045: To Coach Your Kids or Not to Coach Your Kids? W/ Special Guest: Paul Magnuson

The Nurturing Fathers podcast, hosted by Mark and Corey Perlman, focuses on the challenges and rewards of fatherhood, especially through the lens of coaching children in team sports. In this episode, Corey speaks with guest Paul Magnuson, a seasoned coach and father, about the nuances of coaching one's own children and other kids. Paul emphasizes the importance of positive reinforcement, building a fun and supportive team culture, and balancing the emotional needs of children. He shares insights on the differences between coaching boys and girls, stressing that girls need to feel good to play well, while boys need to play well to feel good.

• Hosts: Mark Perelman and Corey Perlman
• Focus: Helping men succeed in fatherhood, particularly through coaching and team sports.

• Guest: Paul Magnuson
• Background: Extensive experience in coaching, both personally and professionally, including college coaching.
• Family: Married with four kids, three of whom he coaches in lacrosse.

• Origin: Grew up in Maryland, a lacrosse hotbed.
• Family: Twin brother, played lacrosse together through college.
• Personal History: Parents divorced when he was ten; father attended games but didn’t coach.
• Motivation: Prioritizes spending quality time with his children through coaching.

"Growing up I had a twin brother. He and I both played, we played on the same midfield line from when the time we were, you know, 6th, 7th grade, all the way through college."

• Highlights the importance of family and shared activities in Paul's life.

"My dad was one where he was always there at the games, so there were very few times he ever missed a game, but never opportunities to necessarily be coached by him."

• Paul's father's presence at games but absence in coaching drives his motivation to be more involved in his children's lives.

• Challenges: Full-time job and time constraints.
• Advice to Dads:
  • You are enough, especially for young kids.
  • Early coaching is more about being a "glorified babysitter."
  • Learn the sport as you go; resources like YouTube are invaluable.
  • Stepping outside your comfort zone leads to growth.

"You don't need to know the sport that well to be able to just get out there, make it fun for them, let them have a great time, and then it becomes an experience."

• Emphasizes the importance of fun and experience over technical knowledge in early coaching.

"You'd be surprised how one quickly you can learn it. So there's so many resources out there. I mean, it's almost without excuse now at this point that you can pull up YouTube and become a master at anything at this point."

• Highlights the accessibility of learning resources for new coaches.

• Personal Growth: Coaches grow alongside their kids.
• Building Relationships: Opportunities to meet other parents and form friendships.
• Community Involvement: Being part of a community and contributing to it.

"As a dad, I mean, I get so much out of being there with the kids, really even like getting to know Corey. I mean, Corey and I met coaching flag football. I mean, and now we developed a wonderful friendship."

• Illustrates the personal and social benefits of coaching.

• Common Fears: Lack of experience and time constraints.
• Encouragement: Willingness to volunteer and a positive mindset are more important than expertise.

"If you're hesitant, I would say it doesn't matter your background or your experience, really, the kids just need you there and you can learn the practice plans, you can learn the things that you need to do to be able to construct a practice and put together a practice."

• Reassures potential coaches that their presence and willingness are what truly matter.

• Leading by Kindness: Effective coaches lead with kindness and respect rather than anger.
• Positive Influence: Good coaches are remembered for their positive impact on their players' lives.

"Typically they are coaches that I would consider like you. They lead by kindness, they have respect, but they don't demand it through anger and all these different things."

• Discusses the importance of a positive coaching philosophy in nurturing young athletes.

• Encouragement to Fathers: Step up and get involved in coaching despite fears or hesitations.
• Emphasis on Quality Time: Coaching is a unique opportunity to spend meaningful time with children and contribute positively to their development.

"That's all you need is just a willing heart and a willingness to do it."

• Final encouragement for fathers to get involved and make a difference in their children's lives through coaching.

• Emphasis on team collaboration and culture: Coaching is a team effort, involving multiple coaches and parents working together.
• Focus on the process of improvement rather than just results: High standards and continuous positive reinforcement are key.
• Building a culture of grit, toughness, and courage: These values are instilled in the team from the beginning.
• Positive reinforcement during car rides home: Focus on celebrating hustle, leadership, and teamwork rather than criticizing mistakes.

"We put a lot of emphasis, maybe all of our emphasis on the process of improving. So everything we do is high standards."

• Emphasizes the importance of focusing on improvement and maintaining high standards.

"We reiterate the culture that we want of grit, toughness, and courage, continuing to reach and achieve high standards, and they went undefeated last year."

• Highlights the success achieved by instilling values of grit, toughness, and courage.

"When we're in the car at home, so often it's, oh, you didn't do this. You're critical on this. This didn't happen. And I used to do that, and I learned some hard lessons early."

• Reflects on the change from critical feedback to positive reinforcement during car rides home.

• Positive reinforcement leads to better feedback from children and parents: Children enjoy practice and are willing to work hard.
• Creating a team-first culture: Unselfish play and teamwork are emphasized.
• Joy and fun as primary motivators: Ensuring that children have fun keeps them engaged and motivated.

"The feedback that you get from all the parents is my daughter loves it. She's willing to work hard. She's learning so much. She's growing. Practice is a joy."

• Positive reinforcement results in children enjoying practice and being motivated to work hard.

"It's not one or two people carrying the team. We're creating a team culture and really making it team first."

• Emphasizes the importance of teamwork and creating a team-first culture.

"Kids will come back if they're having fun. It's not necessarily about whether or not they caught the perfect pass or they threw the perfect pass or they saved a certain amount of goals."

• Highlights the importance of fun in keeping children engaged in sports.

• Challenges of coaching one's own children: Balancing between being too easy or too hard on them.
• Importance of positive reinforcement: Focusing on character and behavior rather than just skills and performance.
• Personal reflections on past mistakes: Learning from experiences to improve the coaching approach.

"You'll see many of you that have been involved in sports, you're either going to have I display a high amount of favoritism to my own kids, or you are so critical on your kids that it really impacts the relationship."

• Acknowledges the common challenges faced by parents who coach their own children.

"With the best of intentions, hey, Landon, try to do this, try to do that. You know, focus on this. I mean, he's playing the same sport that I played through college, and there's a lot that I can teach him, but he doesn't necessarily need to hear that from me all the time."

• Reflects on the mistake of being overly critical and the need for positive reinforcement.

"When I pull her aside, my feedback to her isn't, hey, I need you to go to goal, I need you to score. I need you to do this. It's, you're my daughter. I need you to lead by example."

• Emphasizes focusing on character and behavior rather than just performance.

• Focus on positive reinforcement rather than criticism.
• Celebrate the effort and small successes of children.
• Reinforce high standards and leadership qualities.
• Avoid being overly critical; instead, highlight the positives.

"They know what they did wrong. They don't necessarily need you to kind of nitpick and dive into it. Where they need you is build them up in the areas that they might not have seen they did well."

• Children are often aware of their mistakes and don't need constant reminders.
• Positive reinforcement helps them recognize their strengths and build confidence.

"Hesitate on the overly critical and just find the things that your kid does well and just celebrate that."

• Focus on celebrating the positives to motivate children.
• Encouraging words and celebrating small victories can lead to better performance and self-esteem.

• Children will do more of what you pay attention to.
• Paying attention to positive traits encourages children to repeat those behaviors.
• Positive reinforcement can lead to children wanting to make their parents proud.

"Your kids will do more of what you pay attention to, your kids will do more of what you pay attention to."

• Emphasizing positive behaviors encourages children to repeat them.
• Attention to positive traits fosters a desire in children to make their parents proud.

"Elle and the rest of your kids are going to naturally want to make dad proud and do more of that."

• Positive reinforcement leads to children striving to meet their parents' expectations.
• Focusing on effort and character traits rather than perfection encourages growth.

• Perfection is unattainable and can be exhausting.
• Allow children to make mistakes and learn from them.
• A child's value does not come from perfection but from their growth and efforts.

"Perfect is exhausting. Perfect is boring. So the opportunity for your kids to improve requires them to be able to make mistakes."

• Striving for perfection can be tiring and counterproductive.
• Mistakes are essential for learning and improvement.

"Their value doesn't come from perfection. And so often we get focused on the results, and that can drive negative conversations."

• A child's worth is not determined by their achievements but by their efforts and growth.
• Focusing too much on results can lead to negative interactions.

• Take care of your own needs before helping others.
• Recognize the broader impact of coaching beyond just spending time with your child.
• Focus on building a positive culture and community through coaching.

"In the nurturing fathers program, we always talk about taking care of our own needs before helping others, like oxygen masks on before assisting."

• Ensure your own well-being to be an effective coach.
• Addressing personal needs can improve patience and effectiveness in coaching.

"When you coach, you are so much bigger than. I'm just spending time with my kid, which is wonderful, trust me."

• Coaching impacts the broader community and shapes the next generation.
• Recognize the significant influence you have as a coach.

• Celebrate not just goals but the efforts that lead to them.
• Encourage teamwork and highlight the positive aspects of practice.
• Focus on the development of the team and individual growth.

"Goals celebrate themselves. We don't necessarily get crazy about goals. I celebrate the playmaker, the assist, the ground ball, the defensive stop."

• Emphasize the importance of teamwork and effort over individual achievements.
• Recognize and celebrate the contributions of all team members.

"We focus a lot on the culture of the team, too. And that pays back so much."

• Building a positive team culture leads to long-term benefits.
• Highlighting positive aspects fosters a supportive and motivated team environment.

• Get down on the child's level to avoid intimidation.
• Ensure a balance between teaching skills and having fun.
• Make sure that the coaching experience is enjoyable to prevent children from quitting.

"When we're talking to a child, getting down on their levels so that they don't feel intimidated or, or whatever."

• Physically lowering yourself to a child's level can help them feel more comfortable and less intimidated.
• Effective communication involves making children feel at ease.

"You'll teach a skill, and then you'll play a game. You'll teach a skill, and then you'll play a game and make sure that you know that we're not overdoing it one way or the other."

• Balancing skill development with fun activities keeps children engaged.
• Ensuring that practice is enjoyable prevents burnout and maintains interest.

• Emphasizing fun in coaching helps to engage children and make the experience enjoyable.
• Coaches should integrate playful activities and games to foster a positive environment.
• Celebrating small efforts and hustle, like chasing after a missed ball, is crucial for mental awareness and determination.

"One thing that we talk a lot about in the nurturing fathers program is we double down on our strengths. Guys, dads are great at playing. We're really good at it. So dive into that. It's okay to get in there with the kids."

• Encourages fathers to utilize their natural playfulness in coaching to build rapport and enjoyment.

"It's fun to let our little child within come out during these times that we're coaching. It's really, really cool."

• Highlights the joy and benefits of engaging in playful activities with children during coaching.

"The thing I always remember you harping on or celebrating is a better word the most was when our goalie would chase after the ball when somebody had missed a shot so that we get the ball back."

• Illustrates the importance of celebrating non-scoring efforts to build mental awareness and determination.

• Fun activities and competitions can build camaraderie and friendships among the team.
• Incorporating humorous and enjoyable consequences for losing in competitions can enhance team spirit.
• Creating a fun and engaging environment leads to better attention and dedication from the kids.

"We would do competitions. So I mentioned, hey, we want to win. We would have two lines competing against each other. And let's say it's first to get to 30 passes."

• Using competition to motivate and engage children while making it fun.

"The team that didn't get the 30 passes, they would have to do something. So, like, we had to do, they did a five yard or a ten yard race, doing the worm on the field, and the kids thought that was the funniest thing that's ever happened to them."

• Demonstrates how fun consequences build camaraderie and lighten the competitive atmosphere.

"It builds camaraderie, it builds friendship. It's just fun. So what a great point, Corey. Thanks for reminding me."

• Acknowledges the role of fun in fostering team unity and friendships.

• Reflecting on the different stages of parenting and the challenges they bring.
• Emphasizing the importance of continuous learning and growth as a parent.
• Recognizing the need to equip children to be great human beings who positively impact the world.

"We're all dads. We're all navigating this. They say there's no handbook and we're about to enter teenage years. And wow, is that so much harder than little kids."

• Acknowledges the continuous challenges and learning process in parenting.

"I love that we're learning. I mean, Corey and his dad have done such an awesome job putting together a program that just helps pour into dads because we all want to get this right."

• Praises the Nurturing Fathers program for supporting dads in their parenting journey.

"Our kids are everything to us and we want to make sure that we equip them to just be the greatest human beings they can be when they grow up and leave and impact the world in a positive way."

• Emphasizes the ultimate goal of parenting: raising children to be positive contributors to society.

• Recognizing the emotional and psychological differences in coaching boys versus girls.
• Girls need to feel good emotionally to play well, while boys need to play well to feel good.
• Tailoring coaching strategies to address these differences can enhance performance and well-being.

"Somebody once told me that in order to play good, girls need to feel good. You need to build your daughters up. They need to come really emotionally filled, feeling good about themselves and then they'll play good."

• Explains the emotional needs of girls in sports and the importance of building them up.

"Boys need to play good in order to feel good. And if you're out there and you see someone that's not having the best game is take a couple minutes, like let's cool down, like, hey, like what can we work on? Let's talk through it."

• Describes the approach needed for boys, focusing on performance to boost their emotional state.

"If my daughter's not feeling good, well, she's not going to play good. And I know that and I talk about focus a lot. I will pull her aside and be like, hey, we need to refocus."

• Illustrates the practical application of understanding these differences in coaching strategies.

• Encouraging dads to keep pushing, growing, and doing their best in their parenting journey.
• Highlighting the importance of being present and engaged in their children's lives.
• Acknowledging that no one is perfect and that making mistakes is part of the learning process.

"We're just guys that want to get it right and I just, I wish you all the best. I mean if you're here listening to this podcast, I'm someone that listened to this podcast, is you're taking the steps you need to take in order to be the best dad you can be for your kids."

• Encourages dads to continue their efforts and acknowledges the importance of seeking improvement.

"Nobodys perfect and we're all going to make mistakes, we're all going to learn and just really want to just say, hey, keep pushing, keep growing, keep doing the best that you can. You're in the right spot."

• Emphasizes the normalcy of making mistakes and the importance of continuous growth.

"Your kids, you know what they need and just wish you all the best in your journey on just being excellent dad."

• Reinforces the idea that dads know their children best and encourages them to trust their instincts.