Secret Agent: Never Be Yourself At Work! Authenticity Is Quietly Sabotaging You! Evy Poumpouras

In this engaging conversation, Evie Porus, a former US Secret Service agent, shares insights on emotional regulation, confidence, and effective communication. She emphasizes the importance of maintaining a professional demeanor at work, contrasting it with the authenticity one might display in personal settings. Porus discusses the influence of one's environment and social circle on personal development and highlights the significance of self-awareness and decision-making. She also addresses societal issues, such as the impact of social media on mental health and the rise in public figures facing threats, underscoring the need for resilience and adaptability in navigating life's challenges.

• Emphasizes the importance of presenting a professional self in the workplace rather than an authentic self.
• The authentic self is described as self-centered, focusing on personal experiences and needs.
• Bringing a professional self means being respectful, empathetic, and competent, which benefits team dynamics and productivity.

"Don't bring your authentic self to work. I want your professional self."

• The speaker stresses the need for professionalism over authenticity in a work setting.

"Your authentic self is about who? Me, me, me, me, me."

• The authentic self is portrayed as self-absorbed, which can be detrimental in a team environment.

• Discusses the impact of surrounding oneself with positive influences and environments.
• Highlights the importance of communication skills and the ability to read others.
• Confidence is linked to effective delegation and managing cognitive load.

"I've been around former SEALs, US Secret Service presidents, and I learned a lot about communication, reading people, confidence."

• The speaker shares the value of learning from highly skilled individuals in enhancing communication and confidence.

"Your brain is like a bathtub. The bathtub can only hold so much water."

• Illustrates the concept of cognitive load and the importance of managing mental resources effectively.

• Emphasizes the ability to regulate emotions as a critical skill for personal and professional success.
• Self-regulation is linked to better decision-making and maintaining composure in challenging situations.

"Can someone learn to be a better self-regulator of their emotions? Yeah."

• Affirms the possibility of improving emotional regulation skills.

"Self-regulation is your ability to regulate your emotions."

• Defines self-regulation as managing one's emotional responses effectively.

• Encourages accepting people and situations as they are rather than trying to change them.
• Stresses the importance of living in truth and adapting to reality rather than expectations.

"Accept people as they are and I respect them."

• Advocates for acceptance of others without imposing personal values or attempting to change them.

"You're not accepting what you have in front of you. That's what he is."

• Highlights the need for acceptance in relationships to avoid frustration and disappointment.

• Discusses how individuals may form identities around past traumas or negative experiences.
• Secondary gain refers to the benefits one might receive from maintaining a victim identity, such as attention or sympathy.

"If you're looking for a problem you will always find one."

• Suggests that a mindset focused on problems will perpetually find issues, even when none exist.

"There's always a secondary gain from pain."

• Explains the concept of secondary gain, where individuals may derive benefits from remaining in a state of victimhood.

• Confidence is seen as stemming from a true belief in one's value, not merely external validation.
• Fear-based decisions are contrasted with confidence, highlighting the negative impact of insecurity on relationships and personal growth.

"Confidence is a thousand tiny things, but it exists."

• Describes confidence as a culmination of small, consistent actions and beliefs about oneself.

"Everything is fear-based with him."

• Discusses how fear-driven decisions can hinder personal growth and relationship success.

• The environment and the people one surrounds themselves with play a significant role in personal development and emotional regulation.
• Positive influences can help individuals learn and grow, while negative environments can hinder progress.

"I was around very highly regulated people, highly intelligent people."

• Emphasizes the importance of being in a supportive environment for personal growth.

"If everybody around you is a loose screw, do you still have the amygdala like explosion?"

• Highlights the impact of one's environment on emotional regulation and behavior.

• Team success relies on individuals focusing on the collective mission rather than personal agendas.
• High-performing teams require members to prioritize the team's goals over individual authenticity.

"If you're team oriented, you leave your authentic self here and you bring your genuine self who genuinely cares about the mission."

• Stresses the importance of prioritizing team objectives over personal authenticity for effective teamwork.

"You don't get high performers. You get sloppiness."

• Warns against the potential negative impact of prioritizing individual authenticity over team cohesion.

• Authenticity in professional settings is about contributing value rather than expressing personal identity.
• In high-stakes situations, such as interrogations, maintaining a professional demeanor is crucial for gathering information.
• Being genuine does not mean sharing personal biases or emotions but focusing on the task at hand.

"Could you imagine if I brought my authentic New York self to every interrogation I did?"

• This quote highlights the importance of maintaining professionalism over personal authenticity in sensitive situations.

"What mattered? Getting information, getting a confession so I can find out what happened so that investigators could figure out what to do so this little girl wouldn't be victimized again."

• The focus is on achieving the objective rather than expressing personal feelings or judgments.

• Building trust in professional relationships involves being honest without bringing personal baggage.
• Effective communication requires listening and creating an environment where others feel safe to share information.
• Neutrality helps in collecting accurate intelligence and making informed decisions.

"I'm listening cuz I'm not there for me and I'm not there to pass judgment."

• Listening without judgment fosters trust and encourages open communication.

"I try to be neutral in that I allow people to come to me and people are very open and they share and it works well for me because I get a good read on people and situation so I can make good decisions."

• Neutrality allows for better decision-making by providing a clear understanding of the situation.

• Empathy is crucial in understanding the motivations and backgrounds of individuals, especially in challenging situations.
• It involves trying to understand without necessarily agreeing with the other person's actions.
• Empathy can reveal important information that aids in the decision-making process.

"Empathy does not mean I agree with you. I'm trying to understand you."

• Empathy is about understanding perspectives without condoning actions.

"With him, that specific one, I spent a lot of time speaking to him and I did bring empathy."

• Empathy helped uncover the background and motivations of the individual in question.

• There are physiological and psychological differences in how men and women perceive and communicate.
• Women are often perceived as having more discernment and better communication skills.
• Both genders have unique strengths that contribute to their effectiveness in various roles.

"Women have more discernment. So a female brain tends to activate a little bit more and they tend to think about something more than the male brain."

• This highlights the cognitive differences that can influence communication styles.

"Female cops have less complaints because when you're a cop, you're going to get a complaint...they're just better at dialoguing and deescalating."

• The ability to communicate effectively can lead to fewer conflicts and complaints.

• Confidence is often built through experience and the ability to make decisions, even with incomplete information.
• Surrounding oneself with a supportive and knowledgeable circle can enhance confidence.
• Overanalyzing can hinder confidence; taking action and making progress is key.

"I've never heard anyone talk about it. I think one of the secrets is they don't talk about it."

• Confidence is often an unspoken trait that comes from experience rather than discussion.

"Be a decision maker. I think those are the two most important things, having awareness. And honestly, just show up."

• Confidence is built through decision-making and taking consistent action.

• Progress often comes from taking small, manageable steps rather than making large leaps.
• Small, incremental changes can lead to significant transformations over time.
• Avoiding overanalysis and focusing on immediate actions can prevent procrastination.

"Just make it to that tree. It was just 5t ahead of me. I made it to the tree. make it to that mailbox."

• Breaking down tasks into small steps makes them more achievable and less overwhelming.

"Sometimes overanalyzing and trying to make sense of things does you a disservice."

• Overthinking can prevent progress; taking action is more beneficial.

• Effective communication involves owning one's voice and using body language to engage the audience.
• Taking pauses and speaking deliberately can convey authority and confidence.
• Engaging presentation techniques can maintain audience attention and improve message retention.

"When I speak, I own my voice. So there's paral linguistics there."

• Owning one's voice and using it effectively is crucial for impactful communication.

"Get to the point, say it with less words, and be impactful. Command what you say."

• Conciseness and clarity in communication enhance trust and perceived competence.

• Effective leaders surround themselves with competent advisors and delegate responsibilities.
• They maintain composure and make informed decisions based on available information.
• Personal time and self-care are essential for maintaining effectiveness and clarity.

"They had a really good circle around them in her circle like everybody didn't have access to the president."

• A strong support system is vital for effective leadership and decision-making.

"They would study. They would spend time studying."

• Continuous learning and preparation are crucial for informed decision-making.

• Physical fitness and mental clarity are interconnected and contribute to overall performance.
• Successful individuals often incorporate physical activity into their routines to enhance well-being.
• Balancing mental and physical health supports sustained success and confidence.

"I saw them all do it and I think that plays a role. It can't just be we separate the mind and body."

• Integrating physical and mental practices enhances overall effectiveness and well-being.

• The importance of creating a curiosity gap or a promise to engage the audience.
• Effective speakers focus on how they present information to ensure it is understandable and digestible.
• Adapting communication style to resonate with the audience's linguistic capabilities.
• The significance of simplicity in communication, as using simpler language can enhance perceived competence and trustworthiness.

"Just because you're an expert doesn't mean you're interesting."

• This quote emphasizes that expertise alone doesn't guarantee engagement; the manner of presentation is crucial.

"It's the listener that matters. I am irrelevant. We don't matter. They matter."

• Highlighting the importance of focusing on the audience's needs and adapting communication to meet them.

• Assessing linguistic abilities during interviews to tailor communication accordingly.
• Using simple language and writing styles to make content accessible, as exemplified by the New York Times' eighth-grade reading level standard.
• The role of delivery in ensuring information is easy to follow and doesn't overwhelm the audience.

"You speak for them, not for you."

• Reinforces the idea that communication should prioritize the audience's understanding over the speaker's self-presentation.

• The impact of speaking frequency and the value of contributions in group dynamics.
• The concept of a "bad contribution score" and its effect on how one's input is perceived.
• Balancing speaking frequency and contribution value to maintain engagement and respect in group discussions.

"If you're going to open your mouth, open your mouth. Use your pauses, use your silences so that you can make sure your message is impactful."

• Encourages thoughtful and impactful communication, emphasizing the power of strategic pauses and silences.

• The importance of aligning personal motives with the role and the organization's mission during the hiring process.
• Distinguishing between self-focused and role-focused motivations in candidates.
• The significance of genuine passion for the work over superficial interest in the organization's reputation or leadership.

"The work has to be the thing you're thinking about in the shower. Not my podcast."

• Stresses the importance of genuine interest and passion for the work itself rather than external factors like personality or reputation.

• Techniques for maintaining composure and logic in confrontational situations.
• The concept of "reactants" and how people react negatively to perceived loss of control.
• Strategies for de-escalating situations by providing choices and maintaining factual communication.

"You own your emotion. Nobody should provoke you. Nobody."

• Underlines personal responsibility in managing emotions and reactions, regardless of external provocations.

• The role of cognitive dissonance in justifying behaviors that conflict with self-perception.
• The importance of self-awareness and accountability in recognizing and addressing personal justifications and behaviors.
• The value of having trusted individuals who can provide honest feedback and call out inconsistencies.

"Call yourself out on your [__]."

• Encourages self-reflection and accountability in recognizing and addressing personal shortcomings and justifications.

• The significance of trust and credibility in personal and professional relationships.
• The importance of consistency, time, and trustworthiness in establishing strong relationships.
• The distinction between acquaintances and true friends based on trust and reliability.

"Your trust should be something people earn."

• Emphasizes the importance of earning trust through consistent and reliable behavior over time.

• The impact of surrounding oneself with negative or "low vibration" individuals on personal well-being.
• The responsibility of making conscious decisions about relationships and environments to avoid negative influences.
• The importance of self-awareness in recognizing and addressing personal contributions to negative situations.

"Be careful who you try to save. Some people will drown you."

• Warns against the dangers of trying to help individuals or situations that may ultimately have a negative impact on oneself.

• Low performance in the workplace can significantly affect team dynamics and work culture.
• Bringing personal issues to work can be disruptive and is often seen as a sign of low performance.
• Maintaining professionalism and focusing on work-related tasks is crucial for high performance.

"I want high performance and if you're coming in with your low vibration and your problems and your dramas, it doesn't belong at work."

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of maintaining high energy and professionalism in the workplace.

• The idea that overemphasizing one's uniqueness can lead to isolation and a sense of exceptionalism that hinders personal growth.
• Understanding that others experience similar challenges can provide perspective and reduce feelings of isolation.

"When you think you're special, it's not that you become a narcissist or anything like that. That's not how I mean it."

• The speaker clarifies that the concept is not about narcissism but about gaining perspective on one's problems.

• Predators, whether in personal relationships or the workplace, often target those who appear vulnerable.
• Displaying confidence and setting boundaries can deter potential manipulators or abusers.

"If you look like you're an easy target, if you look like you're easy to take down, if you look like you're easily going to be thrown off, people see that."

• The speaker highlights the importance of self-presentation and confidence to avoid being targeted.

• Leaving an abusive relationship is complex and often requires external support and understanding.
• Many people in abusive situations struggle with accepting the reality of their circumstances.

"Most people don't leave abusive relationships. The research...even when they do leave, the vast majority go back."

• The speaker notes the difficulty in escaping abusive relationships and the tendency to return.

• Maintaining personal boundaries is crucial, even with family members, to ensure healthy relationships.
• It's important to set standards for how one is treated, regardless of familial ties.

"I think like all relationships in your life, there should be a certain standard that they have to meet whether they're family, friends, a stranger, or a team of whoever it is."

• The speaker stresses the importance of setting boundaries and standards in all relationships.

• Gradual exposure therapy can help improve life, but gradual boundary breaches can lead to abuse.
• Recognizing small signs of boundary violations early can prevent larger issues.

"It's like they just every day just move the shoes a little bit closer to the bed."

• The speaker uses an analogy to describe how incremental boundary violations can lead to significant problems.

• Social media algorithms can create echo chambers, reinforcing existing beliefs and fears.
• Understanding how algorithms work can help individuals navigate online content more effectively.

"What they're seeing is they're pulling something towards them. And that's how the algorithms work."

• The speaker explains how social media algorithms reinforce user interests and fears.

• The assassination of public figures like Charlie Kirk highlights the vulnerability of individuals with platforms.
• The increase in political violence is concerning and may lead to more copycat incidents.

"This means that it means you can go after anybody. And what I'm not saying I would like this to happen, but to me, this is a massive red flag."

• The speaker warns about the dangers of increasing political violence and the potential for more incidents.

• Effective communication is crucial for personal and professional success.
• Being relatable and meeting people where they are can enhance communication effectiveness.

"I think you meet them where they are. And I think you do that in both your communication style."

• The speaker acknowledges the importance of adapting communication to the audience's needs.

• Personal joys, such as family, can also be sources of fear due to concerns for their well-being.
• Balancing the desire to protect loved ones with the reality of life's unpredictability is a common challenge.

"The biggest joy in my life is her because I think that was something I always wanted to do and to be a mom."

• The speaker shares personal insights into the joys and fears associated with parenthood.