#1 Communication Expert: The One Word That Is Causing Divorces@jeffersonfisher​

Jefferson Fischer, a board-certified trial attorney and communication expert, shares insights on effective communication and conflict resolution. He emphasizes the importance of self-talk, breathing techniques, and maintaining authenticity in conversations. Fischer advises using pauses and lowering one's voice to convey control and confidence, suggesting that words shape identity and relationships. He also discusses handling high-pressure situations, setting boundaries, and the art of saying no. Fischer highlights the power of genuine apologies and understanding narcissistic behavior while advocating for a mindset shift to view conflicts as opportunities for growth and connection.

• Begin difficult conversations with a focus on breathing to calm the nervous system.
• Self-talk is crucial; what you say to yourself influences your mindset and emotions.
• Implement three immediate techniques to sound more in control: use breath, positive self-talk, and genuine belief in your message.

"If you're feeling nervous before a hard conversation, this is a framework of how to have a difficult conversation. What I teach is let your breath be the first word that you say."

• Breathing helps regulate emotions and sets a calm tone for the conversation.

"Some of the first conversations you really need to have are conversations with yourself. If you say, I can't do it. I'm nervous. Your body thinks I'm nervous."

• Positive self-talk can shift your mindset from nervousness to confidence.

• Your words shape your identity and how others perceive you.
• People judge you based on what you say and how you say it.
• The alignment between words and actions is crucial for authenticity.

"What you say is who you are. Some people feel insecure, so they have to talk a whole lot to make sure you know that they're intelligent."

• The way you communicate reflects your self-perception and influences others' perceptions of you.

"You can't be a kind person if you don't say kind things. And so if you want a better life, I believe that you have to choose your words better."

• Choosing words carefully can align your actions with your desired identity and improve your life.

• Jefferson Fischer's background as a fifth-generation trial attorney shaped his communication skills.
• Exposure to courtroom dynamics from a young age provided a unique perspective on communication.

"I am a fifth generation trial attorney. So my dad is an attorney, a lawyer. His dad, then his dad, my great-grandfather, and then his father, and then his father."

• A family legacy in law instilled a deep understanding of communication and argumentation.

"I would get taken out of school to go watch his closing arguments. I probably saw more closing arguments well by the time I turned 12 than most actual practicing attorneys."

• Early exposure to legal proceedings contributed to a natural comfort in legal environments and communication.

• Fischer transitioned from a law firm partner to starting his own firm, driven by a desire for creativity and personal fulfillment.
• Social media became a tool for promoting his new venture and sharing communication expertise.

"I felt that I wasn't really happy there. I didn't feel like I was in a creative space. I felt like I was being really stagnant and I knew I wanted to start my own law firm."

• The desire for a creative and fulfilling career led to the establishment of his own law firm.

"I thought I'd help teach people how to communicate. So that's how I start with my videos."

• Teaching communication became a way to connect with others and build a personal brand.

• Words have a significant impact on personal and professional outcomes.
• Truthfulness and authenticity in communication are vital for maintaining control and credibility.

"Most people don't realize this, Chris, and it's that what you say is who you are."

• The words you choose define your character and how others perceive you.

"If you say, 'I can't do it.' You know what your brain thinks? You can't do it."

• Self-talk influences your beliefs and actions, impacting your overall confidence.

• Genuine smiles and using people's names create positive first impressions.
• Authenticity is more effective than trying too hard to impress others.

"You cannot ever underestimate a genuine smile like a genuine heartfelt smile because that is how we connect with people."

• A genuine smile is a universal connector that transcends language barriers.

"If you want to have better first impressions, you need to send a signal of warm, this warm energy."

• Warmth and authenticity in interactions foster positive connections.

• Breathing, positive self-talk, and excitement about your message help manage stress.
• Belief in your mission and serving others can transform nervousness into enthusiasm.

"If you're feeling nervous before a hard conversation or some major issue, number one, I want you to use your breath."

• Breathing is a fundamental tool for calming nerves in high-pressure situations.

"If you believe in your product, you know that what you have is there to help people. That's something to be excited about."

• Genuine belief in your message energizes and motivates you during presentations.

• Silence is a powerful communication tool that conveys confidence and thoughtfulness.
• Pauses in speech enhance the impact of your words and demonstrate control.

"You're afraid that silence conveys confusion. Uh, silence conveys ignorance. But what you learn...is that the silence is such a power move."

• Embracing silence can enhance your authority and presence in conversations.

"The power of the pause is one of the greatest assets that a leader can have."

• Pausing allows for reflection and adds weight to your responses, showcasing leadership.

• Slowing down speech, lowering your voice, and using downward inflection enhance perceived control.
• Conciseness and clarity in communication convey confidence and authority.

"People who speak slower naturally sound more in control."

• Slow and deliberate speech projects confidence and control.

"Lowering your voice is a great way to do it. Also, in your tone, have inflection that goes down, not up."

• A calm and steady voice with downward inflection signals confidence and decisiveness.

• Over-explaining can create suspicion and undermine credibility.
• Concise communication is often perceived as more truthful and confident.

"The more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it sounds like a lie."

• Excessive detail can suggest evasion or insecurity, while brevity signals honesty.

• Emphasize the importance of being concise and confident in communication to avoid overwhelming the listener with excessive information.
• Encourage selective word choice to convey messages effectively without unnecessary embellishments.
• Highlight the significance of being prepared and knowledgeable to provide deeper insights when needed.

"Instead of being a waterfall in your conversations, be a well. In other words, when you're always giving, talking way too much, your message gets swept away."

• This quote underscores the importance of depth over volume in communication, suggesting that a well-considered message holds more value than excessive talking.

"A default rule is if you can't say it in three sentences, you have to rethink it."

• This emphasizes the need for clarity and precision in communication, advocating for brevity as a tool for effective expression.

• Reframe conflict as a positive and necessary element for growth and deeper understanding in relationships.
• Encourage viewing arguments as opportunities to resolve issues rather than negative confrontations.
• Stress the importance of conflict in strengthening relationships, particularly in personal and professional contexts.

"If you want to argue less and talk more, I'm going to challenge you to change the way you see arguments. Rather than seeing them as a negative conflict, see them as a hurdle to get over that leads to success."

• This quote suggests that changing one's perspective on conflict can lead to more productive and meaningful interactions.

"You try to find ways...if you want to argue less, talk more. You see conflict as something good that can happen in your life."

• The quote highlights the transformative potential of conflict when approached with a mindset of growth and learning.

• Discuss strategies for managing emotions and de-escalating conflicts to prevent situations from becoming confrontational.
• Highlight the importance of maintaining calm and understanding the other person's perspective to resolve disputes effectively.
• Suggest techniques for reframing conversations to reduce defensiveness and encourage open dialogue.

"When you get threatened nowadays I don't I now know not to go okay and then I I now go okay so they've threatened if anything I need to sort of take a step back to lower the energy here to let everyone just calm down for a second."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of emotional regulation and de-escalation techniques in conflict management.

"If you feel like you're about to have an argument, what should your first words be then? What are the most disarming things that you can say?"

• This quote introduces the idea of using language strategically to diffuse potential conflicts and foster constructive communication.

• Encourage embracing vulnerability and the willingness to be wrong as strengths in conflict resolution.
• Highlight the benefits of adopting a learning mindset in conversations to gain new insights and perspectives.
• Promote the use of inclusive language to foster collaboration and reduce defensiveness in discussions.

"There is such a wonderful strength about you when you realize you don't always have to be right."

• This quote suggests that acknowledging one's fallibility can lead to more authentic and constructive interactions.

"If you feel like there's about to be an argument, ask the question, is this an argument?"

• This quote introduces a technique for clarifying the nature of a conversation, helping to prevent misunderstandings and reduce tension.

• Discuss the influence of leadership and personal energy on the dynamics of conversations and organizational culture.
• Highlight the importance of intentionality in setting a positive tone for discussions to encourage openness and collaboration.
• Emphasize the role of leaders in mirroring desired behaviors and fostering a communicative environment.

"For every leader out there, people mirror your frequency. They want to match your frequency."

• This quote underscores the responsibility of leaders to set the tone for effective communication within their teams.

"If you want to have good conversations and good, you know, if you know that you're close to an argument. Set the scene with like good happy energy."

• This quote emphasizes the power of positive energy in shaping the outcome of conversations and preventing conflicts.

• Simplicity and peace of mind are invaluable and often more desirable than wealth.
• People tend to hide from personal issues by having opinions on everything, leading to unnecessary chaos.
• It's important to prioritize personal peace over engaging in every argument or having an opinion on everything.

"Feeling like you have less weight to carry, like that's winning. I will gladly trade. I've yet to find anybody who would trade money for more chaos."

• This quote emphasizes the importance of peace of mind over material wealth, suggesting that simplicity is preferable to chaos.

• Having an opinion on everything can distract from personal issues and create unnecessary conflict.
• Social media has amplified the need to share opinions, often leading to a false sense of self-importance.
• It's healthier to not share every opinion and focus on personal matters.

"You don't have to have an opinion on everything. I think that is one of the most important things if you want to have a peaceful life."

• The quote advises against the need to have an opinion on every issue, suggesting it can lead to a more peaceful life.

• Social media fosters the belief that everyone is interested in our lives, leading to oversharing.
• The initial design of social media platforms encouraged people to share mundane details, fostering a culture of self-obsession.

"We have this, in my opinion, a very slanted view that everybody is very obsessed with me."

• This highlights the skewed perception that social media creates about personal importance and the need for validation.

• People often seek fulfillment in external activities when they lack personal satisfaction.
• This can manifest as an obsession with politics, sports, or other interests that provide a temporary sense of relevance.

"People who are not fulfilled personally find a way to fulfill it in anything else."

• The quote suggests that external obsessions often reflect a lack of personal fulfillment.

• A structured approach to difficult conversations can reduce anxiety and improve communication.
• The framework involves stating the subject, desired outcome, and getting buy-in from the other person.

"It's a three-part framework for how to frame a difficult conversation. It's a structure of how to have them."

• This introduces a structured method for handling difficult conversations, emphasizing clarity and mutual understanding.

• Arguing like a lawyer involves focusing on what truly matters and avoiding unnecessary battles.
• Lawyers synthesize complex information into concise arguments that address the core issues.

"When you argue like a lawyer, what that means is to be very specific of what's worth your time, what really matters."

• The quote explains the importance of focusing on key issues in arguments, akin to a lawyer's approach.

• Effective boundary-setting involves clear communication of limits and consequences.
• Saying no should be straightforward, starting with the refusal and ending with gratitude.

"Instead of beginning with the gratitude and ending with the no, I'd love to, but I can't."

• This suggests reversing the typical order of refusal to establish clearer boundaries.

• It's acceptable to be a people pleaser as long as personal needs and self-worth are also prioritized.
• Excessive apologizing and people-pleasing behaviors can undermine self-esteem.

"It's okay to be a people pleaser as long as you're one of them."

• The quote underscores the importance of balancing the desire to please others with self-care and self-respect.

• People often undermine their own ideas by using language that suggests insecurity or doubt, such as "sorry to bother you" or "I might be wrong."
• Using positive and assertive language can help stop this behavior, such as substituting "I'd like to continue" for hesitant phrases.
• Apologies and expressions of gratitude can be rephrased to add positive momentum to conversations.

"One is to stop undercutting, undervaluing what you have to say. That's the sorry to bother you."

• This quote highlights the tendency to devalue one's own contributions, which undermines confidence.

"Using words of gratitude is a much better way to add positive momentum into your conversation."

• Expressing gratitude instead of apologizing unnecessarily can create a more positive interaction.

• Negative comments can be managed by not "catching" them or responding immediately, allowing the speaker to reconsider their words.
• Silence can be a powerful tool to let the other person reflect on their words, often leading them to apologize or clarify.
• Asking questions about the intent behind negative comments can make the speaker reconsider their behavior.

"You need to add a lot of silence. You say something ugly to me."

• Using silence as a response can disarm negativity and prompt self-reflection from the speaker.

"Did you mean for that to hurt my feelings?"

• Questioning the intent behind comments can shift focus back to the speaker's behavior, making them reconsider their words.

• Pauses in conversation can communicate various messages depending on the context and timing.
• They allow time for reflection and can reduce tension in discussions, making them a crucial part of effective communication.

"The power of the pause cannot be understated."

• Pauses are a significant aspect of communication, influencing how messages are perceived.

"If you listen to what you're saying, it's just often take a breath and just sit in the silence for a second."

• Pausing allows for a more thoughtful and less reactive response in conversations.

• A meaningful apology includes taking responsibility, acknowledging the impact, and showing a plan for change.
• Bad apologies often deflect blame or are conditional, which can be countered by requesting a genuine apology.

"I'm sorry that I said that. I'm sorry that I did X, Y, and Z."

• Taking accountability is the first step in a sincere apology.

"Next time, I'm going to make sure to get your permission before this."

• Demonstrating a commitment to change is essential for a genuine apology.

• Narcissists play a game of "praise or provoke," seeking control through praise or by provoking negative emotions.
• Neutral statements can prevent escalation, and redirecting focus to the narcissist's audience can adjust their behavior.

"It's a game that I call praise or provoke."

• Understanding the manipulative dynamics of narcissistic behavior helps in managing interactions.

"Use neutral statements. Statements like noted. Good to know."

• Neutral responses prevent narcissists from gaining emotional control.

• Using language that emphasizes perspective rather than disagreement can reduce defensiveness and encourage open dialogue.
• Sharing different viewpoints without direct confrontation fosters curiosity and understanding.

"Instead of I disagree, it's I see things differently."

• Framing disagreements as differences in perspective can lead to more productive conversations.

"I see things differently, and people go, oh, how well how do you how do you see it?"

• Highlighting perspective invites others to consider alternative viewpoints without feeling attacked.

• Responding to potentially negative communication with clarifying questions can prevent misunderstandings.
• Giving others the benefit of the doubt can maintain professional relationships and reduce unnecessary conflict.

"Did you mean for that to sound short?"

• Clarifying intent in communication helps avoid misinterpretations and keeps interactions professional.

"We tend to always read in the negative."

• Recognizing the tendency to interpret messages negatively can help in maintaining a positive work environment.

• Being aware of open versus closed body language can influence how one is perceived in conversations.
• Aligning body posture with verbal communication enhances authenticity and engagement.

"Make sure you put your forearms on the table."

• Positive body language, such as leaning in, signals engagement and openness.

"You have to make sure that the message you're sending aligns with your body posture."

• Consistent verbal and non-verbal cues strengthen communication effectiveness.

• Empowering team members with decision-making capabilities fosters independence and efficiency.
• Clear communication and established values guide team actions and maintain alignment with business goals.

"I've equipped them with the tools to make their own decisions."

• Providing team members with the necessary tools and autonomy supports effective business operations.

"The values make the decisions for you."

• Organizational values serve as a guiding framework for decision-making and maintaining company culture.