Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist turned dating coach and Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, debunks common dating myths and shares insights for finding love in her book "How to Not Die Alone." She emphasizes the importance of moving beyond superficial qualities like looks and money, and instead focusing on kindness, loyalty, and emotional stability in a partner. Ury advises against the 'spark'—immediate chemistry that often fizzles—and instead suggests looking for a 'slow burn' with someone who brings out the best in you. Her research-backed approach includes the "Post-Date Eight," a set of questions encouraging reflection on personal feelings post-date rather than evaluating the other person against a checklist. Ury also provides practical tips for creating a successful dating profile on Hinge, highlighting the need for clear headshots, showcasing a varied social life, and using specific details in prompts to tell a compelling story.
"But there's a lot of great relationship science out there, and this might be the number one thing that I want people to take away."
The quote emphasizes the importance of utilizing relationship science to improve one's approach to finding love.
"So if you're Logan Yori hinges dating scientists from Harvard. She's renowned for her data driven approach to help millions of people find love."
The quote introduces Logan Ury and her data-driven methodology for assisting people in their search for love.
"Big things in my work are the spark, the post eight, and the three dating tendencies."
The quote outlines the three major concepts in Logan Ury's work that influence dating and relationship outcomes.
"If you are single and you don't want to be, at some point you have to realize you are choosing a set of problems."
The quote suggests that being single by choice involves accepting certain problems or challenges that come with it.
"But the number one way that couples are meeting is online."
This quote highlights the significance of online platforms, like dating apps, in modern relationship formation.
"I remember crying on my friend's couch, not understanding, why doesn't this person want to be with me?"
The quote reflects the emotional turmoil experienced when caught in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic.
"We were born knowing how to love, but we're not born knowing how to date."
This quote underlines the distinction between the innate ability to love and the learned skill of dating effectively.
"So dating this secure person made me so much more secure where I broke out of the anxious avoidant loop."
The quote illustrates how a secure partner can positively influence one's attachment style and relationship health.
"But people get so addicted to the fuck boys and to the partial reward schedule that they're trapped in this cycle."
The quote addresses the allure of unpredictability in partners and the difficulty in appreciating the stability of secure partners.
"The research shows that when people work on it, about 25% of people are able to change their attachment style."
This quote provides hope that attachment styles can be modified through dedicated personal work.
"going to the movies, doing something else, texting a friend and saying, I really want to text the guy I'm interested in, but he hasn't texted me back, so I'm texting you instead."
This quote illustrates the concept of redirecting one's attention to avoid dwelling on a lack of response from someone of interest. It's relevant as it provides a practical example of how to distract oneself from overthinking in a dating context.
"Disconfirming evidence would be maybe he has a really busy week at work. He mentioned that he has a big project or perhaps he's not feeling well. What are the other reasons that he could not be getting in touch with you?"
The quote emphasizes the importance of considering other plausible reasons for someone's behavior, particularly when the immediate assumption is negative. It's relevant because it demonstrates a method for preventing the escalation of unwarranted concerns in a relationship.
"So when I hear that, I'm like, oh, there's something in the dynamic where you, as an avoidant attached person, you doing the chasing, that was breaking a pattern for you."
This quote is significant as it questions the change in dynamic when an avoidant individual decides to pursue their partner, indicating a break from their typical attachment behavior. It's relevant because it points to personal growth and the potential positive outcomes from changing established patterns.
"That's the moment of growth. That's why I do the work that I do. That's why I coach, because we can just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again."
The quote highlights the transformative power of choosing a different, more positive action in response to a situation, which can lead to personal growth and improved relationships. It's relevant as it underscores the core message of being able to break free from negative cycles through conscious choice.
"So the mathematically correct answer is that you go through the first 37 people. 37%, and you say, who was the single best person of that 37%? That's now your benchmark person."
This quote outlines the Secretary Problem's solution, which proposes a strategy for making a choice in a sequential decision-making process, such as hiring or dating. It's relevant as it provides a logical framework for making decisions in scenarios where options are presented sequentially and cannot be revisited.
"So the strategies for the anxious attached, I talked about them before, but I'll say them again."
The quote introduces strategies to help individuals with anxious attachment cope with their triggers and avoid negative behaviors. It's relevant because it offers practical advice for those struggling with anxiety in relationships, aiming to foster healthier interactions.
"I think it's important to let you know that. Just remember, people do what they want to do."
This quote serves as a reminder that actions often reflect a person's true intentions and interests. It's relevant because it advises on how to interpret someone's level of interest through their actions, particularly in the context of dating and digital communication.
"So, really, this is the culmination of a lot of my research, the idea that I've worked with hundreds of people, now thousands of people in my classes, and most people suffer from one of these dating tendencies."
The quote introduces a framework developed from extensive research and experience with individuals' dating behaviors. It's relevant because it provides a structured way to understand and address common obstacles people face in their pursuit of romantic relationships.
"The environment plays a huge role in how we feel connected to people."
This quote emphasizes the importance of the setting in which a date takes place, highlighting that it's not just the people involved but also the environment that can determine the success of the interaction.
"Sober dating has become a much bigger thing with Gen Z leading the charge."
This quote highlights a trend in dating culture, particularly among younger generations, who prefer to engage in dates without the influence of alcohol, aiming for genuine connections and better mental health.
"What does a Scientist do? They have a hypothesis, they test it, and they're open to being proven wrong."
This quote suggests applying a methodical, experimental approach to dating, where one tests different types of dates and remains open to unexpected results, thus potentially finding success in unexpected places.
"Good phone hygiene. But people don't understand how much their phones are getting in the way of connection."
This quote stresses the negative impact that phones and other distractions can have on the quality of a date, advocating for a conscious effort to minimize such disruptions to foster a deeper connection.
"Share stories, not facts."
This quote captures the essence of creating a deeper connection on dates by emphasizing the importance of sharing personal narratives and emotions rather than just exchanging factual information.
"I thought vulnerability was a repellent. Turns out it's a magnet."
This quote reflects the speaker's personal revelation that being vulnerable, contrary to his expectations, has been a key factor in forming closer and more meaningful relationships.
"You think you know what you want, but you're wrong."
This quote challenges the notion that people know exactly what they want in a partner and suggests that being open to different types of people can lead to more fulfilling relationships.
"Are we laughing together? Do I feel desired in their presence? Do they make me feel more energized or less energized? And finally, what side of me do they bring out? Because whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship."
The quote emphasizes the importance of shared experiences and personal feelings in the presence of a partner, highlighting that these factors shape one's identity within the relationship.
"My slogan, my motto has become fuck the spark and the spark is this idea that we go after the all encompassing initial chemistry, the fireworks. But the spark often leads to relationships that burn out."
This quote criticizes the overemphasis on initial chemistry in dating, suggesting that it is not a reliable indicator of long-term relationship success.
"The same thing works with the post eight, because I have to answer at the end of the date, what side of me did they bring out? How did I feel in my body?"
The quote explains how the Post-Date Eight prompts daters to be mindful of their feelings and the impact of their dates, similar to how gratitude journals encourage a focus on positivity.
"So the first one is looks, of course, you should be attracted to the person, but the truth is that we have adaptation."
The quote highlights that while attraction is necessary, the significance of looks diminishes over time due to the brain's tendency to adapt.
"So, relationship science research shows that some of these things are really important and that people underestimate their importance for relationship success."
The quote emphasizes that certain character traits, which may be overlooked, are actually vital according to relationship science research.
"You're not looking for a person with whom you don't fight. You're looking for a person with whom you fight well and whose set of problems you can deal with."
The quote stresses the importance of healthy conflict resolution and accepting that disagreements are inevitable in relationships.
"So my advice is less focus on how long you should date before you get engaged or how long you should be engaged before you get married and more like, are you having the explicit conversations about what you want?"
The quote advises that the timing of relationship milestones is less important than ensuring both partners have explicit conversations about their desires and expectations.
"Since 2017, the number one way that couples are meeting is online."
The quote provides evidence of the significant role online dating plays in modern relationships.
"Your profile is telling a story. Who are you? Show us different sides of yourself, and you want to start with a clear headshot."
The quote outlines the importance of a clear and comprehensive dating profile that provides a snapshot of who you are.
"Great sex is the deep connection that comes from being fully present, taking risks, attuning yourself to the other person, and really allowing yourself to experience pleasure."
The quote defines great sex as a profound and immersive experience that arises from a strong emotional and physical connection with a partner.