The Love Expert Why Women Are Addicted To Fk Boys & Why You Should Have A 'Boring' Relationship Instead! Logan Ury

Logan Ury, a behavioral scientist turned dating coach and Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, debunks common dating myths and shares insights for finding love in her book "How to Not Die Alone." She emphasizes the importance of moving beyond superficial qualities like looks and money, and instead focusing on kindness, loyalty, and emotional stability in a partner. Ury advises against the 'spark'—immediate chemistry that often fizzles—and instead suggests looking for a 'slow burn' with someone who brings out the best in you. Her research-backed approach includes the "Post-Date Eight," a set of questions encouraging reflection on personal feelings post-date rather than evaluating the other person against a checklist. Ury also provides practical tips for creating a successful dating profile on Hinge, highlighting the need for clear headshots, showcasing a varied social life, and using specific details in prompts to tell a compelling story.

• Most people desire love, but often misunderstand what they truly need in a partner.
• Relationship science offers insights into better dating practices and choices.
• The key takeaway is to learn from relationship science to make better relationship decisions.

"But there's a lot of great relationship science out there, and this might be the number one thing that I want people to take away."

The quote emphasizes the importance of utilizing relationship science to improve one's approach to finding love.

• Logan Ury is a dating scientist from Harvard who uses data to help people find love.
• Her work involves understanding what makes relationships successful and how to find a compatible partner.

"So if you're Logan Yori hinges dating scientists from Harvard. She's renowned for her data driven approach to help millions of people find love."

The quote introduces Logan Ury and her data-driven methodology for assisting people in their search for love.

• The spark is the initial chemistry that can lead to short-lived relationships.
• Post-date eight refers to eight questions to ask oneself after a date to train the brain for new dating habits.
• Three dating tendencies are common patterns that hinder people from finding love.

"Big things in my work are the spark, the post eight, and the three dating tendencies."

The quote outlines the three major concepts in Logan Ury's work that influence dating and relationship outcomes.

• Good relationships are a result of good choices, often with partners different from one's initial expectations.
• Being single and not wanting to be indicates a pattern of problematic choices.
• People confuse minor issues for deal-breakers and resist meeting partners through effective means like dating apps.

"If you are single and you don't want to be, at some point you have to realize you are choosing a set of problems."

The quote suggests that being single by choice involves accepting certain problems or challenges that come with it.

• Hinge is a dating app focused on creating relationships rather than prolonged app usage.
• The app's success is measured by the real-world relationships it helps form.
• Word of mouth from successful couples is a key referral system for the app.

"But the number one way that couples are meeting is online."

This quote highlights the significance of online platforms, like dating apps, in modern relationship formation.

• Logan Ury relates her own experience with an avoidant partner from Burning Man.
• She discusses the anxious-avoidant loop and how it perpetuates unhealthy relationship patterns.
• Hiring a dating coach helped her recognize her desired feelings in a relationship and led her to her now-husband.

"I remember crying on my friend's couch, not understanding, why doesn't this person want to be with me?"

The quote reflects the emotional turmoil experienced when caught in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic.

• Attachment theory explains how childhood attachment styles influence adult romantic relationships.
• Anxiously attached individuals fear abandonment, while avoidant attached individuals fear being smothered.
• Secure attachment is ideal, but often overlooked due to misconceptions about security equating to boredom.

"We were born knowing how to love, but we're not born knowing how to date."

This quote underlines the distinction between the innate ability to love and the learned skill of dating effectively.

• Attachment styles can trigger behaviors in relationships that lead to the anxious-avoidant loop.
• Understanding and addressing one's attachment style can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.
• Secure partners can help break the cycle of the anxious-avoidant loop and lead to more secure attachment.

"So dating this secure person made me so much more secure where I broke out of the anxious avoidant loop."

The quote illustrates how a secure partner can positively influence one's attachment style and relationship health.

• Secure partners are often mislabeled as boring, leading people to pursue less stable relationships.
• Training oneself to appreciate secure partners is crucial for long-term relationship success.
• Securely attached individuals are valuable in the relationship world, despite being less sought after initially.

"But people get so addicted to the fuck boys and to the partial reward schedule that they're trapped in this cycle."

The quote addresses the allure of unpredictability in partners and the difficulty in appreciating the stability of secure partners.

• It is possible to change one's attachment style with effort and self-awareness.
• Strategies for avoidant attached individuals include clear communication and focusing on positive aspects of partners.
• Anxious attached individuals benefit from self-regulation and seeking secure partners.

"The research shows that when people work on it, about 25% of people are able to change their attachment style."

This quote provides hope that attachment styles can be modified through dedicated personal work.

• Distracting oneself is a technique to prevent overthinking and creating problems prematurely.
• Engaging in other activities like going to the movies or texting a friend can help redirect focus.
• The goal is to avoid jumping to negative conclusions without sufficient evidence.

"going to the movies, doing something else, texting a friend and saying, I really want to text the guy I'm interested in, but he hasn't texted me back, so I'm texting you instead."

This quote illustrates the concept of redirecting one's attention to avoid dwelling on a lack of response from someone of interest. It's relevant as it provides a practical example of how to distract oneself from overthinking in a dating context.

• Disconfirming evidence involves considering alternative explanations for a situation.
• This strategy is used to challenge negative assumptions and avoid creating unnecessary problems.
• It requires considering other reasons why an expected outcome hasn't occurred.

"Disconfirming evidence would be maybe he has a really busy week at work. He mentioned that he has a big project or perhaps he's not feeling well. What are the other reasons that he could not be getting in touch with you?"

The quote emphasizes the importance of considering other plausible reasons for someone's behavior, particularly when the immediate assumption is negative. It's relevant because it demonstrates a method for preventing the escalation of unwarranted concerns in a relationship.

• Discusses the dynamic of one partner chasing and the other running, often found in avoidant attachment styles.
• Breaking this pattern involves actions that are contrary to one's usual behavior, such as an avoidant person taking on the role of the pursuer.
• The story shared highlights the importance of growth and making different choices to achieve different outcomes.

"So when I hear that, I'm like, oh, there's something in the dynamic where you, as an avoidant attached person, you doing the chasing, that was breaking a pattern for you."

This quote is significant as it questions the change in dynamic when an avoidant individual decides to pursue their partner, indicating a break from their typical attachment behavior. It's relevant because it points to personal growth and the potential positive outcomes from changing established patterns.

• Growth in relationships is linked to the choices and actions individuals take.
• The story shared exemplifies growth by choosing a compassionate response over a dismissive one.
• Recognizing the importance of making conscious choices can lead to overcoming negative behavioral trends.

"That's the moment of growth. That's why I do the work that I do. That's why I coach, because we can just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again."

The quote highlights the transformative power of choosing a different, more positive action in response to a situation, which can lead to personal growth and improved relationships. It's relevant as it underscores the core message of being able to break free from negative cycles through conscious choice.

• The Secretary Problem is a mathematical concept applied to dating to determine when to stop looking for a partner.
• Optimal Stopping Theory suggests going through a certain percentage of options before setting a benchmark and choosing the next best option that exceeds it.
• This theory challenges the notion of waiting for a perfect match and emphasizes making a choice based on good options already encountered.

"So the mathematically correct answer is that you go through the first 37 people. 37%, and you say, who was the single best person of that 37%? That's now your benchmark person."

This quote outlines the Secretary Problem's solution, which proposes a strategy for making a choice in a sequential decision-making process, such as hiring or dating. It's relevant as it provides a logical framework for making decisions in scenarios where options are presented sequentially and cannot be revisited.

• Anxious attachment is characterized by fear of abandonment and behaviors aimed at seeking reassurance.
• Strategies for managing anxious attachment include distraction, reaching out to friends, and seeking disconfirming evidence.
• Understanding and choosing different reactions to triggers can help break negative behavioral patterns.

"So the strategies for the anxious attached, I talked about them before, but I'll say them again."

The quote introduces strategies to help individuals with anxious attachment cope with their triggers and avoid negative behaviors. It's relevant because it offers practical advice for those struggling with anxiety in relationships, aiming to foster healthier interactions.

• Recognizing signs of interest and rejection is crucial in dating.
• Digital Body Language (DBL) is a concept that translates the interpretation of physical body language to digital communication.
• Understanding and accepting rejection can prevent individuals from pursuing uninterested parties and focus on more promising connections.

"I think it's important to let you know that. Just remember, people do what they want to do."

This quote serves as a reminder that actions often reflect a person's true intentions and interests. It's relevant because it advises on how to interpret someone's level of interest through their actions, particularly in the context of dating and digital communication.

• The three dating tendencies framework categorizes people's dating behaviors based on unrealistic expectations.
• Romanticizers have unrealistic expectations of relationships, Maximizers of their partners, and Hesitators of themselves.
• Identifying one's dating tendency can help address the underlying issues preventing successful dating experiences.

"So, really, this is the culmination of a lot of my research, the idea that I've worked with hundreds of people, now thousands of people in my classes, and most people suffer from one of these dating tendencies."

The quote introduces a framework developed from extensive research and experience with individuals' dating behaviors. It's relevant because it provides a structured way to understand and address common obstacles people face in their pursuit of romantic relationships.

• The environment significantly influences the connection felt during a date.
• Different settings can lead to varying levels of interest, even with the same person.
• Creating a flirtatious, romantic environment is crucial for a successful date.
• Eye contact can make communication harder; sitting side by side can ease pressure and enhance connection.
• Changing the type of date, such as trying a wine bar instead of a daytime walk, can yield different results.

"The environment plays a huge role in how we feel connected to people."

This quote emphasizes the importance of the setting in which a date takes place, highlighting that it's not just the people involved but also the environment that can determine the success of the interaction.

• Sober dating is gaining popularity, especially among Gen Z, for authenticity and mental health reasons.
• Bars in New York are normalizing sober dates with zero-proof menus.
• Dates should bring out parts of your personality that are usually hidden, such as a silly or playful side.
• Activities like playing ping pong or ice skating can help reveal these aspects.
• Long-term relationships thrive on fun and playfulness, not on fulfilling roles or ticking boxes.
• A good date environment allows for vulnerability and realness, rather than just showcasing perfection.

"Sober dating has become a much bigger thing with Gen Z leading the charge."

This quote highlights a trend in dating culture, particularly among younger generations, who prefer to engage in dates without the influence of alcohol, aiming for genuine connections and better mental health.

• Adopting a scientific approach to dating involves testing hypotheses and being open to new outcomes.
• Challenging preconceived notions, such as the effectiveness of coffee dates or height preferences, can open up new possibilities.
• Adjusting dating app filters to be less restrictive can lead to discovering more compatible partners.
• It's important to explore different aspects of potential partners beyond superficial characteristics.

"What does a Scientist do? They have a hypothesis, they test it, and they're open to being proven wrong."

This quote suggests applying a methodical, experimental approach to dating, where one tests different types of dates and remains open to unexpected results, thus potentially finding success in unexpected places.

• Good dating hygiene involves being present and attentive, without distractions from technology.
• Distraction-free dating enhances the depth of conversation and connection.
• Phones, even if not actively used, can hinder deep conversations.
• Clearing up any pending conversations or commitments before a date can help maintain focus.
• Making post-date plans solid beforehand prevents distractions during the date.

"Good phone hygiene. But people don't understand how much their phones are getting in the way of connection."

This quote stresses the negative impact that phones and other distractions can have on the quality of a date, advocating for a conscious effort to minimize such disruptions to foster a deeper connection.

• Sharing emotional vulnerability and stories rather than just facts can lead to more meaningful connections.
• People are naturally drawn to others who are real and open about their imperfections.
• Being vulnerable and sharing personal struggles or challenges can make others feel safe to open up in return.
• The goal is to show authenticity, not a flawless facade, which allows for genuine connections.

"Share stories, not facts."

This quote captures the essence of creating a deeper connection on dates by emphasizing the importance of sharing personal narratives and emotions rather than just exchanging factual information.

• Vulnerability can be a powerful tool for creating connections.
• People with low self-esteem may struggle more with vulnerability, trying to present a perfect image.
• Being honest and open about imperfections can lead to unexpected and stronger connections.
• Vulnerability can also encourage others to share, creating a cycle of deepening trust and intimacy.

"I thought vulnerability was a repellent. Turns out it's a magnet."

This quote reflects the speaker's personal revelation that being vulnerable, contrary to his expectations, has been a key factor in forming closer and more meaningful relationships.

• The concept of "relation shopping" is flawed; it focuses on superficial attributes rather than the quality of the relationship.
• "Relationship shipping" is about seeking a long-term partner and investing in building a connection.
• People often don't know what they truly want; being open to different types of partners can lead to more successful relationships.
• It's important to focus on how you feel around someone and the side of you they bring out, rather than checking off a list of traits.

"You think you know what you want, but you're wrong."

This quote challenges the notion that people know exactly what they want in a partner and suggests that being open to different types of people can lead to more fulfilling relationships.

• The experiential mindset focuses on the quality of experiences with a partner rather than checklist attributes.
• Key aspects include shared laughter, feeling desired, energy levels around the partner, and which side of oneself the partner brings out.
• This mindset influences who you will become within the relationship.

"Are we laughing together? Do I feel desired in their presence? Do they make me feel more energized or less energized? And finally, what side of me do they bring out? Because whoever that person brings out in you is who you will be for the rest of your life in that relationship."

The quote emphasizes the importance of shared experiences and personal feelings in the presence of a partner, highlighting that these factors shape one's identity within the relationship.

• The Post-Date Eight is a set of questions from Logan Ury's book used to evaluate dates.
• It helps shift focus from initial chemistry ("the spark") to more sustainable qualities ("the slow burn").
• The questions encourage reflection on the quality of interaction and personal feelings after a date.

"My slogan, my motto has become fuck the spark and the spark is this idea that we go after the all encompassing initial chemistry, the fireworks. But the spark often leads to relationships that burn out."

This quote criticizes the overemphasis on initial chemistry in dating, suggesting that it is not a reliable indicator of long-term relationship success.

• Gratitude journals train the brain to notice positive aspects of life.
• The Post-Date Eight similarly trains daters to be mindful of how they feel during and after dates, rather than focusing on a partner's resume qualities.

"The same thing works with the post eight, because I have to answer at the end of the date, what side of me did they bring out? How did I feel in my body?"

The quote explains how the Post-Date Eight prompts daters to be mindful of their feelings and the impact of their dates, similar to how gratitude journals encourage a focus on positivity.

• Looks, money, and having similar personalities or hobbies are often overvalued in relationship success.
• Adaptation to circumstances, such as looks and wealth, reduces their long-term importance.
• Complementary personalities can be more beneficial than similar ones.

"So the first one is looks, of course, you should be attracted to the person, but the truth is that we have adaptation."

The quote highlights that while attraction is necessary, the significance of looks diminishes over time due to the brain's tendency to adapt.

• Kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, decision-making ability, and conflict resolution skills are critical for relationship success.
• These qualities are often underestimated but are fundamental to a healthy, long-term partnership.

"So, relationship science research shows that some of these things are really important and that people underestimate their importance for relationship success."

The quote emphasizes that certain character traits, which may be overlooked, are actually vital according to relationship science research.

• Most fights in relationships are perpetual and not about finding solutions but about managing differences.
• Fighting well involves respect, communication, and understanding that conflicts are part of any relationship.

"You're not looking for a person with whom you don't fight. You're looking for a person with whom you fight well and whose set of problems you can deal with."

The quote stresses the importance of healthy conflict resolution and accepting that disagreements are inevitable in relationships.

• Moving through relationship milestones should be intentional and discussed (deciding), not accidental (sliding).
• Conversations about life goals, values, and expectations are crucial for relationship progression.

"So my advice is less focus on how long you should date before you get engaged or how long you should be engaged before you get married and more like, are you having the explicit conversations about what you want?"

The quote advises that the timing of relationship milestones is less important than ensuring both partners have explicit conversations about their desires and expectations.

• Dating apps have expanded dating opportunities, especially for those in thin dating markets.
• They have been a net positive by facilitating connections that might not have occurred otherwise.

"Since 2017, the number one way that couples are meeting is online."

The quote provides evidence of the significant role online dating plays in modern relationships.

• A clear headshot, variety in photos, and a mix of humor and vulnerability in prompts are key.
• Specificity and storytelling are essential in creating an engaging and authentic dating profile.

"Your profile is telling a story. Who are you? Show us different sides of yourself, and you want to start with a clear headshot."

The quote outlines the importance of a clear and comprehensive dating profile that provides a snapshot of who you are.

• Great sex is characterized by being fully present, deeply connected, and losing oneself in the moment.
• It involves feeling safe, turned on, and being able to express oneself fully with a partner.

"Great sex is the deep connection that comes from being fully present, taking risks, attuning yourself to the other person, and really allowing yourself to experience pleasure."

The quote defines great sex as a profound and immersive experience that arises from a strong emotional and physical connection with a partner.