“Everything you’ve been told about dating is wrong” | Dr Paul Eastwick

The discussion centers on the evolving perspectives of relationship science versus traditional evolutionary psychology, featuring insights from a relationship scholar. The guest challenges the evolutionary psychology perspective that emphasizes mate value, gender differences, and short-term versus long-term mating distinctions. Instead, they propose a relationship science view focused on attachment, compatibility, and forming relationships through social networks. The conversation critiques the concept of a "mating market" and suggests that initial attraction is often superficial, with true compatibility emerging over time. The discussion also touches on the impact of modern dating environments, the importance of vulnerability, and the role of attachment in sustaining relationships.

• The guest's new book challenges traditional evolutionary psychology perspectives on human relationships.
• The book proposes a different approach to understanding human nature and relationships, focusing on attachment and compatibility rather than competition and mate value.

"I'm coming from a place of actually there's a different way of talking about human nature, a different way of talking about the way that humans evolve to form relationships that I think is kind of missing out there."

• The guest believes that the traditional evolutionary psychology view overemphasizes mate value, gender differences, and the distinction between short-term and long-term mating.

• The concept of the "mating market" is seen as overly competitive and not fully representative of how relationships form.
• Initial attraction might align with the mating market idea, but long-term relationships often diverge from this model as people get to know each other better.

"I think the mating market, it's a way of thinking about how humans form relationships like it's a competition... I think it's true in a more limited way than we realize."

• Over time, people’s perceptions of attractiveness and compatibility change, leading to more diverse and stable relationships.

• Initial attraction often relies on physical traits and societal standards, but long-term compatibility is built on deeper connections.
• The importance of initial "hot or not" judgments diminishes as people interact more over time.

"If you have us do that task again, after a little while the agreement would go down to 65%. And then 60%... about who's hot and who's not, about who you'd want to date and who you wouldn't want to date."

• People find different qualities attractive over time, which allows for more personalized and stable relationships.

• The modern dating environment, particularly online dating, emphasizes initial attraction and competition.
• Traditional methods of meeting people, such as through work or social groups, allow for deeper connections and more opportunities for diverse relationships.

"What I'm usually inclined to say is that look for people who do not initially present as a nine or a 10 don't forget the other ways of meeting people."

• The guest suggests participating in activities that allow for repeated interactions to foster deeper connections.

• Assortative mating refers to the tendency of people to pair with others who have similar traits, such as attractiveness, education, or income.
• While assortative mating is common, mismatched couples can still have stable and happy relationships.

"There is no indication whatsoever that the eight and the five are going to break up sooner, be more miserable, be more likely to cheat relative to the seven and the seven."

• Long-term relationship satisfaction is not strongly predicted by initial attractiveness or mate value.

• Once a relationship forms, individuals tend to develop biases that help sustain the relationship.
• These biases include rationalizing why their partner is suitable and dismissing external judgments.

"In order to sustain any kind of relationship, a whole bunch of motivated biases have to come online."

• These biases are crucial for maintaining relationship stability and satisfaction over time.

• Individuals can defend against relationship threats regardless of mate value mismatch.
• Perceived partner value can influence relationship longevity more than actual value.

"People seem to be able to defend against those kinds of threats...regardless of the level of mate value mismatch."

• Everyone faces relationship threats and temptations, but perceived partner value can mitigate these challenges.

"If people have those biases activated, if they think their partner is more wonderful than everybody else...those are the relationships that are more likely to last."

• Perceiving a partner as uniquely valuable can enhance relationship stability.

• Self-improvement is beneficial but should not overshadow social network expansion.
• Engaging in new social activities and hobbies can be more effective than focusing solely on self-improvement.

"I just want to turn down the emphasis on the self-improvement stuff because...when those solutions stop changing people's fortunes, they get frustrated."

• Overemphasis on self-improvement can lead to frustration; social networking offers an alternative avenue.

"Improving your attributes is going to have some value...but remember, it's going to have actually less value in a context where people are getting to know you over time."

• Personal improvement holds less weight in long-term contexts where deeper connections are formed.

• Mating success is not solely about attracting the most desirable partner but forming effective relationships.
• Compatibility and cooperation in raising offspring are crucial for relationship success.

"Mating success was about forming an interdependent relationship that was effective at raising these extremely costly offspring."

• Relationship success focuses on cooperation and compatibility rather than solely on partner traits.

"If you have a guy who is able to be an eight out of ten provider...One just brings more to the table."

• Resource provisioning and competence in a partner can influence mate value, but compatibility remains key.

• Human evolutionary traits favor gentleness and caregiving in males, influencing mate selection.
• Male parental investment and compatibility in relationships have evolutionary significance.

"We lost the sharp canines, dimorphism decreased because we were being selected to be gentle and kind, especially around offspring."

• Evolution favored traits in males that supported caregiving and compatibility in relationships.

"We just have to imagine these things existing in tandem...having a compatible relationship where two people can function well in interdependent way."

• Compatibility and cooperation in relationships are as important as resource provisioning in evolutionary contexts.

• Stated preferences often differ from revealed preferences in mate selection.
• Gender differences in preferences for ambition and attractiveness may be overstated.

"The men in our sample would say they cared about attractiveness more than women...but there was no gender differences."

• Stated preferences may not accurately reflect actual preferences observed in interactions.

"Ambition earning potential...there's no gender difference in that overall effect."

• Ambition and earning potential influence attraction similarly across genders.

• Increasing female education levels do not negatively impact relationship stability.
• Economic and educational mismatches are less significant in contemporary relationships.

"When couples who are mismatched in education form...there's again there's no risk to these relationships."

• Educational mismatches do not pose a significant risk to relationship stability.

"I think some people are really worried that this is a contributor to the rise in singledom. I think this is a red herring."

• Concerns about educational mismatches contributing to singledom may be unfounded.

• Online dating can exacerbate perceived mate value discrepancies due to screening criteria.
• Real-world interactions often override initial online screening preferences.

"Online dating means...I don't even need to bother interacting with you in the first place if you don't check all the boxes."

• Online platforms can limit opportunities for deeper connections by emphasizing superficial criteria.

"The boxes that you think are so important...they go right out the window once you meet face to face."

• Face-to-face interactions often reveal compatibility beyond initial online criteria.

• Attractiveness and perceived partner value are crucial for relationship satisfaction.
• Qualities like intelligence, humor, and loyalty are important but often underestimated.

"Both men and women underestimate how much attractiveness is important."

• Attractiveness significantly impacts relationship satisfaction and should not be overlooked.

"It's especially important to think your partner is a good lover...that was number one in terms of what actually mattered."

• Sexual compatibility and partner perception are critical for relationship happiness.

• The happiness in relationships is often linked to feeling supported by one's partner, especially during challenging times.
• A partner's attentiveness to personal goals and dreams contributes significantly to relationship satisfaction.
• Modern expectations of marriage include partners being deeply invested in each other's personal pursuits.

"If I had a crappy day, do I feel like I can talk to you about it? And you're going to listen to what went wrong with my day."

• Emphasizes the need for open communication and emotional support in a relationship.

"People tend to be much happier in their relationships if they feel like their partner has their back and is supporting them as they pursue the things that they want to pursue."

• Highlights the essential role of mutual support in achieving personal and shared goals within a relationship.

• Vulnerability is often underestimated but is crucial for building trust and intimacy in relationships.
• Being willing to disclose personal information can strengthen the bond between partners.
• Vulnerability should be seen as a willingness to be open rather than a trait to seek in others.

"I want to find somebody who's willing to be vulnerable with me, who's willing to disclose things to me."

• Suggests that mutual vulnerability is key to deepening emotional connections.

"Coming across as a little bit vulnerable, a little bit like you kind of are open to having somebody else do things for you, to learning from another person."

• Indicates that showing vulnerability can enhance interpersonal relationships by fostering mutual support and learning.

• Preferences and interpretations of partner traits can change with age and experience.
• Younger individuals may misinterpret vulnerability as a lack of resilience, while older individuals may see it as bravery.
• Social media engagement patterns suggest a shift in what is valued as people age.

"I get the sense that younger people are going to find a tougher time to work out what the emotional complexity of this person means."

• Suggests that younger individuals may struggle to interpret emotional signals accurately.

"If you post pro-family stuff as a guy who's trying to get a partner, I think that you are swimming immediately into a blue ocean."

• Implies that demonstrating family values is increasingly attractive as people mature.

• Relationships evolve over time, with each new relationship being different yet having similarities to past ones.
• The challenge lies in balancing new relationship dynamics with lessons learned from previous experiences.
• Compatibility-driven bonding can change as individuals' preferences and priorities shift over time.

"Each next relationship is like a little different than the one that came before, but it's also going to have some similarities."

• Highlights the evolving nature of relationship dynamics and the importance of learning from past experiences.

"It's actually very challenging to know how can I be a new person in this relationship that's going to make this one work."

• Emphasizes the complexity of adapting past relationship experiences to new ones.

• Compatibility is essential but difficult to predict; it often emerges through serendipitous conversations.
• Short-term attributes do not necessarily predict long-term relationship success.
• The unpredictability of compatibility highlights the role of taste and timing in attraction.

"Compatibility is important, but it's remarkably hard to predict."

• Acknowledges the challenge of foreseeing compatibility in relationships.

"The attributes that make somebody desirable in the short term, they're just irrelevant to a person's long-term desirability."

• Suggests that initial attraction factors do not guarantee long-term relationship satisfaction.

• Short-term and long-term relationship dynamics differ, with some individuals excelling in initial attraction.
• Attributes that lead to short-term success do not necessarily correlate with long-term relationship quality.
• Behavioral signals, such as the timing of physical intimacy, can influence perceptions of partner suitability.

"Some people are better in the initial attraction realm. And so what that means is that if you're somebody that's a 10, you're going to have more hookup opportunities."

• Indicates that initial attractiveness can lead to more short-term relationships but not necessarily long-term success.

"The notches that somebody has on their bed post, it just ultimately doesn't predict that much about how happy they'll be in their relationships."

• Suggests that past sexual experiences do not necessarily determine future relationship happiness.

• First impressions and the timing of relationship milestones can influence relationship trajectories.
• The duration before physical intimacy can affect perceptions of partner seriousness and compatibility.
• Compatibility-driven bonding is influenced by individual interpretations of partner behavior.

"If I give up sex or if I push for sex on the first date as a man, does that not also suggest something about my personality?"

• Highlights how sexual behavior on initial dates can shape perceptions of personality and intentions.

"The first sexual experience, people rate far more positively in relationships that become long-term than relationships that become short-term."

• Suggests that sexual compatibility can be a critical factor in determining the potential longevity of a relationship.

• Initial interactions between individuals can provide reliable cues about long-term relationship prospects.
• Factors such as physical appearance, clothing choices, and physical touch can signal availability and sociosexuality.
• Relationship scientists focus on observing interactions over time to understand behaviors and relationship dynamics.

"Does the guy have a high shoulder-to-waist ratio? Does the woman wear revealing clothing? [...] All of these different elements I think can be reliable cues into how good of a long-term prospect is this person."

• The quote highlights the importance of physical and behavioral cues in assessing relationship potential.

• Relationship science emphasizes observing interactions over time to understand relationship dynamics.
• Evolutionary psychology provides adaptive explanations for behavior but may not fully capture the experience of relationships.
• The experience of relationships is deeply tied to individual perceptions and feelings.

"The way that we experience relationships is through our nervous system one-on-one with another person. [...] Ultimately it all comes down to that."

• This quote underscores the subjective experience of relationships and the limitations of purely evolutionary explanations.

• Asking deep, personal questions early in interactions can significantly increase closeness and likability.
• Disclosing personal concerns and reciprocating disclosure fosters intimacy and connection.

"One of the things that people can do in an initial interaction that will shock you how much this can build closeness [...] is ask a deeper question than you think."

• The quote emphasizes the power of vulnerability and personal disclosure in forming strong connections.

• Attachment involves a sense of support, trust, and willingness to be there for each other in both good and bad times.
• Adult attachment is about feeling connected and supported, whether physically or through communication.

"A lot of what attachment is is feeling like I need to be around this person. [...] These are really the critical things that people need to feel."

• This quote highlights the essence of attachment as a foundation for emotional security and mutual support.

• Breakups are destabilizing because they involve losing a valuable relationship and a key source of support.
• The absence of a partner can lead to physical and emotional distress, highlighting the importance of social support during recovery.

"Breakups are tough because not only have you lost something valuable to you, [...] you have also probably lost the person that you would normally go to."

• The quote explains the dual loss experienced during breakups and its impact on well-being.

• Forming new relationships and having a support network are crucial for recovering from breakups.
• Constructing a coherent narrative about the breakup helps individuals process and move on.

"Another thing that really matters for people though is having support in other people and forming a coherent story about what happened."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of social support and narrative construction in healing from breakups.

• Relationships form unique microcultures with shared rituals, jokes, and experiences that contribute to relationship satisfaction.
• The loss of a relationship also means losing this microculture, which can be devastating.

"A relationship is a microculture and it is you and your partner have this weird like subculture that only you two know."

• The quote highlights the significance of shared experiences and cultural elements in relationships.

• People in relationships tend to devalue alternative partners to maintain relationship stability.
• These biases help sustain relationships but can also prevent individuals from recognizing toxic dynamics.

"People tend to derate alternative partners. [...] It's like an automatic bias that's built in right off the top that downgrades anybody else."

• The quote discusses the protective role of biases in relationship maintenance.

• Humans are described as creatures who form serial monogamous attachments, moving from partner to partner over time.
• Attachment is key to human relationships, whether romantic or platonic.

"We are creatures who attach and we form attachment bonds. [...] I think you can design a system that allows for attachments between people and also allows sex with multiple people."

• The quote explores the flexibility of human attachment and mating systems.

• Relationships often experience a decline in satisfaction over time, but some maintain high satisfaction levels.
• Building lasting relationships is challenging, requiring effort, compatibility, and attachment.

"People on average feel worse about their partners 10 years in than they did at 5 years than they did at one year in."

• This quote reflects the common trajectory of declining relationship satisfaction and the effort required to maintain it.

• The discussion includes alternative perspectives on attractiveness and relationship dynamics.
• The importance of data-driven approaches in understanding relationships is emphasized.

"I actually think that people should be using more of an evolutionary explanation for a lot of things, but for the most part, it's like pop psychology pulled it out of my ass explanations."

• The quote advocates for evidence-based approaches in relationship science, contrasting with less rigorous explanations.