Speed Dates: You Gotta Have A Carrot (w/ Jordan Carlos)

Comedian, writer, and actor Jordan Carlos joins host Joel Kim Booster to discuss his upcoming book, "The Marriage Saving Magic of Getting Your Head Out of Your Ass," which explores themes of partnership and personal growth in marriage. Carlos shares insights from his 19-year marriage, emphasizing the importance of contributing to household responsibilities and understanding one's partner. He introduces the concept of "Chore Play," an approach encouraging self-motivation in maintaining a shared living space. Carlos also offers advice on maintaining a strong relationship, including going to bed together and pursuing individual interests. The conversation highlights the evolving nature of love and the importance of mutual support.

• The podcast is called "Bad Dates, the Speed Date edition," which differs from regular episodes by focusing on one-on-one conversations rather than a panel discussion.
• The host introduces the guest, Jordan Carlos, a comedian, writer, and actor known for his work on various shows and co-hosting the podcast "Adulting."

"Hello, hello, hello and welcome to another edition of Bad Dates, the Speed Date edition. For those of you who are just joining us for the very first time, you might not realize this, but a speed date is not a regular episode of the podcast."

• The podcast format is explained, emphasizing a more personal and slower-paced conversation than the typical speed date format.

• Jordan Carlos is introduced as a comedian, writer, and actor with a new book titled "The Marriage Saving Magic of Getting Your Head Out of Your Ass."
• The host humorously labels Jordan as a marriage expert due to his book, though Jordan describes himself as a veteran in marriage.

"Joining me today is a comedian, writer and actor who you've seen in shows like the Nightly Show, Everything's Trash, the Colbert Report and First Wives Club."

• Jordan's career highlights are mentioned, establishing his credibility and experience in the entertainment industry.

• Jordan discusses his long-term marriage of nearly 19 years, describing it as a relationship full of discussions, debates, and shared interests.
• He met his wife in New York City and was initially captivated by her intelligence and accomplishments.

"So I met my wife on 4th Avenue and 13th street in New York City at a club, when you could do that."

• The story of their meeting highlights the serendipitous nature of their relationship and Jordan's admiration for his wife.

• Jordan emphasizes the importance of shared interests, such as history and music, as cornerstones of their relationship.
• He acknowledges differences, like cleanliness habits, and how they have navigated these over time.

"Our marriage has been one of, of just like a lot of, a lot of laughs and a lot of, like a lot of discussion and debate."

• The balance of similarities and differences is portrayed as a key factor in the longevity and success of their marriage.

• Chore Play is introduced as a method for maintaining a healthy relationship by establishing personal standards for cleanliness and organization.
• The concept encourages individuals to take responsibility for their environment, not just to appease their partner.

"Chore Play is to me like a way or an operating system. Right. It's, it's a way to do yourself a favor and stop trying to have your mate or person."

• Chore Play is presented as an empowering approach to relationship dynamics, focusing on personal accountability and mutual respect.

• Discusses the evolution of relationships from the initial romance phase to a partnership phase.
• Emphasizes the importance of having a supportive partner who can share responsibilities.
• Highlights the need for understanding and adapting to each other's strengths and weaknesses.

"You got about 10 good years of romance. And then you need another element. And I've noticed that that is just like partnership."

• This quote underscores the transition from romance to partnership, indicating that long-term relationships require more than just romantic feelings.

• Stresses the significance of taking initiative in household responsibilities for personal satisfaction rather than just to appease a partner.
• Describes the dynamic of one partner being tidier and the other needing to be relaxed to clean, leading to a compromise in shared responsibilities.

"I think is learning to do it for yourself. Because that is something that I definitely struggle with in my own relationship."

• The speaker reflects on the importance of personal motivation in managing household tasks, rather than doing it solely for the partner.

• Explains the concept of creating a personal role within the household to contribute beyond financial support.
• Highlights the importance of inventory management and preparation to avoid unnecessary stress.

"I like to say, like, the devil is in the levels. Like, I check like, the level of milk. I check the level of orange juice."

• The speaker has taken on the responsibility of household inventory, which contributes positively to the household dynamics.

• Describes the positive effects of taking on specific responsibilities on the marriage.
• Emphasizes understanding the partner's need for order and how it contributes to a harmonious relationship.

"Honestly, it's for the better, but it's. It's. It starts with me, and I feel better about what I contribute."

• The speaker feels a sense of fulfillment and improvement in the marriage by contributing in meaningful ways beyond material resources.

• Discusses the importance of understanding why a partner may need things to be neat and organized.
• Acknowledges that rationalizing behavior doesn't always work in a relationship, especially with children involved.

"I was, like, always rationalizing. I was like, what is wrong? Like, things end up on the floor. Like, all systems fall apart."

• The speaker recognizes that rationalization isn't effective in addressing a partner's emotional needs for order and cleanliness.

• Explores the link between household order and intimacy in the relationship.
• Suggests that fulfilling household responsibilities can lead to a more secure and intimate relationship.

"Women, at least as it says are. They need to feel secure in order to hook up, which is another part of the book as well."

• The speaker notes that a clean and organized environment can contribute to a partner feeling secure, which is linked to intimacy.

• Introduces the concept of gamifying the book to make it more engaging for readers.
• Describes the structure of the book with levels, similar to a game, to guide the reader through different stages.

"Okay, so I gamified it. Of course. It's got levels, right? So you start in the mezzanine, then there's the first floor, the second floor, and then there's like, you know, boss level."

• The book is structured like a game with levels, making it interactive and engaging for readers to navigate through the content.

• The concept of "gamifying" household chores is introduced as a way to make them more engaging and less daunting, particularly for men who might traditionally avoid such tasks.
• The idea is to start with small changes and gradually build up to more significant responsibilities, thereby fostering a sense of achievement and capability.
• The ultimate goal is to reverse traditional gender roles and encourage shared responsibility in household tasks.

"That's why I gamified it. Like, for instance, I think the final level of chore play is like, if you can. If you can do this, is getting your mate to get things at the store for you."

• Gamifying chores involves creating a structured progression of tasks that lead to a sense of accomplishment, culminating in more significant responsibilities like grocery shopping.

• The discussion emphasizes the importance of understanding and practicing different love languages beyond one's natural inclinations.
• The traditional concept of love languages can limit people to certain behaviors, excusing them from engaging in other forms of expressing love.
• There's a call to broaden one's understanding and practice of love languages for personal growth and healthier relationships.

"I subscribe to the love language theory... But I do think that it's done some great harm... it excuses people from doing the other ones."

• While love languages can guide how love is expressed and received, they should not be used as an excuse to avoid other expressions of love, which are equally important.

• Personal growth is linked to taking on more responsibilities, especially in a family setting, which includes knowing essential details about one's children and household.
• The speaker shares a personal experience that highlights the importance of being an active and informed parent.
• This growth is part of maturing and becoming a more responsible adult.

"I didn't know the names of my kids' teachers... I had to change all that because my wife was doing all of that."

• Taking responsibility for family matters is a crucial part of personal growth and maturity, ensuring a more balanced and equitable partnership.

• Emphasizes the importance of spending time together, such as going to bed at the same time, to maintain connection and intimacy.
• Advises against living with regrets about past behaviors and encourages focusing on growth and new experiences in the relationship.
• Highlights the importance of individual pursuits and routines that contribute to personal well-being and growth, separate from the relationship.

"For the first 10, what I wish I had done more often is go to bed with my person just no matter what."

• Spending quality time together, such as unwinding at the end of the day, strengthens the relationship and fosters closeness.

"In the next 10 years, you can't regret what you, you know, maybe did in the first 10. It's about growing more and experiencing more."

• It's important to focus on future growth and experiences rather than dwelling on past mistakes, ensuring a healthy and evolving relationship.

"I try to go to the gym... doing something for yourself that does not enmesh you with your partner, but gives you something to your, like, for yourself."

• Pursuing personal interests and maintaining individual routines contribute to personal satisfaction and can enhance the overall relationship.

• Solo trips can be beneficial for partners, providing unique experiences and personal growth.
• Allowing space for individual adventures can enhance the relationship by fostering personal fulfillment.

"I think that solo trips are really cool for your partner. Whatever. I know that, like, my wife's going to Paris with Her hairdresser is in Paris, so she's going."

• Solo trips are highlighted as positive, allowing partners to pursue individual interests and experiences.

• Ending the day together is an intimate and important aspect of a relationship.
• Establishing routines, such as going to bed together, strengthens the bond between partners.

"You're doing the right things, though. You're ending the day with that person. That's what I mean. End the day with that person."

• Emphasizes the importance of daily routines and shared moments in maintaining intimacy.

• Being genuine about your relationship status and feelings is crucial.
• Avoid pretending to share negative sentiments about your partner to fit in with others.

"Don't pretend like you're not having a great time with your person. Like, I've done that. I have too much second banana energy."

• Encourages authenticity and honesty in expressing relationship satisfaction.

• Strife and conflict are often seen as more interesting in comedic narratives.
• Happiness in relationships is less commonly portrayed due to its perceived lack of relatability.

"It's always like, the strife is always comedically, at least in part, more interesting. I think to a lot of people, it's easier to write from that place."

• Highlights the comedic preference for conflict over happiness and its impact on storytelling.

• Films and media often shape perceptions of love and relationships.
• "When Harry Met Sally" is cited as a significant influence on romantic ideals.

"It's gotta be When Harry Met Sally, you know? When I was a kid, I was watching that way too young."

• Illustrates how pop culture, particularly romantic comedies, can impact personal views on love.

• Personal experiences of love can transform artistic expressions and narratives.
• The creative process is often influenced by the creator's personal life and relationships.

"I changed the ending when I first. After I met my partner, really? And it wasn't as drastic as that. I mean, they still were ending up Together."

• Demonstrates how personal relationships can lead to changes in artistic creations and storytelling.

• The book "Chore Play" is anticipated to provide valuable relationship advice.
• Pre-order information and promotional details are shared for the book's release.

"Check out chore play the marriage saving getting your head out of your ass. It'll be out in February."

• Provides information on the upcoming book release, its themes, and how to access it.