Chris Voss: FBI-Backed Tactics for Better Communication

In the Jefferson Fisher podcast, communication expert Jefferson Fisher hosts Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator and author of "Never Split the Difference," to discuss negotiation strategies. Voss emphasizes the importance of understanding the voices in one's head, using tactical empathy, and the power of receiving a "no" in negotiations to make others feel safe and open to dialogue. He introduces techniques such as accusation audits and labeling to diffuse negative emotions and gather more information. The conversation also highlights the significance of tone and phrasing in fostering collaboration and easing tension in discussions.

• Jefferson Fisher introduces his podcast, emphasizing its mission to improve communication skills.
• Encourages listeners to engage with the podcast through reviews and suggestions.
• Mentions resources such as his book "The Next Conversation" and the Jefferson Fisher School of Communication.

"Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything."

• The host sets the tone for the podcast, focusing on transformative communication.

• Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator and author of "Never Split the Difference," is introduced as the guest.
• Voss is recognized for his expertise in negotiation and communication.

"I brought you somebody that is the master of all negotiations Chris Voss...former FBI negotiator, author of never split the difference."

• Highlights Chris Voss's credentials and expertise in negotiation.

• Tactical empathy is discussed as a critical component of effective negotiation and communication.
• Emphasizes understanding the other party's perspective to facilitate better outcomes.

"Tactical empathy is right in line with my mission in the world so thanks for putting that this out here for us."

• Tactical empathy aligns with the podcast's mission of improving communication.

• Discusses the impact of internal voices and self-talk on negotiation outcomes.
• The amygdala is identified as a source of fear that can interfere with rational decision-making.

"The voices in their own head that are overwhelming them...the voice in your head can just make you do stupid things and make you paranoid and overreact."

• Internal voices, particularly fear-driven ones, can negatively affect negotiation.

• Importance of distinguishing between fear (amygdala-driven) and intuition in decision-making.
• Encourages listening to one's gut as a more reliable guide than fear.

"If you can listen to your gut instead your gut's really re really accurate it's a real help it's just sorting the two out."

• Trusting intuition over fear can lead to better decision-making.

• Explores the psychological safety and empowerment that comes from saying "no."
• Saying "no" can be the start of a constructive conversation, rather than an end.

"When somebody says no something happens to them...the person who says no feels safe and protected."

• Saying "no" provides a sense of safety and opens up dialogue.

• Discusses how children learn to assert independence by saying "no," mirroring adult behavior.
• Saying "no" is a way for children to assert control and autonomy.

"Your kids saw you say no to them all the time and that's how you assert your autonomy and control of the situation."

• Children mimic adults' use of "no" to gain a sense of control.

• Discusses the strategy of reframing questions to encourage a "no" response, which can lead to more open discussions.
• Contrasts this with the traditional "yes" momentum approach, which can feel manipulative.

"Flip your questions she's like no that's that that's not going to work that's stupid...if I just reward it and she says no it's going to change things."

• Reframing questions to elicit "no" can break defensive barriers and foster openness.

• People often default to saying "no" as a safety mechanism, blocking opportunities due to fear.
• Conditioning oneself to say "no" can lead to missed opportunities that may have been beneficial if considered.
• Embracing the natural tendency to say "no" can be leveraged for positive outcomes.

"People condition themselves that when they say no they're safe and they're willing to entertain stuff that they've been blocking previously just because saying yes scared them."

• The quote highlights the natural inclination to say "no" as a protective measure, which can be reoriented to explore new opportunities.

• Initiating conversations with a negative phrasing can lead to more open and honest interactions.
• Asking questions like "Is now a bad time to talk?" can reduce defensiveness and promote more genuine responses.
• This strategy allows the other person to set the terms of the conversation, ensuring their full attention.

"Flip that to is now a bad time to talk that will get you your practice now I'm I tell you in advance what the reaction is going to be when you say it's now a bad time to talk they're going to hesitate for a moment and then they'll like no no what do you got."

• The quote explains the effectiveness of using negative phrasing to open up communication and get honest responses.

• Ensuring the other party's full attention is crucial for effective problem-solving and decision-making.
• Avoiding multitasking during important conversations prevents miscommunication and ensures clarity.
• The "Is now a bad time to talk?" strategy helps in securing undivided attention by allowing the other party to reschedule if necessary.

"I need his undivided attention because we got a problem and the clock is ticking on us really hard and so I need him to let me know when he can speak to me undivided attention."

• The quote emphasizes the necessity of having focused communication, especially when time-sensitive issues are at stake.

• Tactical empathy involves understanding and addressing the negative perceptions the other party may have.
• An accusation audit is a technique where one lists potential negative thoughts or accusations the other party might hold.
• By addressing these negatives upfront, barriers are broken down, and more productive negotiations can occur.

"The accusations audit is probably one of the single most effective most used strategies that we coach people on to break open negotiations to break down barriers to solve problems."

• The quote illustrates the power of proactively addressing potential negatives to facilitate smoother communication and negotiations.

• Starting questions with negative framing can lead to more effective communication.
• This approach leverages the natural comfort people find in saying "no," which can paradoxically lead to more affirmative outcomes.
• By using negative phrasing, one can guide conversations more strategically.

"Instead of asking someone is it a good time to talk is now a bad time to talk so find ways to flip the positive words and the negative words."

• The quote explains how negative framing in questions can be used to elicit more honest and open responses.

• Accusation audit involves preemptively addressing potential negative reactions by using strong language to defuse tension.
• The technique is effective both at home and in professional settings, as it leverages the natural human tendency to contradict.
• By suggesting a strong negative reaction, the actual request or statement seems less severe, encouraging a more favorable response.

"You're going to hate me for this... I got to take my girlfriend to the grocery store."

• This technique uses strong language to preemptively address potential negative reactions, making the actual request seem less severe.

"They're preempting it and so you're going to hate me for this start that on your ass on people in your reg in your life."

• Preemptive language can defuse potential tension by making the actual request or statement seem less severe.

• Humans have a natural tendency to contradict or correct statements, which can be strategically utilized in conversations.
• By framing statements in a way that invites contradiction, people are more likely to engage and respond favorably.
• This method can be more effective than direct statements, which may provoke defensiveness.

"Now you're probably really exhausted today naturally you're going to be like no I'm not exhausted."

• People have a natural tendency to contradict or correct statements, which can be strategically utilized in conversations.

"Do you find that it's this contradiction that we like to have of just natural disagreement with somebody no matter what it is it's like our gut instinct and it's that disagreement that makes this work so well."

• The natural human inclination to contradict can be leveraged to make communication more effective.

• The phrase "sounds like you have a reason for saying that" is a powerful tool to encourage open communication.
• This approach helps uncover the underlying reasons behind statements without making the other person defensive.
• It promotes a collaborative atmosphere, making it easier to extract unvarnished, genuine responses.

"What is behind what somebody said is always more important than what they said."

• Understanding the underlying reasons behind statements is crucial for effective communication.

"It seems like you have a reason for saying that you're more likely to give it to me straight right off the bat."

• Using non-judgmental language encourages open and honest responses, facilitating better communication.

• Assess whether engagement with passive aggressive individuals is necessary or beneficial.
• Consider the long-term implications of maintaining a relationship with such individuals.
• If engagement is unavoidable, evaluate whether the relationship aligns with your goals and values.

"Do I want to be handcuffed to this person for the foreseeable future for forever."

• Consider the long-term implications of maintaining a relationship with passive aggressive individuals.

"The best indicator of future behavior is past Behavior if you're passive aggressive now for me personally there's a really good chance that you're going to get fired continue the relationship."

• Evaluate whether engagement with passive aggressive individuals aligns with your goals and values.

• Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance and avoidance of direct communication.
• Labeling is a technique used to address passive-aggressiveness by making verbal observations about emotions or dynamics.
• Labels should start with phrases like "it seems like," "it sounds like," or "it feels like" to make non-accusatory observations.

"What do you want me to do is one of their favorite questions after you've just told them what you want them to do."

• This quote illustrates a common tactic of passive-aggressive individuals to deflect responsibility and exhaust the other person.

"Labeling is just a verbally saying out loud what you're sensing and feeling in that moment."

• Labeling involves articulating your perceptions to invite correction or further dialogue, facilitating clearer communication.

• The tone, volume, and pace of speech can significantly affect how others perceive and connect with you.
• A calm, slow, and warm tone can create a lasting connection and make others feel comfortable and drawn to you.
• Techniques like downward inflection and smiling can enhance the effectiveness of communication.

"People connect to you a lot easier and the connection tends to stick."

• Using a controlled and pleasant tone helps in building strong, lasting connections with others.

"If you can downward inflect if you can slow down and you don't have to have a deep voice like women can downward inflect by simply dropping their chin downward."

• This highlights practical techniques for using voice modulation to improve communication impact.

• Focusing solely on winning arguments can drive people away and limit meaningful interactions.
• Approaching conversations with the intent to understand and collaborate leads to more fruitful relationships.
• The desire to prove oneself can lead to short-term wins but long-term losses in relationships and opportunities.

"You're driving people away from you...the ones that you win will obscure how much you lose."

• The quote underscores the downside of a combative approach to communication, which can lead to isolation and missed opportunities.

"If you got something to prove you just slowly driving people away from you and suddenly you can't remember the last time you had a breakthrough."

• This explains how the need to constantly prove oneself can hinder personal and professional growth.

• Asking questions that elicit a "no" can be more effective than seeking agreement with a "yes."
• An accusation audit involves acknowledging potential negative perceptions to disarm defensiveness.
• Labeling helps in expressing perceived emotions or dynamics to encourage open communication.

"It's easier to get questions answered when you flip them to get a no rather than a yes."

• This strategy involves reframing questions to make it easier for others to respond honestly and openly.

"Accusation audit...is a way of simply saying how you assume that they might be feeling in the conversation."

• This technique is used to preemptively address concerns or objections, fostering a more open dialogue.