World Expert on Love: Your Brain Already Picked Your Partner (But They’re Lying About Monogamy)

Dr. Anna Machin, an Oxford-trained evolutionary anthropologist, explores the complexities of human love, relationships, and the critical role of fathers. Challenging the notion that humans are naturally monogamous, she highlights cultural influences on relationship dynamics, including the rise of individualism and women's independence. Machin emphasizes the importance of fathers, noting their unique contributions to a child's social and emotional development, and the impact of neurodiversity on relationships. She advocates for re-evaluating societal norms and legal systems to better support diverse family structures and paternal involvement.

• Monogamy is presented as a social construct rather than a natural evolutionary state for humans.
• The idea that sexual monogamy may not be beneficial from an evolutionary perspective is discussed.
• There is a high rate of extramarital affairs, suggesting that monogamy might not align with human nature.

"We are not a monogamous species. It's a social construct. And I get attacked for saying things like this. But sexual monogamy from an evolution point of view is not a good idea."

• The speaker challenges the traditional view of monogamy, arguing that it is not naturally ingrained in human behavior.

• Dr. Anna Machin's work focuses on the neuroscience of love, attraction, and attachment styles.
• Different brain areas are involved in partner selection, including unconscious sensory processing.
• Women have the ability to smell genetic compatibility, which plays a role in attraction.

"When we look for a partner, we don't know we're doing it, and it involves two very distinct areas of the brain."

• The unconscious brain processes sensory information to assess potential partners, highlighting the complexity of human attraction.

• The cultural perception of fathers as less important is challenged; fathers have a critical role in child development.
• Dr. Machin's research indicates that fathers undergo biological and psychological changes when they become parents.
• The societal undervaluation of fathers is attributed to cultural factors, not biological ones.

"The way our culture treats fathers is wrong. The myths we carry about fathers are wrong. Men have a very specific role in child development."

• Fathers play a fundamental role in child development, contrary to common cultural beliefs.

• The rise of individualism has shifted relationship goals, with more women prioritizing personal achievements over traditional family structures.
• Romantic love is no longer the sole focus for many, with friendships and chosen families gaining importance.
• There is a notable increase in post-menopausal women initiating divorces, reflecting changing needs and priorities.

"We've become a more individualistic society. So we are looking more at yes what do I want rather than what in a way contributes to community."

• The shift towards individualism has transformed how people view relationships, with personal goals often taking precedence.

• Human attraction involves both unconscious and conscious brain processes.
• Men and women have different unconscious criteria for assessing potential partners, such as waist-hip ratio for men and shoulder-waist ratio for women.
• The brain calculates biological market value to assess reproductive success likelihood.

"Human love is special because it involves two very distinct areas of the brain."

• The complex interplay between different brain regions underscores the multifaceted nature of human attraction.

• Certain activities can enhance attraction by stimulating the release of hormones like oxytocin and dopamine.
• Engaging in activities like dancing or shared laughter can increase the likelihood of forming a connection.

"The way you can hack your first date is you can do an activity which releases beta-endorphin and dopamine and oxytocin."

• Participating in activities that trigger positive hormonal responses can increase attraction and connection between individuals.

• Dating apps have changed the dating landscape, offering low-cost, low-investment opportunities to meet people.
• The paradox of choice and limited sensory information can hinder effective partner selection.
• Dating apps serve as introduction platforms rather than tools for deep connection.

"I don't think they should be called dating apps. I think they should be called introduction apps."

• Dating apps provide initial introductions but lack the depth needed for meaningful relationship building.

• Monogamy involves exclusive sexual and social relationships, while polyamory allows for multiple romantic connections.
• Satisfaction levels in monogamous and polyamorous relationships are similar, challenging assumptions about relationship happiness.

"Monogamy is a relationship state where there are two people... There's sexual monogamy that is you are exclusive to that other person sexually."

• Both monogamous and polyamorous relationships can yield high levels of satisfaction, suggesting that relationship structure does not solely determine happiness.

• Monogamy is often perceived as two people being exclusive in love, sex, and possibly living arrangements, but it is largely a social construct rather than a biological imperative.
• Humans are not naturally monogamous; very few species are truly monogamous, with infidelity rates in humans around 50%.
• Social monogamy involves living together, but not necessarily sexual exclusivity, as seen in the example of gibbons, which were previously thought to be monogamous.
• Monogamy has been imposed in many societies as a form of control, often supported by religious and legal rules, to maintain predictability and order.

"Monogamy itself is a social construct mostly. We are not a monogamous species."

• The quote highlights the distinction between social expectations and biological tendencies regarding monogamy.

"In fact, from an evolutionary point of view, being sexually monogamous is a really quite bad idea because you are limiting yourself to a very narrow gene pool."

• This emphasizes the evolutionary disadvantage of sexual monogamy due to restricted genetic diversity.

• Polyamory involves having multiple emotionally intimate relationships, whereas open relationships focus on sexual non-exclusivity.
• Polyamorous individuals argue that their lifestyle is more truthful and morally honest as it aligns with natural human drives.
• Open communication and consent are crucial in polyamorous relationships, with continuous dialogue about boundaries and satisfaction.

"Polyamorous people say actually it's the more truthful way of being human because all they're doing is following their drives."

• The quote reflects the belief that polyamory is a more authentic expression of human nature.

"Polyamorous relationships tend to be based on very open communication."

• This underscores the importance of transparency and dialogue in maintaining healthy polyamorous relationships.

• Different cultures have various practices regarding marriage and relationships, such as polygyny in some Islamic cultures and polyandry in certain Nepalese societies.
• Economic and environmental factors often influence the development of these relationship structures.

"In Nepal... one woman will marry all the brothers so that when they inherit the farm, they will all get it will carry on passing down essentially."

• This example illustrates how economic considerations can shape marital practices.

• Fathers play a crucial role in a child's development, providing a unique form of attachment based on nurturing and challenge.
• Fathers help develop a child's social skills, emotional regulation, and resilience, which are essential for thriving in the world.
• The presence of a father or father figure significantly impacts a child's mental health and social behavior.

"Fathers scaffold the child's entry into the world beyond the family."

• The quote highlights the father's role in preparing the child for social interactions and challenges outside the family unit.

"Fathers have a greater role in instilling appropriate learning behavior."

• This emphasizes the father's influence on a child's educational and social conduct.

• Men experience hormonal changes, such as a decrease in testosterone, when they become fathers, which aids in bonding and caregiving.
• These changes enhance a father's empathy and emotional sensitivity, contributing to a stronger bond with the child.

"The most studied and I think probably the most significant is the drop in testosterone that occurs when you become a father."

• The quote highlights the biological adaptation that facilitates fatherhood.

"Men with lower testosterone tend to be more motivated to care for children."

• This indicates the correlation between hormonal levels and paternal caregiving behavior.

• The absence of a father figure can lead to negative outcomes in children, such as increased antisocial behavior and mental health issues.
• Children often perceive their importance to their fathers through the time spent together, which is crucial for their self-esteem.

"The relationship you have with your dad, particularly the attachment relationship you have... is important."

• This underscores the significance of a secure attachment with a father figure for a child's well-being.

"If I give my time to you as a child... that is what underpins how important that child feels."

• The quote emphasizes the value of quality time in reinforcing a child's sense of worth.

• The roles of mothers and fathers have evolved to complement each other, with each contributing uniquely to a child's upbringing.
• In the absence of one parent, the remaining parent or caregivers can adapt to fulfill the necessary roles for the child's development.

"The roles of a mom and a dad in a heterosexual relationship have evolved to kind of complement each other."

• This indicates the complementary nature of traditional parental roles.

"The human parenting brain is astonishingly plastic and it will adapt to make sure that child gets what it needs."

• The quote highlights the adaptability of parental roles to ensure a child's needs are met, regardless of family structure.

• The podcast discusses the growing trend of fatherlessness in Western societies, emphasizing the importance of having a father or father figure in a child's life.
• The absence of biological fathers is increasing due to cultural acceptance of divorce, longer lifespans, and shorter-lasting relationships.
• The role of fathers is crucial for the development of both boys and girls, and alternative father figures can be beneficial.

"Are we getting more fatherless as a western society? It would seem so at the moment in terms of biological fathers. Yes. Unfortunately, and that's one of the things that we really need to focus on."

• The quote highlights the increasing trend of fatherlessness and the need to address the issue.

"Is there anything better than a biological father? Yes, a father. There is. So even if it's a sort of a stepfather or if it's because you don't get to become a father indeed you don't get to become a mother just because you happen to conceive a child."

• This quote emphasizes that the role of a father can be fulfilled by non-biological figures, underscoring the importance of the fatherly role over biological connection.

• Father figures play a crucial role in a child's development, regardless of biological ties.
• Interaction with a father figure leads to hormonal, brain, and psychological changes beneficial to the child.
• The presence of a father figure is linked to better outcomes in children, including academic success and mental health.

"So you really you're making the case for father figures in a child's life versus and a child growing up without a father figure at all, yes, is going to have worse outcomes."

• This quote asserts the importance of having a father figure to improve child development outcomes.

"It's also really critical for girls that they have a father figure around."

• The quote highlights the significance of father figures not only for boys but also for girls, affecting various aspects of their lives.

• Fathers are crucial from the moment a child is born, contributing to the child's brain development and social growth.
• The misconception that fathers are only important after the child is two years old is challenged.
• Fathers provide essential sensory input and interaction necessary for early brain development.

"You are absolutely critical. From the moment that baby is born, you are critical."

• This quote stresses the importance of a father's role from birth, countering the belief that fathers are only needed later.

"The environment in which you grow up is critical. And who is really important in the social bit? The dad."

• The quote explains the father's role in shaping the child's environment and social development from an early age.

• The discussion touches on optimal parenting configurations, emphasizing the need for both parents' involvement.
• The importance of a supportive environment and flexible arrangements to accommodate both parents' roles is highlighted.
• The transition to parenthood is discussed, with emphasis on the psychological changes and bonding processes for fathers.

"Happy parents make happy babies. So, first of all, you have to do what works for you and everybody's circumstances are different."

• This quote underscores the need for parents to find a balance that works for their unique situation to ensure the well-being of the child.

"Men who get that chance transition to parenthood much quicker because they reach competency quicker."

• The quote highlights the benefits of early and active involvement of fathers in their child's life for faster transition and bonding.

• The potential for creating "love drugs" that could enhance feelings of love and empathy is explored.
• Oxytocin and MDMA (ecstasy) are discussed as substances that could be used to manipulate feelings of love and attachment.
• Ethical concerns regarding the use of such drugs, including issues of consent and long-term effects, are raised.

"We could finally produce the elixir of love."

• This quote introduces the concept of chemically inducing love, a longstanding human fascination.

"The issue with love drugs is they will probably come because they will be hugely commercially successful if they get a commercial license."

• The quote raises concerns about the commercialization and ethical implications of love drugs.

• Attachment styles are defined and their impact on relationships is discussed.
• The four types of attachment styles (secure, preoccupied, fearful avoidant, and dismissing avoidant) are explained.
• Modern society's influence on attachment styles, particularly a decrease in comfort with intimacy, is explored.

"Attachment relationships are very rare in your life."

• This quote emphasizes the rarity and significance of attachment relationships.

"I think we are getting less comfortable with intimacy and I think that's partly because we are not as practiced at it as we used to be."

• The quote suggests a societal shift towards less comfort with intimate relationships due to changes in social interaction patterns.

• Dopamine provides a short-term reward but is insufficient alone for long-term happiness or social connection.
• Over-reliance on dopamine-inducing activities like social media or pornography can lead to avoidant behaviors in relationships.
• A full cocktail of social chemicals is necessary for health and social behavior benefits.

"Dopamine is very short-lasting. On its own, it doesn't underpin your immune system or your health in any way. You need the full lot."

• This quote emphasizes that dopamine alone is not enough for sustaining health or social relationships.

• People with avoidant attachment styles may go on numerous dates without forming real connections.
• Attachment styles, such as dismissing avoidant or fearful avoidant, are often influenced by early childhood experiences.
• Insecure attachment styles can result from a lack of brain architecture to support social behavior due to early parental absence.

"They certainly have a higher probability of having an insecure attachment style because...the environment in which you're being cared for is going to shape that brain."

• This quote highlights the impact of early childhood care on the development of attachment styles.

• Attachment styles can change with evidence that counteracts existing beliefs.
• Being conscious of one's attachment style and its impact on relationships is crucial.
• Support from friends, family, or professionals can aid in shifting attachment styles.

"If you are conscious enough to recognize that pattern, then you can do work on yourself or you can ask your friends to help you."

• The quote underscores the importance of self-awareness and support in changing attachment behaviors.

• Neurodiverse individuals, such as those with ADHD or autism, face unique challenges in relationships due to differences in neurochemistry and brain function.
• Executive function, emotional regulation, and sensory processing are areas impacted in neurodiverse individuals.
• Neurodiverse individuals may engage in dopamine-seeking behaviors, affecting relationship dynamics.

"For example, people with ADHD might build to anger quicker than people who don't have it."

• This quote explains how differences in emotional regulation can complicate relationships for neurodiverse individuals.

• ADHD can lead to impulsivity and novelty-seeking behavior, which may result in short-term relationships.
• While ADHD individuals may report higher rates of infidelity, the effect size in studies is not overwhelming.
• Understanding and adapting to the needs of a neurodiverse partner is crucial for relationship success.

"People with ADHD are more likely to have many more short-term relationships because they get bored quite easily."

• The quote highlights the tendency of ADHD individuals to seek novelty, impacting relationship stability.

• Relationships are the most significant factor in health, longevity, and well-being, surpassing lifestyle habits like diet and exercise.
• The rise of digital communication has diminished the quality of in-person relationships, affecting health outcomes.
• Nurturing relationships in person is essential for mental and physical health.

"Your relationships are the biggest factor in your health, well-being, and longevity above all else."

• This quote emphasizes the critical role of relationships in overall health and well-being.

• AI technologies, like chatbots, can support social interaction for individuals with social anxiety or neurodiversity.
• While AI can be beneficial, it should not replace human contact as it lacks the neurochemical benefits of human interaction.
• The development of AI in intimate relationships requires careful consideration of its implications.

"You can build an attachment to a chatbot. It's a parasocial relationship."

• This quote warns against replacing human relationships with AI, as it lacks the same emotional and health benefits.

• Fathers often feel unimportant or secondary in parenting roles, particularly during birth and antenatal experiences.
• Legal systems may be biased against fathers in custody arrangements, reflecting outdated assumptions about parental roles.
• Increasing awareness of the importance of fathers can improve family dynamics and child development outcomes.

"I'm made to feel like a secondary parent, like a bag carrier or the person who makes the tea."

• This quote captures the sentiment of fathers feeling undervalued in their parental role.