"

Esther Perel points out the gender bias in sexual desire research and acknowledges the significant social changes that have shifted the understanding of women's roles in sexual relationships.

• Sexlessness in relationships can stem from various factors, including personal health, medication side effects, and emotional issues.
• The quality of sexual experiences is more important than frequency, and it's essential to address the underlying reasons for sexlessness.
• Couples may struggle with initiating sex due to fear of rejection, and this can lead to a cycle of avoidance and anxiety.

"But what does that mean? Sexlessness, because in a relationship or in a culture where the woman's experience doesn't really matter, there may be sex, but that may be miserable sex." "It's difficult to want to have more sex by talking about not wanting to have sex, you have to try new things."

These quotes highlight the complexity of sexlessness in relationships and the need to explore and communicate openly to improve sexual satisfaction.

• Couples need to develop a positive sexual vocabulary and be open to exploring each other's desires and fantasies.
• Open communication about sexual preferences, without judgment or shame, can lead to a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
• Sexual exploration can change the entire dynamic of a relationship, influencing other aspects of the couple's life together.

"And what is not said often enough is that when people are able to change this, it changes the whole relationship." "How do you communicate sexually? What is that translation from Spanish to French?"

Esther Perel emphasizes the importance of communication in sexual relationships and how a couple's ability to explore and express their sexual desires can positively affect their overall relationship.

• Many people carry shame or anxiety around sex due to past traumas or societal silence on the topic.
• Open conversations about sexuality are crucial for overcoming these negative feelings and improving sexual relationships.
• Sexual education and communication in families and relationships play a significant role in shaping individuals' attitudes towards sex.

"But shame and anxiety is because a lot of people, look, if it's one in four women and one in six men, have experiences of unwanted sex or abuse or violation or assault, as a lot of people carrying a lot of very negative experiences, traumatic experiences around sex." "And once you've actually invited them into a whole other conversation about what is pleasure for you, what is connection, what is the difference between desire and arousal?"

Esther Perel discusses how to address the deep-seated issues of shame and anxiety that many individuals face regarding their sexuality, highlighting the need for more open and comprehensive conversations about sex.

• Esther Perel discusses the complexity of sexual relationships within a family context.
• She highlights the avoidance strategies couples use to not have sex.
• Esther notes the discrepancy between one partner's desire for sex and the other's lack of interest.
• She describes a specific case of a couple with a counting system for sex and the resulting dissatisfaction.

"In the end, you have 90% of people telling you sex was central in my life growing up, and 10% saying, no, it wasn't. It flips the whole thing. And from there you begin to have conversations about sexuality."

This quote emphasizes the prevalence of sex as a central theme in people's lives and the importance of discussing sexuality in relationships.

• Esther Perel explores the reasons behind why people cheat in relationships.
• She points out that cheating can occur even in happy relationships and may not reflect dissatisfaction with a partner but with oneself.
• Esther notes that affairs can bring a sense of aliveness and are often about more than just sex.

"So people cheat because they're lonely. They cheat because they have been sexually frustrated for so many years. They cheat because they are resentful."

This quote lists some of the emotional reasons why individuals might engage in infidelity, indicating that cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues within the individual or the relationship.

• Esther discusses the historical and social consequences for women who cheat, which were more severe than for men.
• She challenges the traditional narratives that justify infidelity differently for men and women.
• Esther also touches on the idea that women have not had different desires from men, but their actions have been more about safety than pleasure.

"For most of history, men have basically had a license to cheat... when in fact, it didn't happen to women, because the consequences were far more dire on women than on men."

This quote highlights the double standard in how society has historically viewed male and female infidelity, with women facing harsher consequences.

• Esther Perel speaks about the importance of novelty and new experiences to maintain desire in long-term relationships.
• She notes that doing new things together can reignite the spark between partners.
• Esther also points out that seeing one's partner through the eyes of others can renew attraction.

"If you want to experience desire, it is wanting something that you don't yet have. It's exploring something that you don't yet know."

This quote explains the concept of desire as a yearning for the unknown, suggesting that couples need to seek new experiences to keep their relationship dynamic.

• Esther discusses how being cheated on can sometimes increase one's attraction to their partner.
• She describes how seeing a partner in their element or through the eyes of others can make them appear more attractive and desirable.

"An affair is often experienced as an antidote to that kind of deadness."

This quote suggests that some people use affairs as a way to combat feelings of stagnation or lifelessness in their relationship.

• Esther Perel talks about the difference between maintenance sex and the occasional passionate encounter.
• She emphasizes the importance of each partner having their own erotic interiority and not feeling threatened by it.

"Erotic couples have a lot of maintenance sex, and on occasion they get suddenly this really unusual, hot, different."

This quote indicates that a balance of consistent, comfortable sexual encounters and rare, intense experiences can contribute to a healthy erotic life in a relationship.

• Esther Perel advises that actively engaging in the relationship and being willing to take risks and show vulnerability is key to a healthy relationship.
• She encourages individuals to focus on what they can do to improve the relationship rather than expecting their partner to change.

"If you want to change the other? Change yourself."

This quote underscores the idea that personal change can be a catalyst for positive change in a relationship.

• Esther Perel introduces her online course aimed at helping people transform conflict into connection within their relationships.
• The course provides tools for understanding the underlying needs behind conflicts and how to communicate more effectively.

"It's for people who kind of say, we keep getting into the same arguments. It's for people who say, how do we turn this thing around?"

This quote explains who the course is designed for and the common relationship challenges it aims to address.

• Esther Perel concludes with the message of love as an active verb, requiring continuous effort and attention.
• She stresses the importance of valuing the relationship and not taking one's partner for granted.

"Love is a verb. I think it's a very important thing. And that means you actively do a bunch of things."

This quote encapsulates the proactive nature of love and the importance of actively nurturing a relationship.