Doctor Gabor Mate I Regret My Interview With Prince Harry! The Shocking Link Between Kindness & Illness!

Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on addiction, trauma, and childhood development, delves into the complexities of human distress and its widespread impact on society. Emphasizing the importance of emotional expression, he explains how the repression of healthy anger can lead to serious health issues, such as autoimmune diseases and cancer, often stemming from childhood trauma. He shares personal anecdotes, including his interview with Prince Harry, to illustrate the profound effects of not being seen or heard during childhood. Dr. Maté also discusses the pitfalls of people-pleasing and the necessity of saying 'no,' highlighting the disconnect between our external pursuits and the crucial goal of inner peace. He advocates for societal changes, including educating caregivers and supporting families, to foster healthier, more authentic relationships and personal growth.

• A significant portion of the population is medicated, with a high number of women on antidepressants.
• Childhood distress rates are increasing globally.
• There is an underlying epidemic of distress in society.

"70% of the adult population is at least on one medication. Quarter of women are on antidepressants. The rate of childhood is going up worldwide. There's this epidemic of distress."

The quote highlights the prevalence of medication use among adults and the specific mention of antidepressants in women, indicating a widespread state of distress in society.

• Individuals who cannot express 'no' may experience their bodies expressing it for them through illness.
• Niceness can sometimes be a form of repression of healthy anger, which has health implications.
• Emotional repression can lead to diseases like cancer and is often rooted in childhood trauma.

"People of teasers. These are the people that tend to develop diseases. When people don't know how to say no, the body will say no for them, that niceness is a repression of healthy anger."

This quote explains the concept that people who are overly accommodating and cannot assert boundaries may end up experiencing physical manifestations of disease as a result of emotional repression.

• Trauma in children can result from not having basic emotional needs met.
• Being unseen, unheard, or unheld can be deeply wounding for a child.
• Prince Harry's experience is used to illustrate how a child can be traumatized by the way they are informed about a traumatic event.

"Harry was a traumatized child. How he's told about his mother's death is that it was an accident. Your mother didn't make it. His father touches Harry on the knee and says, but it'll be okay, and leaves the room. This twelve year old, nobody held him."

The quote describes a specific instance of childhood trauma experienced by Prince Harry, emphasizing that trauma can result from both what happens to a child and what fails to happen, such as receiving comfort and support during a time of loss.

• Dr. Gabor Maté reflects on his fluctuating mental state, attributing it to forgetting his own teachings.
• He mentions a recent period of anxiety and self-doubt following a public talk.
• Maté also discusses taking a two-week sabbatical from the internet to improve his mental health.

"So as an in the moment answer, I'm well. And I also know how to keep well, as long as I stick with what I know. And when I forget what I know, then I can be very not well."

The quote captures Dr. Maté's acknowledgment of his current state of well-being and the importance of adhering to his own insights to maintain mental health.

• Vocalizing stress can help move it from the emotional to the rational part of the brain.
• Meditation can restore executive function, preventing emotions from overwhelming rational thought.
• Childhood trauma can disrupt the connection between emotional insight and executive function.

"It's the midfrontal cortex of our brain that has insight and social connection and awareness, which so often goes offline as soon as some emotion takes over."

This quote explains the neurological basis for how emotional overwhelm can impair rational thinking and how practices like meditation can help maintain cognitive function during emotional stress.

• Dr. Maté discusses the importance of aligning public wisdom with private behavior.
• He took a break from the internet to address stress and to reconcile his public teachings with his personal life.
• Maté highlights the compulsive behavior of checking devices and the importance of noticing this to maintain mental health.

"And my response has always been, maybe I should read it myself, because the fact is, I'm quite capable of giving advice and dispensing wisdom that I don't follow myself."

The quote reflects on the irony of being able to offer advice to others while struggling to apply it to oneself, and the decision to take a hiatus from technology as a step towards personal alignment.

• Dr. Maté discusses the hollow feeling of success and the importance of internal validation over external achievements.
• He describes how the success of his book and the attention it brought led to a loss of self.
• Maté emphasizes the need for rigorous attention to one's inner state.

"So what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what I know. If I don't pay attention, rigorous attention, to what's going on inside, and if I keep looking to the outside to give me meaning and give me validation, then I can lose myself."

This quote underscores the lesson that external success cannot compensate for a lack of self-awareness and the necessity of focusing on one's internal experience to maintain a sense of self.

• Dr. Maté shares his distress over media misrepresentation following his interview with Prince Harry.
• He discusses the deep-seated need to be seen accurately and the pain of being misunderstood.
• Maté sought help to understand that his reaction to the media was rooted in past unresolved issues of not being seen.

"Not being seen is one of the needs of the child. But he said to me, okay, look, gabor, when you're an infant, you're not being seen for who you are as a human being. Almost cost you your life, which it did."

This quote relates the personal impact of media misrepresentation to a fundamental childhood need for recognition and visibility, and how past experiences can influence present reactions.

• Dr. Maté highlights the courage required to ask for help, even for those who are knowledgeable about mental health.
• He discusses the cultural stigma, especially for men and leaders, against seeking help.
• The conversation touches on the challenges of knowing who to trust and the importance of reconnecting with one's intuition.

"And he's asked, what's the most courageous things you've ever said? And the horse says, help."

The quote exemplifies the difficulty and bravery involved in admitting vulnerability and seeking assistance, which is a crucial step in healing and maintaining mental health.

• Dr. Maté explains that gut feelings are physiological signals that guide us toward safety.
• He discusses the disconnection from gut feelings as a sign of childhood wounding.
• Maté emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with one's gut feelings for authentic decision-making.

"Unless I think we get reconnected to our gut feelings, then our gut feelings will tell us what is real and what isn't. But the problem for many of us is that we get disconnected from our gut feelings very early in life."

The quote addresses the importance of being in tune with one's gut feelings, which serve as an internal compass for navigating life's decisions, and how trauma can sever this connection.

• Dr. Maté reflects on his past belief that he was immune to stress and how he later recognized his vulnerability.
• He discusses the role of coping mechanisms in masking stress and the eventual breakdown of these strategies.
• Maté and the interviewer relate over the shared experience of believing in their own resilience to stress and the realization of its impact.

"I used to believe, I really used to believe into my forty s that everybody else could be stressed, but I couldn't be."

This quote conveys the common misconception that some individuals are immune to stress, a belief that can lead to a lack of self-care and the eventual confrontation with one's own stress responses.

• Dr. Gabor Maté discusses the emotional dynamics between him and his wife, including issues such as irritability and unreasonable blaming.
• He identifies a pattern where people often marry someone at the same level of emotional development or trauma resolution as themselves.
• The relationship dynamic involved Dr. Maté acting out trauma in a "typical male way" by being aggressive and demanding, while his wife, conditioned from childhood, took on the role of peacemaker and caregiver.
• Dr. Maté acknowledges his own growth, learning to recognize and stop negative behaviors, thanks to his wife's assertiveness.

"We always marry somebody at the same level of emotional development or trauma resolution as we are. So when we met, we were two traumatized people not even realizing it."

This quote highlights the tendency for individuals to form intimate bonds with partners who are at a similar stage of emotional maturity or have dealt with their traumas to a comparable extent.

• Dr. Maté shares his internal emotional states, such as anxiety, and how it led him to seek soothing from his wife.
• He discusses the unconscious expectation for women to mother their male partners and how this can drain passion and ardor from a sexual relationship.
• Dr. Maté reflects on the importance of recognizing one's contribution to relationship dynamics instead of unfairly blaming the partner.

"I was anxious. And then I want her soothing. I want her. How should I say this? There's an interesting sexual dynamic between men and women that men very often expect, unconsciously expect their women to mother them."

This quote reveals Dr. Maté's personal feelings of anxiety and his desire for comfort from his partner, as well as touching on the broader societal expectation for women to provide nurturing roles in relationships.

• Dr. Maté and the other speaker discuss the challenges of expressing emotions such as anxiety within a relationship.
• The conversation emphasizes the importance of owning one's feelings rather than acting them out and expecting partners to understand without communication.
• Dr. Maté mentions the potential consequences for women who do not assert themselves, including illness and seeking medication for emotional repression.

"And I'm feeling unsettled. And I realize that I have resentful feelings towards you. Instead of owning it, we act it out. And then why don't they understand us?"

This quote underscores the importance of acknowledging and communicating one's emotions in a relationship rather than projecting or externalizing them onto a partner.

• Dr. Maté explains that the repression of healthy anger can disturb the immune system, as both the emotional and immune systems have similar roles in boundary defense.
• He introduces the concept of psychoneuroimmunology, which studies the unity of the emotional, nervous, hormonal, and immune systems.
• Dr. Maté discusses how emotional repression, often a result of childhood trauma, can have physiological implications such as increased susceptibility to illnesses like cancer.

"Repression of healthy anger disturbs the immune system."

This quote succinctly captures the central idea that suppressing natural emotional responses can have detrimental effects on one's physical health.

• Dr. Maté delves into the fundamental human needs for attachment and authenticity, and how they can conflict in childhood, leading to emotional repression.
• He explains that children often suppress their true selves to maintain attachment to their caregivers, which can result in becoming people-pleasers and experiencing trauma.
• Dr. Maté cites examples of individuals, like Cheryl Crowe, who changed their people-pleasing behaviors following a serious illness.

"The child is born with some fundamental needs. One of them, as I've articulated earlier, is for attachment, for closeness, proximity, unconditional loving acceptance by caring adults."

This quote discusses the innate needs of children for secure attachment and how these needs can lead to self-suppression when not met appropriately.

• Dr. Maté warns of the health risks associated with being "too nice," which often stems from a fear of not being liked or loved for who one truly is.
• He distinguishes between niceness from genuine compassion and niceness as a form of self-repression.
• Dr. Maté shares historical observations and studies linking diseases like multiple sclerosis and ALS to individuals who tend to repress their emotions and prioritize others' needs over their own.

"Why are ALS patients so nice? And what they described was that when people came to their office for diagnosis, before they met the physician, they had underwent EDX, electrodiagnostic testing of their nerves."

Dr. Maté uses this quote to illustrate the observed correlation between certain diseases and personality traits, specifically the tendency of patients with ALS to be unusually nice, which may be indicative of emotional repression.

• Dr. Maté discusses the possibility of change for people-pleasers, emphasizing that while the behavior may be ingrained, it is not their first nature.
• He offers practical exercises for individuals to become more conscious of their people-pleasing tendencies and to reclaim their ability to say no.
• Dr. Maté stresses the importance of understanding the origins of these behaviors and the potential for healing and transformation.

"Ask yourself this question. Where in your life are you not saying no? Where no wants to be said, but you're not saying it."

This quote presents a reflective exercise aimed at helping people identify areas in their lives where they are not asserting their boundaries and encourages them to explore the reasons behind this behavior.

• Authenticity is crucial for a healthy life and is a central dynamic in staying healthy.
• Being true to oneself is the top regret of the dying, emphasizing the importance of authenticity.
• Expressing feelings is important and not doing so for fear of displeasing others is a significant regret.
• Authenticity is not just a personal concept, but also has social and collective implications.

"The top regret was: That I wasn't being myself. That I wasn't true to myself. I wasn't being authentic."

This quote highlights the profound regret among dying individuals who feel they did not live authentically. It illustrates the importance of authenticity in leading a fulfilling life.

"The third one was that I didn't express my feelings for fear of disturbing or displeasing others."

This quote emphasizes the negative impact of suppressing emotions to avoid conflict or disapproval, which is a common regret among the dying.

• Trauma exists on both a personal and collective level, with historical and societal implications.
• Recognition of trauma challenges the ruling elite to acknowledge the source of their wealth and power.
• The pushback against the idea of trauma is linked to avoiding responsibility for historical injustices.

"The ruling elites in this country would have to come to terms with the fact that their wealth is based on the traumatization of foreign peoples."

This quote discusses the connection between the wealth of the ruling class and the exploitation and trauma inflicted upon other nations and peoples.

• The healthcare system lacks understanding of the emotional contributions to physical and mental health.
• Educating caregivers about the mind-body connection and the impacts of trauma is crucial.
• Supporting young families and creating a society with mutual acceptance and social support can help prevent trauma.
• The justice system, educational system, and medical system need to understand child development and trauma.
• For individuals, self-education through books and online resources can be helpful, even in the absence of therapy.

"Educate doctors about the actual signs of the mind-body connection and the impacts of trauma."

This quote suggests that a fundamental step in addressing generational trauma is to educate healthcare professionals about the interplay between mental and physical health.

"Let everybody who deals with children, from social workers to teachers to daycare workers to kindergarten supervisors to parents, understand the emotional needs of kids and provide that safety."

This quote calls for a comprehensive approach to child development, emphasizing the importance of emotional safety and support from all adults involved in a child's life.

• Many people cannot afford therapy, but there are alternatives like reading books on trauma and joining self-help groups.
• It's important to differentiate between recognizing trauma to overcome it and using it as an excuse for negative behavior.
• The idea of recovery is about finding one's true self, which is never lost despite trauma.

"Read some books. My own, but not just my own. I could rattle off five other books you should read."

Dr. Gabor Maté encourages self-education on trauma through various authors' works, emphasizing the accessibility of knowledge for personal growth.

"To talk about trauma is not to disempower people, but to empower them."

This quote clarifies that acknowledging trauma is a step towards empowerment and healing, not a sign of weakness or brokenness.

• Healthy anger is a boundary defense in the present moment and dissipates once its job is done.
• Rage, on the other hand, builds on itself and can lead to unhealthy outcomes such as heart attacks or strokes.
• Understanding the origins of one's anger or rage is essential for emotional health.

"Healthy anger is essential for our physical integrity."

This quote distinguishes healthy anger, which protects us, from unhealthy rage, which can have detrimental effects on our health.

"Your friend is carrying a lot of explosive material. I can tell you your friend never felt understood or validated as a child, and he's still carrying the rage of that."

Dr. Gabor Maté uses the metaphor of explosive material to explain how unresolved childhood emotions can manifest as rage in adulthood.

• Seeing oneself is crucial for self-awareness and healing from trauma.
• Meditation and breathing exercises are practical tools for self-awareness and stress reduction.
• Removing attachment to external validation, such as social media likes, can help one focus on self-acceptance.

"If I fully see myself, it doesn't matter whether you see me or not."

This quote emphasizes the importance of self-recognition and confidence as the foundation for not being affected by others' perceptions.

"Meditation, which is the form of meditation that at least I am learning, is about just noticing and seeing what's going on inside without judgment."

Dr. Gabor Maté describes meditation as a practice of non-judgmental self-awareness that can help individuals see themselves more clearly.

• Chronic stress and constant stimulation have serious impacts on individual and societal well-being.
• The antidote to stress includes awareness of breath and reducing stimuli that contribute to stress.
• The design of our lives and the constant exposure to stressors must be reconsidered for better health outcomes.

"The impacts are very serious. You can see it on the individual level in terms of mental health conditions... Autoimmune conditions are."

Dr. Gabor Maté outlines the severe consequences of chronic stress on both mental and physical health.

"Rather than go to retreats and therapists, just take a few conscious breaths several times."

This quote suggests that simple practices like conscious breathing can have a significant impact on managing stress and improving well-being.

• Our ability to form relationships is influenced by our trauma and comfort with being alone.
• The role of trauma in romantic relationships is significant, and self-work is key to overcoming barriers to connection.

"We can't form proper relationships until we have the capacity to be alone and be comfortable with ourselves."

This quote highlights the importance of individual self-acceptance and comfort with solitude as prerequisites for healthy relationships.

"Not when I discovered anything externally, but when I did a lot of work to figure out the barriers that were standing in my way of connection."

Here, the speaker reflects on the personal journey of overcoming internal barriers to find love and connection in relationships.

• Authenticity is crucial for forming meaningful and positive relationships.
• Relationships often start with an infatuation phase, which can lead to disappointment and hatred when reality sets in.
• Healthy relationships require self-sufficiency and not looking to others to fill one's emotional needs.
• Commitment to truth and mutual growth is key to a successful partnership.
• Dr. Gabor Maté emphasizes his own relationship as a significant source of personal growth.

"The more you're able to be in touch with yourself and to ground yourself in your own truth, the more likely you're able to form meaningful and positive relationships."

This quote highlights the importance of self-awareness and truth in building strong relationships. Authenticity leads to better connections with others.

"So once you no longer need it, once you no longer are dependent on it, then you can enter into a healthy relationship."

Dr. Maté suggests that independence from needing external validation or fulfillment from others is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship.

• Relationships are influenced by the emotional development or trauma resolution of the individuals involved.
• Growth within a relationship can lead to imbalance if only one person evolves.
• The arrival of children can shift dynamics, especially if one partner feels neglected.
• Women often face a choice between nurturing their children or their partner, which can strain the relationship.

"It happens all the time. As I said earlier, people always meet at the same level of emotional development or trauma resolution, so that water fighting its own level."

Dr. Maté explains that individuals tend to form relationships with those at similar emotional development stages, creating a balance that can be disrupted by personal growth.

"And I've seen it in my own marriage, I've seen it as a physician, as an observer of human beings."

By referencing his personal and professional experience, Dr. Maté corroborates the commonality of these relationship dynamics.

• Physical intimacy often precedes emotional intimacy in modern relationships, leading to a disconnect.
• Women generally seek more emotional intimacy, which can affect sexual dynamics.
• Parent-child dynamics between partners can diminish sexual drive.
• Safety and emotional intimacy are crucial for a healthy sexual relationship.

"When we enter into sexuality early without the emotional intimacy and emotional authenticity, then the sex becomes divorced from our real needs."

Dr. Maté emphasizes the importance of establishing emotional intimacy before physical intimacy to maintain a healthy sexual relationship.

"Safety is so important for sexuality... when people freeze, it's a fear response."

This quote explains that a sense of safety is essential for a woman's sexual openness, and without it, sexual relations can be compromised by fear.

• Dr. Maté observes an increase in societal distress, confusion, and medication use.
• Childhood suicide rates are rising, and many adults and children are on medications for various conditions.
• The cultural epidemic of distress is a global issue that requires addressing root causes.

"So I see these growing manifestations of distress, what I call a toxic culture."

Dr. Maté identifies a widespread cultural issue that contributes to the mental health crisis, implying a need for systemic change.

"In the United States, the rate of childhood suicide is going up. Suicide. More and more kids are being medicated for all kinds of conditions."

This quote highlights the severe impact of societal distress on children, indicating a pressing need for societal introspection and action.

• Dr. Maté shares a nuanced view on optimism and pessimism, similar to Noam Chomsky's perspective.
• He expresses belief in the human capacity for growth and transformation despite short-term challenges.
• The journey towards a better sense of self is difficult but achievable.

"Strategically, I'm an optimist, and tactically, I'm a pessimist, which means that in the long term, I do believe in people."

Dr. Maté expresses his long-term faith in humanity's ability to overcome challenges and grow, despite short-term pessimism about current trends.

"I do believe in the human capacity to grow, to transform, to come to a deeper, grounded sanity in themselves, both on the individual and the social level."

This quote conveys Dr. Maté's optimism in human potential, emphasizing the possibility of both personal and societal transformation.

• It's important to align one's life with their stated goals and intentions.
• Actions often reveal true intentions, which may differ from what is verbally expressed.
• Inner peace should be a goal alongside external achievements.
• Individuals must evaluate what supports their goals and what undermines them.

"What you need to ask yourself is what anybody needs to ask themselves is look at your intentions, both the conscious ones and also the ones that show up when you look at how you actually live your life and bring the two into alignment."

Dr. Maté advises individuals to reflect on their true intentions by examining their actions, not just their words, to achieve alignment and authenticity.

"Inner peace. Because without inner peace, you're not going to be able to serve any of those goals properly."

This quote underscores the importance of inner peace as a foundational goal that enables one to pursue other goals effectively and sustainably.

• Vulnerability is a natural aspect of being human and is essential for growth.
• Many people shut down their vulnerability due to painful experiences.
• Embracing vulnerability can lead to maturity and true self-discovery.
• Vulnerability also facilitates deeper connections with others.

"Without emotional vulnerability, there's also no growth."

Dr. Maté highlights that just as living organisms grow through their vulnerable parts, humans also need to be emotionally vulnerable to grow.

"And the cost is that we stay immature and that we lose ourselves. That's what the cost is."

By discussing the cost of denying vulnerability, Dr. Maté points out that avoiding vulnerability can lead to stagnation and a loss of self.

• Dr. Maté reflects on his desire to be remembered as someone who made a difference.
• He acknowledges the positive impact his work has had on people's relationships with themselves.
• Expressing gratitude for life's challenges is seen as more meaningful than giving advice.
• Dr. Maté's work has influenced not only individuals but also the next generation of therapists and teachers.

"As somebody who did his best to make a difference and who made a difference, which I know I have."

Dr. Maté expresses confidence in the positive impact he has had through his work, aiming to be remembered as a contributor to personal and societal growth.

"Thank you for everything. And you know what? I may even say that to the world. I might even say thank you for all the struggles and the travails and troubles and tribulations of childhood and adulthood and parenting and career and all this."

In this quote, Dr. Maté chooses gratitude as his message to the world, valuing the lessons and growth that come from life's difficulties.