Body Language Expert: Stop Using This, It’s Making People Dislike You, So Are These Subtle Mistakes!

Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral investigator, delves into the science of cues, emphasizing their power in shaping perceptions of competence and warmth, which constitute 82% of our impressions of others. She highlights the significance of gestures, vocal tones, and facial expressions in authentic communication, noting that liars often use fewer gestures. Vanessa shares insights from her journey as a "recovering awkward person," advocating for intentional communication to build confidence and authentic relationships. Her research, involving 400,000 students, underscores the transformative potential of mastering social cues, particularly for introverts and ambiverts seeking genuine connections.

• Gestures have a significant impact on communication, being more believable than words.
• Difficulty in lying with gestures results in liars using fewer gestures.
• Understanding and controlling gestures is crucial for successful communication.

"Your brain is 12.5 times more likely to believe my gesture over my words, and that's because it is very hard to lie with our gestures."

• This quote highlights the immense power and honesty of gestures in communication, emphasizing their influence over verbal communication.

• Vanessa Van Edwards is a behavioral investigator focusing on body language, micro-expressions, and vocal tones.
• Her work aims to build confidence and create authentic relationships.
• She challenges the belief that charisma is genetic, proposing it can be learned through understanding cues.

"Vanessa van Edwards is a behavioral investigator whose science-backed research from body language and micro-expressions to vocal tones and first impressions has revolutionized the way we build confidence and create more authentic relationships."

• This quote introduces Vanessa Van Edwards and her research focus, emphasizing her impact on understanding communication and relationships.

• 82% of impressions are based on warmth and competence.
• Controlling these cues is crucial for being memorable and confident.
• Misunderstanding or failing to control these cues can lead to negative personal and professional outcomes.

"82% of our impressions of people are based on warmth and competence."

• This quote underscores the significance of warmth and competence in forming impressions, highlighting the importance of managing these cues effectively.

• Charisma is not innate but can be learned through science-backed methods.
• Vanessa's research focuses on helping introverts and ambiverts communicate effectively without pretending to be extroverted.
• Her framework has helped 400,000 students master communication and overcome social anxiety.

"I used to believe that you were either born with charisma or you weren't, that charisma was genetic, and in 2002 I discovered a study that changed my life which said that charisma can be learned."

• This quote reflects Vanessa's personal journey and the transformative realization that charisma can be taught and learned.

• Ambiverts can adjust their extroversion levels based on the situation and need recharge time.
• Identifying people and places that drain or energize you is essential for optimizing social interactions.
• Creating boundaries with draining people and environments is crucial for maintaining social energy.

"Amber verts get energy from the right people in the right places."

• This quote describes the nature of ambiverts, emphasizing the importance of environment and social interactions in managing energy levels.

• Words significantly influence behavior and perception, as demonstrated by studies on game framing.
• The choice of words in communication can prime people for different responses and interactions.
• Using specific words can enhance collaboration and positive outcomes in professional settings.

"This means that the words we're using in our emails, our subjects, our texts, our LinkedIn profile headlines are queuing people for how they should treat us."

• This quote highlights the power of words in shaping perceptions and interactions, emphasizing their strategic use in communication.

• People skills are crucial for success in various aspects of life, including business, relationships, and personal growth.
• Lack of people skills can lead to misunderstandings, missed opportunities, and social isolation.
• Developing effective communication skills is a fundamental investment for personal and professional success.

"If you don't have people skills, you cannot succeed in life, you cannot succeed in love, you cannot succeed in business."

• This quote stresses the indispensable role of people skills in achieving success across different areas of life.

• Vanessa's research has led to significant transformations for individuals who were initially socially anxious or awkward.
• Understanding and using the right cues can dramatically improve personal and professional interactions.
• Case studies demonstrate the potential for growth and change through mastering communication skills.

"My biggest transformations have happened when I can say you don't need to hide your true feelings; it's about amplifying them with the right cues."

• This quote illustrates the transformative impact of Vanessa's work on individuals, emphasizing the power of mastering cues in communication.

• Resting face, or "resting bothered face," significantly affects how others perceive us.
• Understanding one's resting face and adjusting cues can enhance first impressions and interactions.
• Awareness of facial expressions and their impact is essential for effective communication.

"You need to look in the mirror and figure out what is the default of your face if you're mouth angles down into a frown people are going to think you're sad."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of understanding and managing one's resting face to improve social interactions.

• Vanessa shares her personal journey of overcoming social awkwardness through scientific study and practice.
• Developing conversational blueprints and frameworks helped her build confidence and make meaningful connections.
• Her experience underscores the potential for growth and change in social skills through deliberate effort.

"I always felt like I was saying the wrong things, I had all these awkward silences, and then what would happen is I would try to overcompensate by sharing a ridiculous story or talking too much."

• This quote provides insight into Vanessa's initial struggles with social interactions, highlighting the challenges she faced and overcame.

• Popularity is linked to having a long list of people one likes, not just personal traits or achievements.
• Being likable involves actively liking others, which can transform social interactions and relationships.
• Understanding and applying this principle can enhance one's social presence and connections.

"The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked."

• This quote reveals the key to popularity, emphasizing the importance of actively liking others to enhance likability.

• Vanessa provides practical strategies for enhancing likability and building stronger relationships.
• Techniques include expressing genuine interest and thinking of others, which fosters deeper connections.
• These strategies help in leveling up relationships and improving social interactions.

"I was just thinking of you. How are you? I was just thinking of you. How'd that project go?"

• This quote illustrates a simple yet effective strategy for maintaining and strengthening relationships through genuine communication.

• Self-narratives significantly influence personal and professional interactions and perceptions.
• Identifying one's narrative type (hero, healer, or victim) can provide insights into behavior and relationships.
• Changing self-narratives involves small acts of heroism and reframing perceptions of oneself.

"The best one is a hero narrative: I've worked really hard, I've had some challenges and mistakes, but I've overcome with hard work and smarts."

• This quote explains the concept of self-narratives and their impact on personal identity and interactions.

• Performance and emotions are contagious, affecting those within proximity.
• High performers can boost the performance of others, while low performers can have a negative impact.
• Choosing the right people to surround oneself with is crucial for personal and professional growth.

"If you sit within 25 feet of a high performer, your own performance improves by 15%."

• This quote highlights the contagious nature of performance, emphasizing the importance of surrounding oneself with positive influences.

• Emotions can be chemically contagious, as demonstrated by studies on sweat and fear responses.
• Understanding this phenomenon can help in managing environments and interactions to promote positive outcomes.
• Awareness of emotional contagion can guide decisions about personal and professional relationships.

"Everyone who smelled the skydiving sweat had an activation in their own amygdala, their own fear response triggered."

• This quote provides evidence of the chemical basis for emotional contagion, illustrating the impact of environmental and interpersonal factors on emotions.

• Intention is a powerful tool for enhancing confidence and improving communication outcomes.
• Deliberate use of cues and conversational tools can create positive cycles in interactions.
• Intention helps in overcoming nervousness and fostering genuine connections.

"Intention is the back door into confidence."

• This quote emphasizes the role of intention in communication, highlighting its potential to transform interactions and build confidence.

• Microexpressions convey emotions like fear, contempt, or social rejection, affecting both the observer's and the subject's emotions.
• Recognizing and labeling these expressions can help in managing one's emotional response and maintaining control in social interactions.

"When he taught them to say fear or think fear, he taught them the microexpression, it stopped activating their amygdala."

• Recognizing and naming emotions can prevent automatic emotional responses, providing a sense of control and confidence.

• Hand gestures are crucial for communication, enhancing clarity and engagement in conversations.
• Gestures can make speech more memorable and help convey competence and warmth.

"The most viral TED speakers used an average of 465 hand gestures in 18 minutes, whereas the least popular TED talkers used an average of 271 gestures."

• Frequent hand gestures correlate with higher audience engagement and message retention.

• Visible hands signal safety and intention, rooted in evolutionary survival mechanisms.
• Presenting open palms can establish trust and openness in interactions.

"Hands show intention, and this makes sense from an evolutionary perspective."

• Open palms and visible hands reassure others of non-threatening intentions.

• Charismatic speakers use vocal variety and gestures to maintain audience attention.
• Expressiveness in speech and gestures increases engagement and retention.

"Vocal variety is a critical aspect of both warmth and competence."

• Diverse vocal tones and gestures enhance charisma and communication effectiveness.

• Understanding spatial zones (public, social, personal, intimate) can improve interaction quality.
• Appropriate distance in interactions affects comfort and engagement levels.

"The perfect distance between two people having a good conversation is that we could shake hands if we wanted to."

• Maintaining appropriate spatial zones ensures comfort and effective communication.

• Charisma is a balance of warmth and competence, influencing first impressions and interactions.
• Individuals can adjust their warmth and competence signals to suit different social contexts.

"To be charismatic, you have to be both highly warm and highly competent."

• Balancing warmth and competence is key to being perceived as charismatic and trustworthy.

• Specific gestures and postures, like the steeple gesture, convey competence and confidence.
• Eye contact and vocal inflection also play roles in signaling competence.

"The most important measurement on your entire body is the distance between your earlobe and your shoulder."

• Posture and gestures can enhance perceptions of competence and authority.

• Warmth is conveyed through gestures like nodding, head tilts, and authentic smiles.
• These cues encourage openness and trust in social interactions.

"Research has found that if we do a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67% longer."

• Warmth cues facilitate longer, more open conversations and enhance interpersonal connections.

• People often assume their feelings and intentions are obvious to others, though they may not be.
• Explicitly communicating positive thoughts can strengthen relationships and understanding.

"We think our signals are obvious, but they don't know."

• Verbalizing appreciation and thoughts prevents misunderstandings and enhances clarity.

• Ending statements with a rising tone can signal uncertainty and decrease perceived confidence.
• Practicing downward inflection can enhance authority and clarity in communication.

"The biggest mistake that salespeople make is they get through their entire pitch and they ask their number."

• Using a downward inflection conveys confidence and conviction in statements.

• Gut feelings are important as they are often based on subconscious cues that our conscious mind cannot readily perceive, such as the scent of adrenaline.
• These feelings can indicate underlying issues in relationships, such as jealousy or unspoken resentment.
• It's crucial to investigate these feelings rather than immediately severing ties with the person involved.

"I think that gut feelings are incredibly important because you know the best queue reading machine we have is our subconscious right."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of trusting our subconscious instincts, which can pick up on subtle cues in our interactions with others.

• To improve or break negative cycles in relationships, consider asking deeper, more meaningful questions to better understand the other person.
• The more commonalities you find with someone, the more likely you are to develop compassion and a stronger relationship.

"Research shows that the more commonalities we have someone the more that we understand them the more compassion we have with them the more that we like someone."

• This highlights the importance of finding common ground as a means to strengthen relationships and break negative cycles.

• Replace mundane questions like "What do you do?" with more engaging ones such as "Are you working on anything exciting recently?" to foster deeper connections.
• Asking about goals and self-narratives can reveal significant insights into a person's values and aspirations.

"Stop asking what do you do for 30 days I want you to go on a what do you do diet."

• This suggests a practical challenge to transform everyday interactions by eliminating dull questions and replacing them with those that invite more meaningful dialogue.

• Asking someone which book, movie, or TV character they relate to can provide profound insights into how they view themselves.
• This question can uncover hidden aspects of a person's self-perception and lead to deeper understanding and connection.

"What book movie or TV character is most like you and why."

• This question serves as a tool for uncovering a person's self-narrative, offering a window into their self-identity and values.

• The journey towards personal fulfillment is ongoing, and it's important to recognize and appreciate one's achievements without feeling that the journey has ended.
• Balancing the satisfaction of reaching goals with the desire for future growth is a common theme in personal development.

"If I say I've made it or I'm at the end of the movie then I'm like it kind of robs me of the future in a weird way."

• This reflects the tension between acknowledging success and the fear of complacency, highlighting the importance of ongoing personal growth.

• Non-verbal cues, such as leaning and touching, play a crucial role in creating connections and warmth in interactions.
• Purposeful non-verbal communication can bridge distances and enhance the quality of conversations.

"Non-verbal Bridges are when someone is trying to bridge the distance between you."

• This underscores the power of non-verbal gestures in fostering intimacy and connection in interpersonal interactions.

• Clear non-verbal signals can prevent awkward greetings and enhance social interactions.
• Understanding the appropriate context and manner for physical greetings like hugs can improve social competence.

"You need to Signal what kind of greeting you want from the moment someone first sees you."

• This advice provides a strategy for managing physical greetings to ensure they are comfortable and appropriate for both parties involved.

• Personal branding involves creating a consistent image that reflects one's true self, while also being mindful of the messages conveyed through social media.
• It's important to balance imperfection with authenticity in personal branding to avoid extremes that may not reflect one's true identity.

"What's true right like the very first question is like don't purposely spill the Smoothie."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of authenticity in personal branding, advising against contrived imperfections that don't reflect one's genuine self.

• Purposeful movement on stage can enhance a speaker's presence and help convey their message more effectively.
• Organizing stage movement according to the content being delivered can aid audience comprehension and engagement.

"Purposeful movement a big mistake I see CEOs make on stage is they either don't have purposeful movement so they Pace the stage back and forth."

• This highlights the significance of intentional movement in public speaking, which can enhance the delivery and reception of a presentation.

• Key elements for effective profile pictures include warm and competent body language, an authentic smile, and symmetrical expressions.
• Vocal fry and contracted body language can hinder interpersonal interactions, often signaling a lack of confidence.
• Engaging in physical activities during dates can help in adopting a more open and confident body posture.

"The profile picture is number one most important."

• Emphasizes the significance of the profile picture in creating first impressions online.

"Just speak louder. Vocal fry happens from a lack of breath."

• Suggests a practical solution to eliminate vocal fry by increasing vocal volume.

• Women tend to activate more brain areas than men when interpreting body language, creating broader narratives.
• Men often focus on specific cues, which can sometimes make them easier to teach in terms of body language.

"Women were taking a much broader picture of the body language whereas men were...more cue focused."

• Highlights the difference in how men and women perceive and interpret body language cues.

• Social skills can be learned and improved with practice, even for those who are naturally awkward or uncharismatic.
• Small changes in behavior, such as asking better questions and making eye contact, can significantly enhance interpersonal interactions.

"I think anyone can learn it. I really truly believe that."

• Expresses confidence in the ability of individuals to learn and improve social skills.

"These tools give you confidence to try something new and to break your pattern if you feel stuck."

• Describes how using social tools can build confidence and help individuals step out of their comfort zones.

• Open body language signals availability and approachability in social settings.
• Specific gestures, such as "croissant feet" and quick glances, can indicate openness to interaction.

"It was the men and women who signaled 'I'm available.'"

• Indicates that signaling availability is more important than physical attractiveness in social settings.

"Croissant feet, open body, quick short glances."

• Lists specific body language cues that convey openness and approachability.

• Making friends should be approached similarly to dating, focusing on shared values and interests.
• Engaging in activities and environments that reflect personal values can help in finding compatible friends.

"Meeting two or three amazing people is so important for your health, for your happiness, for your success."

• Stresses the importance of forming meaningful friendships for overall well-being.

"You should change your mindset. Finding friends is like dating."

• Encourages treating friendship formation with the same intentionality as romantic relationships.

• The prevalence of AirPods and hybrid work environments has reduced opportunities for micro-interactions, negatively impacting social connections.
• Weak ties, or casual connections, are crucial for happiness and social support.

"AirPods are going to ruin our interpersonal interactions."

• Warns about the negative impact of technology on spontaneous social interactions.

"Weak ties are incredibly important for our happiness."

• Highlights the significance of casual connections in building a supportive social network.

• Most people are not very accurate at detecting lies, with only a 54% success rate.
• Certain cues, such as question inflection and volume drops, can indicate potential deception.

"Most people can only spot a lie with 54% accuracy."

• Points out the general difficulty in accurately identifying deception.

"A sudden drop in volume...it's a very interesting cue to like double click."

• Suggests that changes in vocal volume can be a cue to further investigate the truthfulness of a statement.

• Ambivalent relationships, where feelings are uncertain, are more draining than toxic relationships.
• It's important to clarify and address ambivalent relationships to maintain mental well-being.

"Ambivalent relationships are the relationships in your life that are the most damaging."

• Describes the negative impact of uncertain relationships on emotional health.

"It's important to either move them up or move them out."

• Advises taking action to resolve ambivalent relationships for better emotional clarity.

• Simple openers and questions about recent activities can effectively start conversations.
• Avoiding autopilot questions like "What do you do?" can lead to more meaningful interactions.

"Your opener can just be that. My sister...the best advice I ever gave her was just to say hello to people."

• Encourages using straightforward openers to initiate conversations.

"Do anything fun and exciting this past weekend?"

• Suggests asking about recent activities as a way to engage others in conversation.

• Focusing on personal social strengths, such as storytelling or empathy, can enhance interpersonal interactions.
• Creating environments that play to one's strengths can lead to more successful social engagements.

"Stop competing on stages where you can't be your best. Start creating rooms where you can."

• Advises leveraging personal strengths rather than trying to fit into uncomfortable social situations.

"Think about what are your social strengths. You have one."

• Encourages self-awareness and the use of individual strengths in social interactions.